SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I go through life without that cloud hanging over my head. I'm here mostly to support others who are going through what I went through. So when I'm here, I think about it, but it's different. It's not with pain, it's almost clinical. I don't love him anymore and I don't see or talk to him, so the emotion isn't as attached to it. When I'm just living my life, it isn't a part of my life. I'm not dating yet, but it may come back in the sense of me being extra vigilant with my choices in men. It's more of "I got burned and will handle things more carefully", not in a "I'm going to break down" kind of way. I don't cry over it and it doesn't bring me down even after talking about it here. Honestly, for me, removing him from my life removed most of the trauma and pain.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 5:06 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

I think in your case, since you had such a long failed R, you and time has probably done quite a bit of work in moving on.

I had a blindside divorce. Ex had weird moments for the last year prior, so something was up, but it was only stuff here and there. And we had three kids, it's hard to put yourself in the doubting shoes when you're in the midst.

So it was a blindside divorce where she married the AP, whom she knew before we ever met. So for me it was adjust to the divorce, adjust to single parent, adjust to her remarrying, adjust to being with another woman.

I didn't think about the betrayal as much after the first couple of years. I'm not going to say it's not there. I think it's there for all of us, just buried more. Part of it is after hashing and rehashing, I just get worn out over it all. I can't conjure much feeling at all over my marriage any more.

One thing I think that happens in divorce is that you tend to go in different directions from your partner. The fact that the ex has remarried with AP/stepdad and the "new family" makes me a lot less likely to do the same thing. I don't really want a stepmom for my kids. I need to be the one in charge of them, and I really don't feel like sharing that with someone else. As far as remarriage goes, a part of me thinks that going there indicates some sort of approval of my exe's actions. I will probably need to do something other than formal marriage, if I ever have any sort of formal commitment again.

I think when kids are involved, it's probably impossible to sever all of the emotional ties to the ex. We all gotta live, though. Evidently everyone brings baggage into a LTR, why should I be any different?

I'm only a couple months into the divorce process and moving out. The first couple weeks, it barely crossed my mind. But rather quickly it all came back. I think about it often (many times a day). Like you, the triggers are all around me. But I do think about it less.

Actually the thing that bothers me the most is a location. Somewhere I tried very hard to reclaim with my STBXW. But it was all bullshit during the TT period. I'm down that street a couple times a week. I still feel like such an ass thinking about how gullible I was.

I'm sure the 3+ years you've spent reliving this nightmare has a lot to do with it. You're just done. Nothing wrong with that. You gave damn near everything in you to make it work. Now you can rest.

I'm over 8 years out from D-Day and divorce, and we have no kids so haven't had contact in over 8 years. I have no emotions attached to him anymore. I stay on SI because when I was hurting, I lived to read stuff written by people who had not only survived, but thrived. I try to repay some of that to newer people who are suffering - to reassure them it will be ok. But I don't even really think about WXH when I'm doing it. My entire life has changed from when I was married (moved from a suburb 20 miles out to the city, bought my dream house, have a different job, actually have friends, etc.) that it almost seems like a bad dream now. Most people I know either have forgotten or don't know that I was ever married.

I've found love and am very happy. It did permanently change me in that I will never commingle finances again, and it made my thinking much more black and white than it was before on the topic of infidelity, due to the many, many books I read in the years after D-Day (which is how I process things, by reading). Which is why I mostly post in S/D and on people's posts who have decided to divorce :)

I'd like to see about a consensus here among those who have followed through on D - how often do you think about your XWS's betrayal and infidelity know that you have cleaved the pair bond and moved on?

As you know, on my Dday I was both informed of the A and dumped for the AP. Total ripping the duct tape off. My ex had a son who was essentially my step-son (I didn't formally adopt him, but we were emotionally close like father and son). We worked out an informal custody arrangement which basically had him with me on "long weekends" (Fri-Sun or Fri-Mon) and with her during the week. Also, she traveled for work and he would stay with me during those times.

This continued for years because he was just 9 when we split. He was still in my life when I met my current wife. He was my best man in my wedding. He is the Godfather of my oldest child. When he was in high school he would come over to our house on Sunday, do some "chores" (like mow the little postage stamp lawn we had back then) and I'd pay him for the "work" (like $100), he'd join us for dinner, then return to his mother's. We're still in contact to this day.

My relationship with his mom morphed over time. Initially it was painful to me to interact with her. The first few times we exchanged custody I wept. Keep in mind she dumped me for another man. I was utterly sucker-punched by the event.

