Update - Dealing with the Aftermath

Hello all, been dealing with the sheer magnitude of my husband's infidelities. Notice the plural? Yep. So what I thought/told was a short term affair would have been a walk in the park to what it has ended up being. First thank you for the support and feedback here. Allowed me to walk away and think about things, to pull at threads, and keep digging. I will spare you the play by play but ultimately what it is, is a year and a half sex addiction (longer if you add in porn addiction), of 3 escorts/ sugar babies; spanning 12 "visits". So the person I found in Arizona that didn't make sense, yep it did! There were two "Crystals" at the same time. So convenient (and yes real names). Through the PI and my own investigating, I have found two of the three women. They were all met through a site called secret benefits that he clicked on the ad while watching porn. So, adding to our therapy team, we have a trauma specialized couples counselor, a CSAT for him, and an APSAT for me. I have also started a women's intensive by Michelle Mays (author of Betrayal Bind) who is near me. I tried to get us in with them but they are booked up for individual and couples. He will do their men's intensive for sex addicts that starts in September. He is currently being evaluated for sex addiction but there hasn't been much debate by any of the therapists. I have meet with my trust attorney, have a family law fact gathering meeting next week and giving myself 6 months to decide on what I want to do.

I do have all info on these two women including addresses, phone numbers, etc and the one who is married I have his info. I am working on what I will say in contacting him. He may know his wife does this, as it is not just an affair but sex work. I don't know. But will tell him.

My anorexia is out of control and raging and when I put two and two together on a lie, I spiraled last friday, went to the one hotel he went to with the last escort and seriously considered taking my life. I am working with the therapists on that, including his therapist, and working on how I am handling this trauma. I am still in shock that all of this has happened and I am riding the emotions and trying to be present for our young kids.

With the timeline I got last week, we are setting up a poly with someone who specializes in this area. It was not a therapeutic disclosure that they like/want to do in this area but I am not waiting for 3,6,12 months to have that happen. I need my ground zero now. It wasn't the full scope that a disclosure would cover but it covers our marriage and the poly will be tied to that.

This is where I am today. I am here and I am focusing on my recovery. I don't trust him. I have taken away decision making of our joint lives, etc. that I could.

Thank you all.

3 comments posted: Wednesday, June 28th, 2023

Anyone hire a PI?

I'm contemplating this. I know some info about her but can't find anything online and I supposedly know her husbands name I can't find anything. I can ask my husband more but it's stupid to believe I'm getting the truth and he says they didn't exchange much info and he has deleted and blocked her so doesn't have her info.

So my thinking, have a third party to get me contact incl for her spouse. If they are truly no contact and he has cut her off ( said he doesn't care anything about her or what happens in her life when I asked) then it's also a test on this. I'm sure if I contact her husband she will try to contact him. I can't imagine he had the ability to not let me know that if he finds out.

Thoughts? Feedback?

17 comments posted: Friday, June 9th, 2023

Who had trickle truth/lies for 100?

Yep, found out more information. Same time frame but more involved. He says he had no info on her. I'm going to get his work cell records and find it. Have her full name confirmed though. Can't find anything online. But will get that. Shit, maybe she will verify some things for me, at least I can stress her the fuck out.

I told him he is actively killing us with his half truths and lies. That his own ego and perceived self preservation is fucking killing us. I would be 6 days from ground zero if he would have been brave and honest. Now I'm starting over again with zero trust.

I just don't know what to do for my kids. Splitting would be so hard on them. But he is destroying the love I have for him.

11 comments posted: Friday, June 2nd, 2023

Dealing with the aftermath

Found out on Friday confirmation of my husbands affair. What's insane is I knew something was happening as it happened. Know the day they met, huge weird signs like him being MIA for 2 hours at the mall, some odd story that didn't make sense, to the next 6 weeks of growing paranoia and investigation. For weeks, on business trips, I'm trying to track him to see what's going on and why my gut what stop screaming. The whole time it is just sounding the alarm but I am not sure exactly why. I just feel like I'm losing him.

I finally found a credit card charge on Wednesday for Tuesday at a hotel about 30 minutes away. He said it was a bogus charge and challenged it. When he left the next day I suspected he would head to the hotel because if legit then he had to correct that. I knew he wouldn't leave it illegally challenged. I had turned his find my phone on some time prior and realized it was turned off over the weekend. I had asked him that night to turn it on, we both would and I sent him a request which he ignored. I realized he left his Apple Watch and was able to turn it on. It was 30 minutes after he hd left and lo and behold I see him at that hotel. I wait for him to pull out and call him confronting him. He gives me some excuse on it.

I can't prove it so I back down. Then on Friday, after putting our twin boys down for their naps, I decide to check more credit card accounts. Trying to focus on the non shared ones I finally find it. Same hotel charge, from April 13, on a different card. I call him and blow up. He still denies. I tell him I'm leaving. Finally after arguing why I'm owed and deserve the truth he finally starts admitting. And honestly I felt relief. To finally stop with the gaslighting and the crazy making and I can get the facts.

Says had sex 3 times from having just met her at the mall. He says he actually met to end it that Tuesday and blocked and delete all her info. It meant nothing, it was because of the attention, the attraction and ego stroking.

I'm working on verifying but not having her number makes if harder. He's been remorseful, humble, and very supportive and following my requirements. I told him that it's hard for me to know that he didn't just change her name. What's insane is I always had access to his phone and had been checking. Apparently they texted to meet up and he would delete it. I even went so far as putting spyware on his phone but it didn't work well and I had to delete it.

So I'm trying to deal with this. I'm not eating, hardly sleeping, all I want is sex for reassurance (freaking googled hysterical bonding), setting up therapy. I don't care at this point who this woman is as she's inconsequential and he's just the whore who was so easy to violate everything he holds dear.

We have three small kids, our twins are autistic so I left my career at the C suite level to focus on them about a year ago when they were kicked out of daycare. The mfer is opening a new business that's now in partnership with my brother and I don't know if he's trying to blow up his life or what.

I'm all over the place, been mainly just sad until tonight when sex didn't go well and I got mad. Im so mad that I have these images, I stopped asking for many details. I realize there are some things I don't want to know. But nevertheless my imagination is very colorful and full of details. Im trying to hold it together for the kids. I don't want this to be a chapter in their lives. I, in general, really appreciate how well he has handled things but this is now at day 3 and it's tiring and we are cracking. Im happy, im sad, im nothing. All the time.

So there's my story as cliche and stupid as it is. Our marriage and our specialness was blown up for nothing. A fling. Because he wasn't happy. And he had sold himself lies about us and his life, and poor coping skills and fing entitlements. And now I'm left holding the bag, doing the heavy lifting, having to again do right by others, all because of him.

30 comments posted: Tuesday, May 30th, 2023