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I want you to be happy. Even if it means you’re not with me. I don’t want to stop you from finding out what you need for yourself in life

Noooooooo! You are engaging! Don't engage. You are not projecting a strong frame by sending this. You need to move towards a place of indifference towards her.

I don’t want my EXWW to be happy, neither do I want her to be unhappy. I simply don't give two shits about her. She registers about as important as the lint in my dryer trap.

She's so erratic lately it's scary to me (makes me think she might go crazy and try for custody, etc). She's getting advice from the AP which is obviously toxic as hell.

I went out yesterday with friends and when she asked where I was going / who with, I just said "doesn't matter. Maybe I'm going on a date" and she was a little annoyed...

But then today the OBS texts me and says that her husband (the AP) told HER I was going on a date.

So my WW told the AP... who then told his betrayed spouse... seems silly to me, like teenage drama.

My WW texted this last night after I came home

I didn't respond yet.

Hi. Hope you guys had a good day. I think we should have a conversation about what you're thinking/wanting logistically with the separation. I don't think we need to go through lawyers. I don't want to take anything from you. Just want it to be fair and good for our son. I don't think us living under the same roof is going to be a good solution for long. What are your thoughts.

[This message edited by alphabet100 at 10:45 PM, Sunday, April 7th]

Don't respond. Crickets.

Handle everything through your lawyer, don't tell her you have retained an attorney.

She's getting advice from the POS and informing him of every step you are taking, no more conversations with her UNLESS it concerns your son.

No conversations, no chit chat, don't do a thing for her, focus on you and your son.

Good call, thanks. It seems so obvious, but I guess I just need to hear it from people so thank you.

Alpha, unless you changed it you should edit your son’s name in her texts.

My guy.

Go sleep in your bed.

Stop being led and be a leader.

Your wife is banging a man while sending you cute texts about your child.

If I were you I start being strategic about coming out this divorce with as much as you can and always follow your lawyers advice.

Your marriage is over. Stop being Mr nice guy, your wife doesn't have your interests at heart, only setting the AP up in your home.

Tren I agree, that's why I'm worried she'll find a way to "out lawyer" me and wind up taking my kid away or something.

A lot of men say this when it's not even honestly true, but I actually am the closer parent to my son now. I spend more time with him than the mom does, I do more special "fun" things with him, and she's traveled / been away for 15-20% of the past year for work.

So I'm terrified of losing him. That's really what's making me crazy and not acting right/strong here :(

I spend more time with him than the mom does, I do more special "fun" things with him, and she's traveled / been away for 15-20% of the past year for work.

Start documenting. Keep a daily journal of time spent with him, and time she gives up with him. Might want to set up a new email account and send emails to yourself, that way it’s time stamped.

Annb makes some good suggestions. Pay attention to what she is telling you.

Could use some advice here. This is a weird one for me.

WW and my son are over at our mutual friends' house. They really ARE mutual friends who I believe like us both, and their kids are good friends of my son.

They just invited me over and said I should come, it won't be awkward etc.

WW just texted me also, and said I should come over. "Don't know if you want to but just wanted to invite you"

I know not to give in to the WW. But my friends are my friends....

And as always, I'm worried about keeping all the people I can on my "side" at least enough to be good character witnesses that I was always there for my son, very involved, etc.

What do I lose if I go over, but essentially ignore my WW for the most part?

What do I lose if I go over, but essentially ignore my WW for the most part?

What do you have to gain? There's too much interest in you being there. Nothing good comes from behaving like a married couple anymore. It only benefits your Ex. Visit your friends some other time. Take the kids. Not the STBX.

I appreciate the offer but no thanks maybe we can connect some other time.

[This message edited by grubs at 12:38 AM, Monday, April 8th]

I'd do a hard pass. I've been through these awkward moments and she is attempting to retain some control and normalize the situation. No doubt she'll be texting the play-by-play to her AP while you sit across the room trying to be social and civil. The above advice from annb of "no conversation or chit-chat" should be in stone.

Good call. I told the friends I appreciate them but don't want to bring that drama to their house. Gonna see them tomorrow without my WW, so all good.

