SI is a deep well filled with people who have a deep thirst. Dip your cup in and drink until you're filled.
Beautiful Skan, thank you! This should be posted on the front page.
Wow, Lavender, thank you thank you thank you! That was incredibly kind of you. And we are kindred sisters aren't we?! Not surprising this is so dang hard, huh?
Side note: (New) Spok is super sexy!
All of this support, thank you. As Skan said, it is somewhat foreign to me, and I have a number of people IRL also supportive of this project. I really do not know how to handle...nice. Mostly I just cry. At least they are good tears!!
DM - your points of reflection and questions are so, incredibly helpful. Thank you for them.
I was debating where to post this, but this feels more like home, and more like I will be understood.
What is interesting, DM, is that I *knew* in that moment, that YouMeI was acting in survival mode. What has upset me, as you did nail, is that I see him lying. And yes, he does lie often. At least recently (the past day or so) he mentioned listening to a podcast that will help him to stop these white Iies. I know this is simply a way to control your environment- but that is also how I got lulled into a false sense of security and got badly burned. The TT was all about controlling the outcome. The A was all about him surviving. Unfortunately/Fortunately, I am almost too aware and see things that scare me.
I also know change this deep takes time.
I also know that I need to let go of the outcome.
So, here is my question back to you and the group:
Does letting go of the outcome = trust?
My fear around letting go of the outcome is certainly PTSD. If I let down my guard and stop 'watching' for this bad thing that may or may not come, if it does come again, then I will be hurt so much more because I won't be braced for it.
So I thought, well, I trust that he won't do that again. INSTANTANEOUSLY I disgreed with myself.
So, I don't trust him. Perhaps I can't trust him. But it seems, I don't trust myself to be ok.
I had a peaceful moment the other night. I decided it was time I dust off my math books (their A was during my first math final going back to school finally, and I have had a hard time looking back to it). I thought of all the things I wanted to do for me and it was soooooo lovely. Books I wanted to read, instruments I have but still haven't mastered...
And then my panic set in and it was a dark place and all those wants and desires faded away again.
Then back to my project: What am I afraid of? Writing a book about how to survive this - and not end up with the happy ending I was writing it with the intention of. Giving hope to others when I fail. Being a fraud.
Writing about his A and being contacted our outed by the AP that what I believe to be the truth (and I do) is all a lie, and I get hurt again. (I want her dead still. I honestly do not see why this is too much to ask for.)
My family reading it and saying, 'that didn't happen'. (Everyone here understands this one, sadly.)
And if I want to be an advocate for mental health, then I can't publish anonymously....and it seems like my mom is no longer interested in her story being told (totally fine) but then is super unsupportive of anything that doesn't help her RIGHT NOW....(ahh this is familiar at least! )
So....fear. I am fear based. Trauma based, PTSD filled, anxiety, depression....these are my familiar.
But.....The opposite of fear is, faith.
You all will hold my hand through this? I'm so so scared....
Of all of it....