I really dont have much to add that hadnt been advised already here except to say Im sorry you are here facing this cesspool of her making. To take a 30 year marriage, crumple it up like so much trash is unconscionably aggregious, yet here you are. The fact that you were on the verge of some of the greatest times in your life, i.e. kids successfully raised and on their own, possibly looking at their marriages and grandkids down the line, retirement, new adventures, etc., makes her betrayal that much more sharp beyond the 30+ years of relationship history.
I am close to your age and I hope that youll be able to find some way to tie this off mentally, emotionally, and spiritually so that it doesnt poison you any further. She brought gangrene into your marriage and it now has to be amputated, with tourniquet applied and wound cauterized. Its an ugly mental image but it fits what youve described. When I say amputated, I mean divorce with extreme prejudice and no contact. All communication goes through attorneys. No more allowing her poison into your life. None.
I have a friend that was recently in your position. Long term decent marriage (he thought). Kids out of the house. Looking at some great years together, and she bails to be with some POS she met through one of her hobbies. Hes in shock and grief, as are the kids. She starts blathering about all of her supposed "grievances" to justify her betrayal.
Something happened in my otherwise loyal, wife and family loving, generally soft spoken, hard working friend. He hardened. Its like he took 1000mgs of fukitol. Id NEVER seen him like this before. He cut her off from any direct contact to him. He filed, shipped her stuff to the doorstep of her and her loser, allowed her to take other things from the family home under the supervision of a trusted third party, ended up selling the family home in the divorce and relocating to a very nice condo. I wouldnt call the divorce amicable. He just was not a push over and I really believe she thought he would be. It was so weird, the more he cut her off, the more desperate she became to communicate with him, probably to spew her justifications.
After the divorce, he stayed NC, spent a lot of time with his kids and their SOs (they wanted nothing to do with their Mom....saw her as a traitor to their family), got therapy, and started dating. Hes now in a relationship with a very nice woman whos actually much prettier, 11 years younger than his ex, is very successful, and dotes on him. Its amazing to see.
I asked him one time how he found the resolve to behave as he had and he told me it was pure self preservation. He said that he may have seemed like he was tough and moving through it with strength but inside he was drowning and all she was doing was "throwing rocks to a drowning man", and he knew he wouldnt survive it otherwise.
The last thing I heard about concerning his ex from a mutual friend is that she is truly shell shocked. The bloom is off the rose of her relationship with the loser, her family wants nothing to do with her, her kids are very low contact with her, and her ex has moved on with an alacrity that no one had ever seen before (we are all cheering him on). Hes not recovered, but he has made great strides.
Strength, resolve and clarity to you sir.
[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 1:02 AM, Friday, September 23rd]