Eventually this faded to less pain, then indifference, then a sort of odd feeling of gratitude that she dumped me so abruptly, almost mercifully, allowing me to move on. I went through a period where I was having a lot of sex with a variety of women and, though that lifestyle isn't the sort of thing I'd want for a long term, it was fun for a stint.

We eventually became friendly, but in a different way. Like Phoenix says below, like somebody I used to know in a previous chapter of my life. Do you have somebody in your business life that you've done deals with but also had major head-butts with? Now, when you encounter that person, all of that history of partnership and conflict infuses the relationship with a bit of mutual respect? It's like that. Long-ago combatants who lost some and won some and have reached a sort of detente.

Since the son reached adulthood I rarely communicate with her, in part because we've moved to distant places from one another. The occasional birthday or holiday greeting. A year or so ago I agreed at her request to be a reference for a professional opportunity for her that she succeeded in getting, a big step up in income for her. She's good at her profession and I honestly said so. She thanked me by surprising me with a vintage Strat (I play guitar as a hobby, which she knew). It was a classy gesture on her part. That's probably the last interaction we've had. I don't hate her. It's just that I have another life now and she's not part of it.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:04 PM, September 4th (Friday)]

those who have followed through on D - how often do you think about your XWS's betrayal and infidelity know that you have cleaved the pair bond and moved on?

I am 7 years out from D. The pair bond is completely severed and has been for a long time. Thoughts of him are fleeting, and usually in the context of something one of our kids has said to me. Most thoughts are of the eye roll worthy type. He is just someone I used to know in previous chapters of my life. No different than, say, an old high school boyfriend. Only difference being we had kids and almost 30 years together.

As for the sex thing, before I kicked Xhole out for good, he tried to be intimate. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on perspective), every time I looked at him I no longer saw the physically handsome man. All I saw was the black-hearted evil that lived inside the handsome facade. It repulsed me to even have such evil touch me. But no judgment on you. You are still married. You do you.

Thumos,

It’s been a while since you posted an update. Just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing. Is the D moving forward or more or less stalled with Covid? Has WW made any effort to change your mind or at least show you that she’s finally starting to get it. Do you think she believes the D will really happen?

Hoping for a smooth exit for you and the kids.

Yes. As you might remember I had serious concern for your well being due the stressors.

Matters came to a head and you finally made the call. You were going to talk to your son and OBW.

Then you backed off and then nothing.

Your vitriolIc rage against AHs wife leads me to think that all at home is not good.

So how are you really?

Your vitriolIc rage against AHs wife leads me to think that all at home is not good.

Vitriolic rage. That’s rich. I’m just being blunt and not pulling punches. Seriously, give me a break. AH’s wife deserves nothing but condemnation in my view. Her manipulation is epic and her lack of remorse is fairly evident.

It’s interesting when someone like me wakes up and starts using straightforward language someone else pops up to say these sorts of hyperbolic things like “vitriolic rage.”

I wonder why that is? 🤔

As for my own situation, Things are moving forward. Not backing off. A lot to do. The practical to do list is quite long in fact. Imagine everything from home shopping to debt reduction to home repairs to working thru a child supoort calculator to mapping out the terms in specific language.

I’m choosing not to update here for a bit because I don’t want to telegraph anything at this stage. I don’t believe my WW actually believes it will happen and she’s love bombing like crazy, but indeed it will happen.

Timing is an issue. I don’t know if I indicated here already but I’m leaning toward beginning of the New year.

All at home hasn’t been good for four years since my WW decided to step out and have a three month affair. I thought I was pretty clear about that. That’s why I’m getting divorced 😂

Has WW made any effort to change your mind or at least show you that she’s finally starting to get it.

There’s nothing that is going to change my mind, short of, I guess, an unvarnished moment of true honesty from her and I’m not going to get that. But even then I would be hard pressed to change course. She hasn’t done any real work to drill down on why she did this, I had to basically drag her kicking and screaming last year thru a more thorough disclosure process which ended in her failing the polygraph.

One epiphany for me was after the heart attack scare when I realized that while she was fully capable of putting three months’ of time and energy into an affair she couldn’t devote a few hours’ time toward writing down a timeline until I gave her an ultimatum. And even then it took her four months to finally read it to me. On top of that, I realized the gaslighting and humiliating sex in our own home and the playing house with him while I was out of town were compounding toxic elements that made it impossible for me in light of how she’s behaved after the affair.

Reading posts by men here at SI lately when it all comes raging back 10, 25, or even 40 years later has only strengthened my resolve — and merely confirmed for me that “reconciliation” is really a bit of a pipe dream in most cases.

