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I found out on June 3rd my WH of almost 17 years is having an affair with a coworker. It is an emotional affair, we live in the United States and she is located in India. She is also married, she is 12 years younger than us and has only been married for 4 years and apparently she is in a unhappy marriage. One point when both of my children had surgery to have their wisdom teeth out and I had to go and get their medicine my son texted me and told me that my WH was on a phone call in the basement and that he wasn't available. Knowing something was up I checked my security cameras and caught a conversation that he was having and overheard him talking to her and asking her if her parents did not approve of her being with him would she still marry him? He went on to say that he is the happiest he has ever been when he is with her, but they have never met in person. When I confronted him with this and told him to get out he said I misunderstood, and that the only way that she could come here would be if they married. That is doesn't actually mean what I think it means. He said he doesn't know what it is but there is something inside of him that just has to meet her, and that if he meets her and things don't work out he would want to be with me. I told him I wasn't a backup person and again he said it was not like that. Since we had a expensive family vacation booked I kept things together and he promised that he would be on his best behavior on the trip so we could have this family time and he promised that he would try and work on us. He was honest and told me that he was still talking to her and that he did have these feelings and he wasn't sure if he was going to go to India. I told him if he did it was over between us. Once on the trip he texted and talked to her throughout the family vacation in Italy (since now it was only a 3 hour time difference between them) ruining the vacation of a lifetime for myself and our teenage kids. The kids even pointed out that what he was doing was out of line. During the trip I told him once we got home he needs to leave so his attitude was well I am leaving anyway I might as well do what I want. On the final two days of the trip he began to get anxiety saying he doesn't want to leave me or the kids or the house. Once we got home I asked him to move out and he has been living at his fathers now for two weeks, saying that he is now really trying and wants to work things out with me and would like a 2.0 version of us. However, he is STILL talking to this woman outside of work and will not end things with her. I told him today that he needs to make a decision that it is either me or her that I cannot keep this up and that he has until the end of the summer (9/21) to make up his mind. At first he seemed overwhelmed by this and said that is just around the corner and that he is not sure what he wants. But I feel this is more than enough time since this has been going on since the first of June. I feel so alone and lost. I love my husband and I want to save my marriage, this is an emotional affair and they have never met in person but it hurts so much. I KNOW that this is so unlike him and that he is going through something else.

This is called Limerence. It is probably was what adolescent girls felt about Elvis Presley or The Beatles or the boy bands they might have had crushes on. Guys can get the feelings too, and they’re totally irrational. It is a true fantasy, but it has fit into that very immature part of his brain and he’s having the time of his life agonizing over this "love that knows no end". It’s altogether too silly except it’s damaging a perfectly good family.

I don’t have a clue how to tell you to manage this except to look after yourself financially and make sure you and your kids are taken care of. I also want to say that the stress this is putting on you is not good for you because it really does break down your immune system. You might want to talk to a lawyer and get your finances straightened out and you most definitely need to talk to a doctor about temporary medication for anxiety which you are full of right now.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:23 AM, Sunday, August 16th]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

I'm sorry your H has to deal with this, too, because he's in for a very difficult, painful time unless he can pull himself back from limerence.

The thing is: probably the only way out of long distance limerence is to go what we call 'No Contact' or 'NC'. But your H is maintaining, not ending, contact.

I do think it's possible to fall in love with a voice on a phone or video call. I actually did fall in love with a voice in an in-person class, but her voice grabbed me on the phone, too. We were both unattached when that happened, though, so it was more than OK. (She had an A 45 years later, but we dealt with it.)

What are the conditions under which you would take your H back? Write them down and share them with him if he decides he just has a crush. If he signs up to meet your requirements, you've got the basis of reconciliation. If you can't agree on what your new M will be, you don't have a basis for R.

I agree with Cooley: talk to some good family of D lawyers.

*****

I know the pain is excruciating. All I can offer is my opinion that feeling the pain lets it go, and that's the best course of action open to you. But yeah, being betrayed brings along with it immense grief, anger, fear, shame, and other feelings, too.

You can process the feelings out of your body. A good IC can help. There are some methods that you can do on your own, like 'EFT', Emotional Freedom Technique.

