SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

smilingme -

I don't feel like it has happened again because he did not have the opportunity.

gently, this is a common, wrong, assumption. It may have been on SI where I read a woman found out her husband would cheat when she’d go to doctors appointments or run to the store. As soon as she left the house he’d jump in the car to go to a "massage parlor." After years, he got sloppy and she found out from a receipt. Point is when it comes to cheating, when there’s a will there’s a way. Hell, oftentimes cheaters will cheat right in front of their spouse, texting their affair partner while in the same bed as their BS, or during dinner, or while watching tv with the family. Or with a family member. Or a family "friend" etc etc.

I recorded for months before it happened.

Why?

Now I fear that he does and he might consider it again.

This is a reasonable fear given you already know 1. he has the capacity to do it 2. he got away with doing it 3. he has a wayward mindset of "me me me." As others have pointed out, remorse would have had him confess and be worried with how it affects you. Regret is all his worrying over how the event(s) could affect him. And as Hellfire pointed out, you are inferring what you want the crying to mean.

Unfortunately, or rather fortunately, you aren’t going to find advice on SI on how to tolerate or live with a cheater.

I guess a part of me thinks that him having secrets is also in a way torturing him too. That his secrets- he thinks I don't know are causing him pain. And in a way I find comfort in that.

I think this comment might be worth exploring further. My best friend was the youngest in the family and was bullied by his older brother. Because he was small and could not fight back, he would do things to his brother's belongings when he wasn't around. It was his adolescent way of gaining some power and control back. He would never fess up, and it became an ingrained way of dealing with things for him. Even as a senior, his default setting is to return to that behaviour.

It might be that you perceive a power imbalance in your relationship and holding onto this secret knowledge brings it back into alignment, at least in your own mind. To tell him wouldcresime the imbalance.

The fact that he talks to you in cryptic or coded speech tips the imbalance in your favour as he doesn't know you've broken the code.

Anyway, just my two cents. All I know is we have one single, precious life. Why not live it authentically?

Hellfire; How do I go about confronting him and bringing the truth out without revealing my source? I know he will do everything he can to not confess without actual evidence put in front of him.

Sit him down and tell him, " I know you cheated on me."

He will deny it.

Look him in the eye,and tell him again. "I KNOW you cheated on me. This isn't a question. I KNOW."

Don't tell him when,where,who,or how you know. Any information you give him tells him exactly what you know,therefore he will only admit to exactly what you know. There may be other times places, and women. You will need the entire truth.

He will ask how you know. Tell him that's none of his business, and not up for discussion. This isn't a court of law. You don't have to prove to him that you know what you know. He knows he's cheated. You don't have to convince him of it.

If you tell him how you found out, he will flip this around to it being your fault. You spyed on him. You invaded his privacy. Which is completely ridiculous, but a common wayward tactic.

If he refuses to tell you,then you can tell him you had hoped he would be open and honest, so you could then discuss the terms of attempting reconciliation. But since he's going to continue to lie,and disrespect you,you will be forced to consider your options. Then 180 him. Stop having sex. Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his laundry. Stop being his friend. Stop acting like a wife. Treat him like an annoying roomate. Be polite,but not loving. See an attorney, to find out what divorcing him looks like.Eventually he will break down and admit it. Or,not. If he doesnt,then you do need to consider if you're truly ok staying with a man who lies to you,risked your life,and has no respect for you.

Also..if they want to cheat,they find a way. He could be talking yo women online. Or maybe he leaves work early. Mine was never late from work. He was always home when he was supposed to be. He was having the affair at work, and they were having sex in her car,during dinner break.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:02 PM, Saturday, January 28th]

I hope I'm wrong but chances are he will, or already has, cheated again. I couldn't live with a cheater so I confronted my WH. He was very remorseful, but of course there was some trickle truth. I got a book, "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" I read it and gave it to WH. Told him if he couldn't follow that he could leave. He said the book helped him, that some things he thought would help weren't helpful.

He is likely risking your life having sex with others, they rarely use protection. Get STD testing ASAP.

Wow. Rug-sweeping is not the way to go, but I have to admit I'm almost...impressed that you were able to listen to a recording of your husband having sex with someone else and then pretend everything was normal for 8 years...

We always assume we know what something was about. That it was one time and that the person was consumed by guilt. We think no one else knows our spouse the way we do, that they are different. You should reinstall the app, take a look at phone records, get into email. I think you will find that you've only seen the tip of the iceberg. I think you will need to see it all to believe it.

Well gosh - that is a horrible story. I am sorry you are here. You will read/talk to a lot of people on this site. Some are reconciled. Some are not. But everyone here knows on some level what you are feeling, at least about some things.

You have received a lot of great advice here which I will not repeat as I know it can all be overwhelming, so I just wanted to address this question:

How do you tell your WH you know without telling/giving yourself away? Hellfire's advice was spot on. Granted I did not take that advice when I confronted (the first time), and I admit I lied and gave a fake, but plausible reason how I knew. It was vague and I "kept the details to myself" but I did not tell the truth - and honestly I was very upset with myself for stooping to his level because at that point lying about anything made me feel like him - like a huge dirtbag. That being said, I would do it again if I had to - but not giving up your sources is KEY. I would say do not tell how you know and if that gets you stonewalled or accused of "not trusting him", if all else fails (or like me could not wait any more for him to fess up) make something up. Keep the details vague, not only about how you know, but about what you know as most people are not "lucky" like I was - my WH was caught, realized the game was up, and spilled beans for like 6 hours solid. This is NOT normal. Be prepared for defensive, angry (or stonewalling) type behavior. It seems if you have the resolve to wait 8 years for a confrontation you will likely do better with Hellfire's proposed method than I was.