And so that leads to the other big issue with R. In the past before the A, a huge part of our problem was always that I wasn't a good friend. I took her for granted. And I know that the answer to all this is for me to pursue my wife and make her feel desired. Perhaps if I'd done that from the start, the A would've never happened. So now that we're at this rock bottom, I feel like in order for her to be fulfilled in our marriage and create the life we both want, she needs me to pursue her and love her and make her feel desired in body and mind.
I think you're still putting some kind of credence in the "unmet needs" model. I do understand the draw of it. If you read my profile post, you'll see that I've been there and done that. It sounds so reasonable. We love our WS's and the thought of them suffering because we failed to provide something they needed to be emotionally healthy within the relationship actually gives us hope, hope that if we start giving them what they need, that the problem will be solved. Our worry then becomes about making sure that we are enough, etc, etc., turn the angst in on ourselves, etc.
Here's what I've learned about that though... we don't do things that have no payoff. The payoff on all those self-recriminations is that we can hang on to the illusion that we are in control of what happens next. In your example above, the solution is to be a "good friend", and if you're a good enough friend, maybe your WW won't have reason to cheat on you again. The problem though is that you've legitimized her "reason to cheat". You've declared it to be valid, but it's NOT.
When I was young and stupid, I got drunk with some friends at an outdoor party and we decided it would be fun to jump off a bridge into the water below. Now, none of us had the brains or forethought to check and see if the water was deep enough or if there were rocks or anything smart like that. We just lined up and jumped off. We got lucky and everyone swam away in one piece, but the lesson for me was this... there is a moment of choice and that moment is tangible. You are standing there, considering the outrageous, and then... you select it. In that moment, there is no one else. It's just you and your better judgment, in conflict, in indecision, and then YOU DECIDE, and you're able to make that decision because there's nothing strong enough inside you to say a firm enough 'no'.
Your WW cheated because she wanted to and there might be myriad reasons why she wanted to, but underlying all of that is the lack of an interior hard 'no'. Meaningful boundaries. Integrity. Unassailable core values. These things are NOT about you. It's not possible for other people to choose our values for us. We protect what we value. Fidelity, honesty, even friendship were not worthy enough in HER values system to defend. That's not about you. It's about her.
That's not to say that people can't change. I really, truly believe that they can. It's not until we really accept that the cheating is 100% about the cheater that we can see whether or not those changes are happening. How can we evaluate the relationship with any kind of confidence when we can't measure change?
Your temptation to pursue and prove yourself as an attractive partner are normal. I think many, if not most, of us can identify with it. But the underlying energy is clearly about control of the outcome. Just like self-blame, it's about controlling whatever we can in order to try and fix what's broken. "Dating" your wife might be a handy tool for livening up a stale routine, but that's NOT what's happening here. What's happening here is that you're waiting to see change from her... real, meaningful change. Change that's so complete and so convincing that you won't feel like you need to file for divorce. That comes with TIME and with WORK. She's got to do the work and you've got to SEE that work getting done. Tempting as it might be, you can't get out and push like it was a car stuck in the mud. She's got to drive this thing out of the ditch because you need to SEE that she can do it.
Don't get me wrong, you can still clean up your side of the street if that's what you're talking about. But you can't do more than that and still stand as an observer. It's kind of like being a wildlife photographer, you can't rescue the antelope. That doesn't mean you have to litter the park instead of using a trash can after lunch. Your job though has to be to watch. That way, you can make the best decision when you feel like it's time to make that decision.
How do you find safety in being intimate with someone if you feel like you're being compared to another man, or worse yet that perhaps you're just the available option at that time when she'd really rather have him if he were available then? I cannot get out of my own head and just enjoy any moment with her, even non-sexual, because I constantly wonder if I'm being compared and coming up as lesser than AP.
As BS's, we have our own work to do, and this is part of it. When you've become successful at allowing your WW to be responsible for her cheating, you'll be further down the road on that. It's normal to want validation, particularly from our spouse. Who doesn't, right? But when we consider the roles that flattery and validation have had in the affair, we begin to what a false and hollow thing it is.
The AP is a mirror for our WS, regurgitating back all the frippery they put into it. In so many cases, the WS craves this kind of dopamine band-aid in their lives because something is broken inside. The attention and excitement are a distraction from the fact that they are incapable of real self-fulfillment. We all like validation, but there are those among us that need it at any cost, like a sickness. These are people who have become so self-involved and self-serving, enslaved to their inner flaws, that their own feelings blot out any meaningful empathy for the ones they're hurting. They rationalize and justify like it's an Olympic sport.
The point is though that the affair is largely a fantasy.. garbage in, garbage out. The WS gives up copious amounts of flattery, attention, and even sex, in order to get that validation regurgitated back. It looks really real from our perspective of hurt and betrayal, but you know what? It's serving a FUNCTION. At the point where we understand that though, we need to evaluate whether that's a dynamic in our own relationship with the WS, because this too is a measure of the change we need to see. If our relationship transactional? Are we married to a vending machine who judges what we will get by what we will provide? Are they capable of changing that dynamic?
I'm not talking about reciprocity. Reciprocity is free. Transactions are payment. We reciprocate generosity, affection, honesty, and all the good things. It comes from a place of wholeness and emotional stability. Transactional relationships, OTOH, are about patching up the voids within, fixing upon what we think we're missing or owed and then giving up what we think will get us that which we crave. In order to be a good partner for the future, the WS has to learn to be self-fruitful in terms of validation. And so do we.
If the norm has been to achieve our validation through each other, we are suddenly bereft of that source. The trick isn't to recapture the unhealthy dynamic though. It's to replace it with a better one.
Like you, and like so many of us here, I really CARED what my spouse thought of me. What I didn't realize though is that at some point, I had slipped into a pattern of giving him more credence in terms of validation than I gave to myself. Now, that's not in every aspect of life, of course. But in a lot of things, yeah, I valued his opinion more than my own. My self-importance was viewed through that lens. So, on dday.. bug meets windshield. I was wrecked, and I had no idea I had lost so much of myself in that relationship. I would have said that I was highly self-reliant because I'm incredibly capable. That doesn't equate to emotional self-reliance though as I painfully found out.
Part of recovery, if not MOST of recovery, is about rebuilding our own self-reliance. It's not enough that the WS learns to self-validate. We have to learn it too. The goal has to be two healthy people choosing to be together, rather than two needy people choosing not to be apart, right?
I think that once you're feeling stronger in your sense of self, once you have confidence that you ARE enough, and that you've got your own back no matter the outcome, you won't worry so much about this other stuff. Affection and sex will be a more organic outflowing of your authentic feelings, and the insecurities you're feeling now will dissipate. Right now, every instinct tells you to focus your energy on your WW, but the key is actually to invest in YOU. Yes, you need to observe her changes, but nothing will move you further along in healing than developing new faith in yourself.