I’m excited about getting out from underneath this and leading a different life.

The thought of watching my son’s face crumple when I tell him makes me sick but I’ll get past that.

I hope she does get it at some point for her own sake but that’s not my concern now.

By the way it’s been exactly 10 days since my last post here. I’m not sure if you all realize it but divorces take longer than that when homes and finances need to be unwound, living arrangements need to be lined up, and there are kids and college expenses in the mix.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:14 PM, September 14th (Monday)]

Thumos, your last post has a strange tone to what you wrote. Not sure how to describe it, and I'm not going to try to pretend I can tell what you are thinking by reading a post. I can only say that it comes across negative.

For example, I think we all understand that D is not a simple, quick thing, especially as some courts aren't open. It will take time. I suspect that everyone who has to D wishes that they were quicker.

As you have resolved to D, what types of things are you doing for yourself? Are you making any plans for after the D is finalized? For me, it really helped me change my perspective when I started focusing on life AFTER the D, rather than the D itself. Just a suggestion.

tigersrule77, I was responding to two posts above from folks who seemed to take my weeklong silence as having some kind of meaning. The only negative tone was in response to a rather ludicrous suggestion that I had expressed “vitriolic rage” in a JFO thread. I did nothing of the kind and a cursory review if my posts would show that. That person was obviously upset bc I’m being very blunt and giving very unvarnished advice as I see it.

The only meaning behind my radio silence is I’m being quiet about the progress as I move along, not wanting to tip my hand. To your point I’m doing precisely what you describe - focusing on life after D. To make that the kind of smooth transition I want requires a bit of planning. A little look before one leaps, while also doing things to the home I live in to make sure it is ready to sell quickly.

There are a lot of moving parts for me before I file. In my case I would like it to be nonadversarial for one, I would like to be better financially prepared for two, and I’d like the timing to minimize pain for my kids as much as possible (altho there’s never a good time). The courts are not closed around here so that is not an issue — altho there will be delays. Beyond that I hate to be cryptic but I’m not going into detail here for good reasons.

To answer your other question, no I haven’t changed my mind at all. If anything I’m antsy and impatient to get it done. There’s the matter of being able to afford divorce, at least insofar as not wanting it to overly materially impact my kids (and I’m hit with college expenses right now for my oldest - tuition, sorority and room and board don’t come cheap).

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:55 AM, September 14th (Monday)]

Eventually this faded to less pain, then indifference, then a sort of odd feeling of gratitude that she dumped me so abruptly, almost mercifully, allowing me to move on.

BTFG: it's good that you recognized this. I wish on some level my STBX would have done this after A#1 or at the beginning of A#2. Would have saved a LOT of energy, time, stress and my health trying to save something that he had long left behind. Getting dumped sucks period, but short and sweet definitely helps the healing move along.

Thumos - I agree with Tigersrule. Something seems off from your previous posts - though I've only read a few - but like you are moving along somehow in a stage of something..hoping you are okay. I know I go in phases posting here and all of this stuff is such a personal process so maybe you just need a break from us :) we'll be here.

I haven't done anything to move forward in my D other than consult an attorney and change from calling him WH to STBX here. So I get it. Things are complicated for us because of a business we own, etc. so I am not expecting to move forward until I am 100% comfortable it is the right time and my ducks are in a row. Also because of his narc tendencies, timing and presentation will be an issue.I will be carefully tiptoeing around the minefield before I get across the border.

The only negative tone was in response to a rather ludicrous suggestion that I had expressed “vitriolic rage” in a JFO thread. I did nothing of the kind and a cursory review if my posts would show that. That person was obviously upset bc I’m being very blunt and giving very unvarnished advice as I see it.

I checked your recent JFO posts because it sounded entertaining if you were just going off in a rage somewhere, lol. Disappointed. If that's rage, I guess I'm a supreme asshole.

I checked your recent JFO posts because it sounded entertaining if you were just going off in a rage somewhere, lol. Disappointed. If that's rage, I guess I'm a supreme asshole.

I was puzzled by the “vitriolic rage” as well - sounded a bit Like an apologist for a WW who has done some absolutely horrific things.

Geez guy. Lighten up. I was just reaching out to see how you were doing. No point in biting my hand off.

Maybe my choice of words was not great, but in fairness I did see you describe her a toxic, craven covetous, materialistic mammon and dullard all in two posts. I’m the last guy to defend her.

Anyway, you do seem awfully offended by those who reached out. So I will leave you alone.