Good decision. I am sorry you are being put in these awkward positions. Your WW is trying to use your mutual friends and your son to put herself in a good light. Don’t fall for it. She is very manipulative. Her texts are not sincere. The hard fact is that she is no longer your friend. She is a liar and a cheat, and you deserve so much better. Never forget that you, are the prize. You and your son will get through this. Document and have witnesses to all of the time you spend with your son. If it were me, I would definitely get an attorney. She is demonstrating that she will try to manipulate events to her advantage. AnnB’s advice is sound. As little contact with your WW as you can do. And you can do this without rancor. Do not engage with her or argue. Your WW has failed you. She has betrayed you and her own vows. At this point she has lost your respect. If you wish in the future, you will find someone better. Always value yourself. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:19 AM, Monday, April 8th]

I might be late to this post, but my guts are churning over this.

I think we should have a conversation about what you're thinking/wanting logistically with the separation. I don't think we need to go through lawyers. I don't want to take anything from you. Just want it to be fair and good for our son. I don't think us living under the same roof is going to be a good solution for long. What are your thoughts.

Everything in this message is the opposite of her intentions. This message is a clear indication that she's already lawyered up.

Listen to your lawyer. Immediately.

She will record this whole conversation to be used against you.

She already has a lawyer who would be coaching her how to steer you through this whole conversation.

She wants to take everything from you.

She wants it totally one sided for her.

She wants you out of the house so she can claim primary custodian and residency.

You are now under attack from this totally different person person living in your wife's body. She will say anything to you to help her case while conspiring against you to destroy your life.

Listen to your lawyer. Immediately.

Record every interaction. Do not engage. Keep records of everything.

Listen to your lawyer. Immediately. Do everything he tells you to do. Good luck.

Edit: ok you have a lawyer. I read the whole post again.

[This message edited by PickleRick at 4:11 AM, Monday, April 8th]

It’s rare that infidelity impacts divorce but would you elaborate on how you discovered your wife and OM were at the same hotel? Could you confirm if they booked separate rooms? Was this from the PI you hired? Did the PI provide any confirmation on whatever info he gathered?

The Pi confirmed they were both registered guests at the hotel. I think my wife had it paid by her company as part of their trip. Probably separate rooms though.

Then the PI went there and caught them together kissing, holding hands etc out at dinner.

Ok, from a guy who has been far too accommodating and nice to my X throughout the process and afterward.

You cannot treat her in anyway other than as a hostile entity. I made many errors that I pay for still today (not monetarily), but in a emotional impact that really doesn't go easily. I could have lowered this impact in my opinion by not seeing her as what I thought she was, or allowing my memories to cause me to cause or soften my reactions.

It sounds like she has plan of some kind moving along, trying to appear like it was a mutual seperation. It is frankly not in your interest to allow her to control the narrative. I paid a very heavy price that has taken me years to repair to a degree all because I tried to be the "bigger" or "more mature" person. Example these mutual friends, if you think for one second she has told them she is cheating with a guy 20 years older and destroying her family, well you would be sadly mistaken.

I'm not saying be insane, that wouldn't serve your purpose, what I am saying is the truth needs to be presented.

Your WW being in contact with this guy should provide your 100% clarity on who she values, and sadly it isn't you.

Disrupt her plan sir....

I think you’re being way, way too nice. Almost "sappy" about her and your relationship. And I think you’re doing yourself a disservice in that you are allowing her to think that this is alright.

I’m not saying you should be a complete asshole to her. I think my attitude and words to her would all come from a place of, "you’re the one doing this disgusting affair, wrecking our marriage, wrecking our kids life and destroying a good future all for bullshit. I hope it was worth it."

I’d probably also let her know that there is no friendship going forward with someone who has perpetrated the biggest deception and disrespect you’ve ever encountered in your life. And that you’ll only be communicating with her regarding the child and everything else will be through lawyers.

I mean, if you’re dead set on divorce at this point, being extra nice to get a favorable divorce settlement is a valid strategy. You can always bring the hammer down after divorce is granted. But if you’re still hoping to work this out in some way, some hard reality needs to hit her.