You know you should read all the advise here as staying with her is a real risk and you could waste many more years for absolutely nothing but more hurt and misery.
Your just about 40 too. You still have plenty of time to meet someone new and have a real good relationship. The older women are smarter generally too. You have a better shot at happiness with someone new than with your wife.
That is just the reality.
You should really go back and read Chameleon Tea’s responses again. She really gave you good advise and gave you an accurate representation of what your life will be like going forward. Your life and your kids lives will revolve around her disfunction.
That is also the reality.
She did love you. Your relationship was real. She dropped her guard and let another man in. She fell in love with him. That’s what happened. There is no logic when you are in love.
Affairs are extra potent for women too. It’s a lot to explain but your wife had the most dangerous affair cocktail. Not only cheating on you but cheating with a married man.
Many women are attracted to married men. In a nutshell women get attracted through thinking, worrying and anxiety.
So,
1) when she was with you she was worrying about him and being caught which made her actually think more about him. That increased her attraction which made the sneaked time with him more intense. If she met him while they were both single the attraction would not be near as intense.
2) the fact that he is married also increased her attraction. His wife becomes a factor and adds to her worry. Not just being caught but a competition that she is better than her. It adds to the love story. If it wasn’t for our families we would have the most magical life together.
In both cases women get this fantasy that if they just swap out the husband and wife life will be so great. Never mind that’s resentful spouses, kids and lawyers will will divide assets and cost money will put a serious damper on the magical new life.
This is what is known as true "Affair Fog"
That’s why you cannot be nice when it comes to the legal matters. Don’t let her manipulate you into giving her a soft place to land. You will actually enable the fantasy.
Remember this, you cannot defeat feelings with logic.
Her brain still works. She knows she is terrible. She knows what she is doing is destructive. But that high of being in love is so intense. She can’t help herself.
In this world of infidelity if you read the literature from the non stupid modern experts they often use drug addiction as the metaphor for cheating.
Your wife is now an emotion junkie. That’s why she started with the dad at the ballgame. It sucks being at home right now with all the hurt and rules. She is looking for that hit of happy feelings.
Also she damaged her bond with you. In reality it’s easier for her as well to start fresh with someone new just like it is for you.
It’s going to take real work from her end to fix this. She could not do it the first time and it’s gonna be worse this time. Is she strong enough I doubt it.
There was a lot of betrayal for years. She has lied to you for years. That’s a lot to come back from.
It’s gonna be hard for you to come back from too. Make no mistake about that. You may not see it now.
The future for you two was so bright. You were in a better spot being young, knocking out raising your kids and being financially stable. You had a lot of good times that could have been better than most. Other couples would be envious of your life. I understand why that dream is so enticing that you would want to hold on to it.
But she ruined everything.
You want to hold on to that now and you don’t want to let that dream go but you need to realize that your feelings are going to change too. You will develop a lot of resentment toward her as time goes on.
You will. You may forgive but you will never forget.
To go back to the drug addict analogy. You are going to have to monitor her intensely. You were too lax the first time. She was in an intense relationship you were a little naïve to think you were not going to have to be the marriage police. Checking in every couple of months that is in the future.
That’s right you are going to have to spot check her forever. Any time she does something shady.
Is that what you really want?
But for now it’s not prison more like impatient drug treatment. You need to follow these strict rules but there is the door. Your free to leave.
Your kids and her family need to help as well. I’d let her stay with them if she can for a while so she can decide for her self if this marriage is what she really wants.
Also it is a good test to see if she is strong enough to handle this. If you find her cheating again she can’t come home.
I’d be careful with the "I’m going to support her no matter what" mentality. You would not be thinking that if she keeps cheating or actually forms a relationship with another man. You only think that because you desperately want to save the marriage.
That’s another reason she has not hit real rock bottom. You won’t let her. You keep saving her at the last minute.
I’m glad you are moving forward with filing. You need to protect your assents. Even if you do end up back together. Listen to your lawyer and make sure you are protected now and in the future. Even if it’s mean to her.
You have no choice. She cannot be trusted.
You can still be kind and loving to her. "I love you I want to save this marriage but I need to protect myself" "I love you but you have not shown that you love me at all and I don’t want to trap you here" "We both should move on if you don’t want this"
That need to be the overall vibe of your conversations.
I highly recommend the book "not just friends"
It has a concept of "walls and windows" that is really good.
She cannot bond with you correctly until all the secrets are truly out.
You need to give her one last chance to tell the truth.
Explain to her that she cannot truly love you unless she comes fully clean. It’s the two of you vs everyone else. She cannot have any secrets anymore. She cannot have any secrets between her and another man. She will never be able to bond with you while she does. She is not capable emotionally of bonding with you while she is still holding on to secrets with other men.
She needs to make a full written time line and she needs to email it to you so you can make adjustments (and give it to his wife).
Tell her this is it. It is the last chance. It will be investigated so it better be real.
All the lies. Everywhere it took place how many times, how she was feeling, why she wanted to leave you, all other men and anything that happened with them.
It will be easier for her to write it then tell you to your face.
If it is not a full accounting and you find out she is still lying then you need to leave and never look back.
It’s starts there.
It’s time to lay down the law so here are a few other rules going forward and she needs to willingly agree to them because you can’t live like this forever.
But for now,
Dam right she is going to tell the wife. Everything including trash he talked about her. That can be edits you make to her time line that you can give to her. He is the enemy and she better treat him like the enemy.
I would take her phone immediately when she gets out of the hospital and go get her a brand new one with a new phone number.
Then you can investigate her old one. Maybe see if you can find a professional to search it and restore any deleted things.
This may save you future heartache as you may find she is still lying to you. She better give it up.
This is the first thing you need to do.
Make sure it’s an I Phone. No android. Make sure it’s under your account not hers.
cheaters hate iPhones because you cannot hide what you download. There is a record.
You may find she is still lying and still talking to him.
She will never download social media. Of any kind. Watch the games too. many of them like words with friends and clash of clans have chat options.
Give her a laptop to use as well She better never delete her browsing history. Ever.
Also this rule is in place for ever. No Male Friends…… Ever again. There will be no more jokes (what bullshit) because she will never have any personnel chat of any kind between her and another man the rest of her life. She will never give a man her phone number or email ever again for any reason.
Being alone with a man is done weather that’s talking with a neighbor, co worker, or any man on any device for any reason. She has sex with her male friends so she can’t have them.
She better be accountable for where she is and who she is with at all times. Keep the ringer up real loud. I’d call with FaceTime from now on.
This is what needs to happen. Are you sure you want this? Without strict controls she is going to relapse.
You need to get into therapy as well.
Also If you are going to try I would suggest marriage counseling.
Find a Gottman trained counselor as they may tell you that you should get a divorce.
As long as you use the therapy not to save your marriage at all cost but use it to mediate discussions about "If you should save your marriage" it could help.
These are just my opinions if you are dead set on trying again. The other people on here are right in there assessment that a lot of damage has been done and you will probably be happier to move on.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through.
I wish you the best of luck.