Stay strong in your plan.

I can honestly say that the 4 names listed above are far nicer than some of the things I think of when I see an unremorseful WS continuing to abuse and manipulate their BS.

Thumos, you're doing great. People are picking up on the fact that you're finally standing up for yourself and your beliefs after watching you do the opposite of that for several years. Of course it looks off because it's off brand from the Thumos they came to know for so long.

I don't see vitriolic rage at all in your posts. I see someone who went down the same path many of the BHs in these threads are choosing to do to some degree and you want nothing more than for them to NOT make the mistakes that you have. That means facing the reality of who they married and moving towards a goal instead of accepting stagnation or being paralyzed by fear. Truthfully, it's compassionate empathy and not vitriolic or rageful at all.

I did see you describe her a toxic, craven covetous, materialistic mammon and dullard all in two posts. I’m the last guy to defend her.

Hey I do appreciate people reaching out but no I didn’t appreciate the vitriolic rage characterization.

Vitriol is intentionally cruel criticism. Rage is violent explosive anger.

I don’t think that accurately describes me in either case and I’m sensitive when someone uses rage as synonymous with anger (as I’ll explain below).

I’ve been careful with my words and I think I’m giving AH some pretty good advice.

As for those descriptors of AH’s WW I think they are accurate, and I used them to send a few jolts his way: she has been toxic and acted in off the the charts toxic ways. Being craven is being passively cowardly, and I can’t think of many more cowardly acts than carrying on a two year affair. Covetous? Yes most definitely. She was brazen about coveting her AP’s wealth and planning for how she could branch swing. Materialistic? Very much so. She began checking out of the marriage 6 years ago because of her contention that AH couldn’t provide her the material lifestyle she deserved. She even shit all over his plans for a vacation to Canada (AH didn’t say but I assume this was to one of Canada’s prime locations most people would be thrilled to visit). And then I referred to her love of Mammon, which Jesus warned against (I made this reference because of her own use of Jesus as some kind of talisman). Finally the use of the term dullard. This was simply an honest reaction to the poorly reasoned and I nsipid blather she wrote to AH at least twice.

I don’t think this is a thread jack of my own thread here because it’s important to the D/S consideration and discussion.

One thing I had to realize was that over the last four years I’ve been pushing aside my anger in a Mr Nice Guy feedback loop.

This was because of my own childhood experiences in which actual rage (and yes because of him I know what rage looks like) from my stepfather was a toxic and abusive element in my home.

I had to process that my anger over my WW’s affair and the aftermath was not toxic at all, and not a cover for some other emotion, but a primary emotion of justified reaction to her toxicity. The anger was a warning I tried to push away instead of dealing with it head on. As a result I landed in a cardiologist’s office with what thankfully turned out to be a false alarm kicked off by a misinterpretation of an EKG.

I’m seeing the same tendencies in AH and In another poor man who just showed up in General yesterday. I want people to realize that when they experience justified anger it’s for very good reasons — and when they think about divorce they shouldn’t push these thoughts aside but instead embrace them. Because divorce should be on the table immediately.

That doesn’t mean divorce is necessary for everyone (although I will admit my bias after my own experience does lean that way). But I think there’s an unhealthy tendency to encourage people to think Of divorce after infidelity as failure.

It isn’t. It’s liberation.

Thumos, you're doing great. People are picking up on the fact that you're finally standing up for yourself and your beliefs after watching you do the opposite of that for several years. Of course it looks off because it's off brand from the Thumos they came to know for so long

Thank you nekonamida and I think you are right. I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me but I’ve had a real breakthrough and I’m not going back.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:47 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

I haven't done anything to move forward in my D other than consult an attorney and change from calling him WH to STBX here. So I get it. Things are complicated for us because of a business we own, etc. so I am not expecting to move forward until I am 100% comfortable it is the right time and my ducks are in a row.

Actually those are big steps. you’re only a hop skip and jump away from filing now.

It was almost exactly four years ago this week that my WW commenced her three month affair with a friend of mine.

So much has changed since then. I feel I'm on the right path toward D now and have clarity and I'm thankful for the many people here on SI who have helped me process things over the past year.

That's it - just wanted to give this community a shout out. Had I not arrived at SI about a year ago in so much pain, I never would have found the courage to require my WW to finally step up and do the things I'd asked her to do, such as a polygraph.

And I would still be hunkered down in pain.

I think your life will improve after the divorce. Your wife did some horrendous stuff. In particular, watching you question your mental,health. Does not get much more abusive. Shows a complete lack of empathy.