I noticed you edited, the very Quote I wanted to point out. Please don't say it's stupid. It's how I feel and agree my husband re-enacted his abuse as well from his overwhelming trauma. Now I feel stupid because you have to spell out KWIM for me. LOL
Lavender, I am sorry for this. I often think, I should just leave what i write, even though it is frought with spelling errors and changes to words due to autocorrect - but that was me feeling....too vulnerable. I think I worried that others who didn't think they fit my mold would think I was judging them. Which is silly, because I posted in here. Whether you are the BS or the WS, CSA has landed you here - and BOY DO I GET IT FROM BOTH SIDES!
For me, I don't think the other forums make a lot of sense sometimes. We are supporting our survivors who acted out (or our survivors are healing from their WS who "felt" pushed away ....God I know what this feels like and almost had an A myself)....the difference here is that these wounds are sooooo soooo deeply embedded in the brain, that the majority of the other forums just DOES NOT APPLY. And it can be quite lonely at times. So when it is quiet in here, I can get into that self pity party place. Hmmm...ok, now I am seeing my error here. When I feel sad about that, I need to reach out more...ok I will try that next time.
Sorry for the edit. I was afraid to hurt other's feelings, and since no one had replied I kind of figured no one had read it.
And while we are here - am I the only one who thinks that no one even knows who they are? Or thinks that others just wish they would go away and stop posting or talking or ....gulp...existing? Without wishing it, I guess.
I need a lot of external validation still. How do we let this go? How do I become enough for myself? I'm working on this one. I don't hate myself anymore! This is kind of a big deal. So may be that is just step one?
It is very hard. Especially someone like me who tries to run away from the pain or want to fix it fast. The thing I am struggling with is remorse, not mine - if WH has any? Then I go back to what DM quoted by not becoming someone with integrity for a while....That is what is hurting me a lot right now. However, I chose to stay. I see the hurt in WH while he is learning almost 50 years later as too why.
Curious, what does your WH say about this? For MrKate - he just didn't have the words to identify feelings for a long time. He did art therapy - hugely helpful. MrKate would says things like, "I feel all of this.....THIS [pointing to parts of his body, heart, throat, head]...but I can't get it out. It's here! It's so powerful! But, it's just there."
For him, he sees colors, not words, so we are working on identifying what different colors are for him. The other day something really good happened, it was a good moment and I can't remember for the life of me, what it was...BUT...He turned to me and said, "YELLOW!". And then explained that he felt a lot of good things and just sees yellow. So....he's still pre-verbal at times.
One of the reasons he doesn't write a lot here. He is starting to journal finally, and I think this is helping.
Thank you also for reminding my of my Coda issues. My IC doesn't think I am, but, I am not so sure. I am struggling with boundaries and things when some of my peeps aren't mentally fully capable. I am working on defining what I am, and what I can handle.
I did let people know I had a thought time yesterday as I watched my mom head off into surgery. I had not been affected like that before. Scared before, sure, but this was intense. I don't know if it is because I feel things now, as opposed to living in denial for so long, or because she looks more her age in that moment (she is 66 but looks 50), and sort of looked at her into the future. It was a strong moment and I was alone. Reaching out to others prevented an emotional breakdown I just assumed I would have when I was not "on call". It never came. Maybe this is more what self care is??
Rambling....going back to points. :)
Skan How great that the protector was not bothered!!!!!! This is wonderful to read!!!
Do you feel switches as much? Do you feel integrations? I know you all choose to work together, which is awesome and strong and amazing! I am just a curious Kate. MrKate made fun of me the other day because I could not for the life of me understand how anyone could NOT want to know everything about everything. I heart google. :)
Now, about that plain of flatness...how goes it since acknowledging it and talking about it? I can't imagine life will be void of these planes. It just seems like the path will be growth, content, too relaxed, let things slide, re-evaluate - rinse repeat. Now, at the moment, my re-evaluate phase looks like "FUCK YOU I AM MAD AND MAYBE I DONT KNOW WHY BUT I AM BLAMING YOU UNTIL WE FIGURE THIS OUT"
....but...whatever....maybe that's just me.