Gosh there is SO much already written. And some great coping skills.
I am going to run a step deeper.
Phases of anger (justified or un-justified, stemming from deeper fears, present trauma, past trauma or necessary need for defense mechanism) IS a part of every human being, likely from before we humans could even record it in some way.
It is tied to our fight/flight response. It allows us to stop or escape threats to survive.
This is NOT to minimize it by analysis or to normalize any unhealthy response.
But sometimes our response to anger is causing us more harm than good. Why do I get to say so?
Because I am a verbal rager when I feel trapped by another person’s manipulations or unhealthy designs in my life. Or even mis-perceive their intent because of my own damaged heart.
And I came from ragers who has terrible mis-treatments in their lives. Overall wonderful people who do not respond well to threat or perceived threat in an unpredictable world.
I am saying this because I studied and worked on healthy response to feelings prior to marriage. I did not like the results of verbal rages. They divide. They do not bind.
And I discovered after DDay, that well trained verbal rage lion left the cage I had cooled and comforted it in, and came out to roar over and over. A lion is still a lion. It does roar.
NOT the best side of me. So I worked harder on reactiveness and response to
negative feelings the past 10 years.
Knowing this, you may not be me or anyone above. You may have good control of anger, and go through phases of grief very well…but hate feeling what is necessary to feel and process your story.
Or you may be like me. And need extra guidance and help - the issue may not be feeling what you feel, but how to respond to your feelings.
It sucked finding out I flew into rages after 2 decades of keeping that lion fairly well managed. But owning all of me is part of healing.
And, early on, when I saw Mr Uxor seemed to want me to be reactive so he could justify his affair, I went for help to calm that roar. I was not going to do that unhealthy spin cycle. And I was not going to give any amo to the huge lie of affair justification.
Though that should not matter, the fighter in me can be channeled to not fuel disfunctional fires. It is a good direction for my fight-flight energy….prevention.
Betrayal reveals some unexpected things about both parties. And it did.
So…now….
I do not allow anyone to tell me I can’t feel anything. I am absolutely allowed to feel anger, frustration, fear, exhaustion, sadness, despair, loneliness, confusion. Same with happiness, joy, pleasure, contentment. Those belong to me too.
But if I respond to my feelings in a way that harms me or others, I am only keeping myself and my relationships from being the stabilizing forces I need and deserve. As does anyone.
Forgive yourself if you anger has spilled over in ways that are damaging. But hold yourself accountable to the work of stabilizing your reactions so that you don’t dismantle the life you deserve. For any feeling good or bad!
There is helpful info in the healing library on here in articles. And some of the books do have info on emotional regulation after trauma. It will help you recognize how to know the difference between boundaries and revenge. As well as how we gain control of responses as we 180 ourselves.
Find counselors who allow feelings with emotional self regulation approaches.
I have been at this for almost 10 years since Dday. And much, much longer from my FOO issues.
Good people can and do react badly to feelings at times. But you can own your feelings instead of your feelings owning you.
We will not, nor should we attempt to be "perfect" (a set up for failure), but we can definitely make it to "better" and "functioning"….at times, with work, even "thriving" again!
Hope this helps.