3. We are doing IC and MC. No the marriage didn't cheat. But our marriage did have issues and I own my side. I do not and am not owning his poor decision making skills. But I want to address all of it. We are going to hit at all cylinders and will have therapists agreeing or disagreeing with each other.
You're getting lots of good advice. I'm going to chime in on this bit.
Marriage counseling as a tool (even Gottman certified is a crapshoot for infidelity, IMO) is one that is based on two honest dealers needing better communication techniques to reach a shared understanding of their situation. My generic version of this is having to do with socks being left around the house.
"My husband takes his socks off wherever he is and just leaves them there. It drives me nuts, and no matter how much I tell him, it doesn't change."
Something like this. And the objective is to talk about that behavior and the emotions around it. Why does he take his socks off wherever? Why does he have a hard time recognizing that he does it and putting in the little bit of extra effort to get them in the hamper? Is there a simple reminder they could use? A little joke or coping mechanism when it doesn't go the right way?
Works great! Soon hubby is doing a little better and if he forgets the socks his wife says, "-2 points for Sockyndor." IDK, something like this.
Here is a fully copy paste of a reply I made to "How do I pick a therapist for MC?"
I have a hard time answering this question without getting a little "callback" joke to me walking out of my first MC's office.
Ask them if duty exists. Simple enough question, and very key in both infidelity and reconciliation. A question my first MC refused to answer after I explained that duty dictated why I did something.
Ask number two, "What can a person do to earn back trust?"
The MC needs to be the type that *will* actually hold the WS's feet to the fire and state plainly the having the affair is wrong, damaging, has killed all trust, and that recompense and rebuilding is necessary on the part of the WS.
The MC absolutely cannot be a "leave the socks around" therapist that treats an affair the same way as they treat a disagreement about one spouse leaving socks around the house wherever they happen to take them off. The actual conflict resolution or coping that you will get out of this type of MC is far too flexible. Emotional abuse is basically impossible for this type of MC to tell from a legitimate emotional desire.
Here's how this MC might sound
SOCKS VERSION:
MC: "How does it feel when you see your partners socks lying around the house?"
Clean Spouse: "I feel like they don't respect the effort it takes to keep the house clean."
MC: "Dirty spouse, see how that makes CS feel?"
DS: "Well it's just a pair of socks, I'm so tired at the end of the day. To me it's not a big deal. I'm just trying to relax in my own home and I get a huge sense of relief to just take my shoes and socks off when I get home and plop down. I mean to pick them up but I forget sometimes is all."
MC: "CS, see, DS doesn't see this action as disrespectful, they are just trying to relax, do you think you could just pick up the socks and give a friendly reminder when you do instead of letting this get you really mad?"
AFFAIR VERSION:
MC: "How does the affair make you feel?"
BS: "Unsafe, hurt, and betrayed. Like my whole life has been taken away from me."
MC: "See WS, BS is hurt, doesn't that make you want to stop the affair?"
WS: "I think that love is complicated and you can love multiple people. I don't see why my love for someone else hurts BS."
MC: "BS, see, they don't mean to hurt you. That relationship is important to WS. Can you see past your insecurity to let WS continue a relationship with AP, and just remind them that you make them the most important part of your relationship when they step out on you?"
Don't be surprised if some bullshit very close to this happens.
They really don't care who capitulates. They just try to make each person see the other person's view. They don't pass judgment and they don't arbitrate. They try to get you to agree no matter the cost to either individual. It's the M they are out to save.
Edit to add: What's more, you have to solve the A before attacking "all problems". Otherwise the other problems WILL get comingled with the A and turn into blameshifting. I do think it's great to do a full marriage triage and see if it's even worth trying. Maybe your M was already so bad, D was a better idea even before the A. Why do emergency affair treatment only to lose to the other marriage issues that predated it?
[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 8:10 PM, Tuesday, May 30th]