Have faith in yourself to heal. You are stronger than you think you are. It also looks like your kids are good sources of support. Kids demand a lot, but every so often, they give a lot, too.

*****

BTW, you've taken some steps that are highly recommended: 1) refusing to engage while the A is ongoing, and 2) setting a deadline.

IMO, courage and patience are great helps to surviving and thriving after infidelity, You've made a good start.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:16 PM, Sunday, August 16th]

One thing I haven't seen named yet in this thread: he told you, in his own words, that you are his second choice. "If I meet her and it doesn't work out, I'd want to be with you" is not a misunderstanding on your part. It's a hierarchy, stated out loud, with you in the backup slot. You answered it exactly right — "I'm not a backup person" — and I'd encourage you to keep treating that sentence as the anchor it is. When your mind starts bargaining ("maybe I misheard, maybe it's not what it looks like"), come back to that one quote. He said it. You didn't invent it.

The other thing: they've never met. He is not in love with a woman in India; he's in love with a screen that reflects back the best version of himself. A person he's never shared a mortgage, a sick kid, or a boring Tuesday with cannot compete with a fantasy — and the fantasy can't survive contact with reality either. That's why the pull feels so overwhelming to him, and why "there's something inside me that has to meet her" may be the most honest thing he's said: the fantasy is demanding its reality test, and he's willing to bet a 17-year marriage on the outcome.

And your kids saw it. In Italy, they watched their father text another woman through a family vacation while their mother sat there. Whatever happens with the marriage, they are learning what marriage looks like from how the two of you handle this. The fact that they spoke up tells you something good: they trust your home enough to tell the truth in it. You're not as alone in that house as it feels at 3 a.m.

Please focus on you and your kids.
See a few lawyers to understand what D might look like and what steps you can take now to protect your family finances (in case he decides to take some money and fly to India). Follow your lawyers advice. You don’t have to file for D, but knowledge is power and will keep you from doing things out of fear of the unknown. You do not need to tell him you are doing this.
Also remember that in some places once you file for either D or legal separation, it protects your finances. Again, talk to lawyers.

Take extra good care of yourself physically. Eat well, drink lots of water, avoid drugs/alcohol, get enough sleep and daily exercise. This helps your body and your mind and emotions. If you are having trouble eating, try protein shakes. If you are having trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor.

I always recommend you get STD/STI testing. Maybe she visited the US once. Maybe he’s cheated before. We just don’t know. Get tested just in case, because there are scary things out there that can kill you. Can’t be too careful. Don’t have unprotected sex with him unless he also gets tested. As you now know, cheaters lie. See he has to show you the results. ANd he can say he has never had sex with her, but if he really wants to repair with you, he should be willing to get tested just for your peace of mind.

What support do you have IRL? It can help to have someone else to talk to who will support you whether you R or D. A trauma- informed IC can be really helpful too. (Individual counseling).

And you have it exactly right that you are nobody’s plan B. You deserve to be someone’s first choice and your kids needs to see that as well.

Keep posting. Is the house in your name only? Do you have your own source of income?

45alone, I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. It is deeply painful and unfair, and I'm glad you've understood the basics and have stood up for your dignity. You're desperate to save your marriage, which is understandable, but not at the expense of yourself, which is healthy.

None of that helps with the pain. What can help (in addition to all the good advice above) is therapy, talking to some trusted friends (especially anyone you know who has been cheated on), and giving your mind a break with some distractions. Whatever occupies your attention for a while - a video game, TV show, book - do that for 30-60 minutes when life starts to feel overwhelming and you can't stop thinking about your WH and the whole situation. Your body needs breaks from the stress. Walks and exercise are good, but they allow time for rumination. You need something that will really hold your attention (avoid social media, though, and videos/chatGPT conversations about infidelity).

I told him today that he needs to make a decision that it is either me or her that I cannot keep this up and that he has until the end of the summer (9/21) to make up his mind.

I KNOW that this is so unlike him and that he is going through something else.

I agree with others that he's in a delusional state right now, addicted to the high of a perfect fantasy woman on the other side of the planet. My family is from India, and I can tell you that getting a divorce there is still a big deal, and his question about her parents' approval is a giant red flag. If her family's opinion is that important to her, I doubt she'll get divorce. I suspect that part of his anxiety is from the reality of going all the way to India for someone he's never met. Now that you've given him that opportunity, he has to face it, and it's probably scary.

What are you going to do if he doesn't make a decision by 9/21?

As an anecdote, I know someone whose WH left for his AP. She filed for divorce. A while later, he realized that life with AP wasn't the beautiful thing he'd expected, they broke up, he came back to his BW with his tail between his legs. The divorce was far from finalized, and he showed true remorse, and they managed to reconcile. The best thing you can do for yourself and any potential for future R is to proceed as if your marriage is over. There's always a chance that can change (some people even get back together after D), but if you act with conviction, he'll be forced to do the same.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 4:48 AM, Monday, August 17th]

I'm so sorry to hear that. As someone who is also suffering and trying to heal, my best advice is to take good care of yourself. It’s tough to face reality and hard to quiet those annoying thoughts and words. It’s okay—don't blame yourself too much. We’re here on Planet Earth to learn and evolve. Once a lesson is learned, we understand more and grow wiser. Keep yourself grounded, and try to spend more time connecting with nature, the earth, and water.I started to do regular exercises and take care of my plants to make myself occupied. Wish you all the best as well.

Update:

My WH is talking more about wanting to stay with me and his family. He has said that he knows that he has made terrible choices and that he does not want this, and that he knows he is probably just crazy right now. He is talking about future plans with me and keeps asking if I "like the way the conversation is going?" and "to not give up on him" and that he "is trying". I have told him that I do like the way things are going the past TWO DAYS, that we need to take things one day at a time and that there are still some things that need to be "handled", I followed up with saying that he knows what I am implying by that statement. He knows I mean to end things with this woman. He responded in a slightly exasperated way, "I know, I'm trying." He told me that he is also working on his resume and is looking to switch departments. Either way if things do not change I intend on sticking to my 9/21 deadline if he does not make a decision. I have to for myself and my children.

I am so sorry your husband is putting you through this nightmare.

Honestly, there should be no compromise. He ends it now with the OW.

My WH ended all contact on D-Day. She was a co-worker who worked at a site 3,000 miles across the country. I would not tolerate any more communication, he called her that day and ended it.

As a matter of fact, I refused to allow her to communicate with him at all, even professionally, so my WH directed all of her inquiries to his admin.

NC is a must. Talk is cheap. It is all about his actions, "trying" is not doing.

Think about it.

My WH found another job several months later because he was unable to perform his duties 100% bc of the OW being in an office he had to frequent a couple of times a year.

Also, please be aware, if your WH says he ended it, burner phones are inexpensive, where there's a will, there's a way, stay vigilant.

Again, so sorry!

One thing you can do is inform AP’s husband (the other betrayed spouse, or OBS).

You don’t know that she’s in an unhappy marriage. Your WH does not either, he just knows what she has told him. Cheaters lie, and this is one of the oldest lies in the book.

It may be hard to track him down, but exposure is one of the best methods of ending affairs. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Get in touch with her OBS if you possibly can. There’s a non-trivial chance that she gets confronted and attempts to salvage her own marriage.

Have you met with the lawyer yet? Get the wheels in motion, let your WH know that 9/21 is the day you file.

I would caution you against talking about future plans with him and the like. Don’t engage in conversations about the future or your marriage. Your message should be simple, like a mantra. "I’m getting myself out of infidelity. Until you can prove to me your affair is over, I will assume it’s not and proceed accordingly."

Here’s a link to the 180. Read the FAQs. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/

Don’t negotiate with him, don’t ask him what he’s doing, DO NOT GIVE HIM REASSURANCE. Your attitude should be if she’s in the picture, there’s nothing to talk about. He calls and says he misses you, you say "I’m sorry you feel that way." He says he thinks he must be crazy, you say "I’m sorry you feel that way." No pats on the head for having a few good days of "saying the right thing". The affair ends, or the marriage does, end of conversation.

(Oh and by the way, the marriage might end even if the affair does. Too soon to promise a reconciliation.)

He says he’s trying. Talk is cheap, and like I said, cheaters lie.