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12 years of marriage. We Have a child. Recently found out my husband is cheating on me since 5 years. After 3 years of marriage his mother had moved in with us after her husband's death. There used to be fights because of the politics played by my MIL.My H always took her side. They were emotionally married to each other.I felt like outsider. Slowly he started silent treatments, stone walling and started to be distant. I was still in all love with him. In 2022, I caught him cheating by talking to a lady on phone for hours. I was devastated. He didn't give me any detail. I knew it was more than talking. He promised he will never repeat it. Then we moved to USA from our home country. He promised he will rebuild. But recently found out that he never stopped talking to the AP. He used to go to our home country every 4 months to have honeymoon with her by claiming he is going to meet his mom. The AP is a massage lady who used to work in spa and he had went for massage in 2022 when I was in my maternal place for few months. She is a divorcee with 2 twenty years old kids. He gave her a huge amount of money. Set up her own spa business. Sponsoring AP's daughter's higher studies, took a loan for a house she wanted to purchase and claiming that she would have paid the EMIs. Whileas he gave a huge down payment for this too.

This is a 2nd time betrayal. He was very cruel to me these few years. 5 years affair. So many big things he did for AP.

When I caught him, he is remorseful and want his family back. Want to be a better person and love me the way I want. He is a small narcissist and excessive avoidant. He says he was poisoned for me by his mother and we didn't solve the issues and he had resentment baggage. His ego kept him talking to me about our marital issues. He wanted to help the lady to pull her out of her problems and poverty and strayed.

Please suggest me. I am not able to figure out whether to stay or leave. I am devastated.
Please give me long replies. Badly needing it.

[This message edited by Liveandletotherslive at 4:03 AM, Monday, June 1st]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Do you know what you want?

He says he wants to stay. You can't believe anything he says, so what is he doing to show you he wants to stay?

Tell him the minute he gives you all the money he spent on her will be when you think about possibly, maybe, almost giving him another chance. I cannot write here what I really think of him. He probably lies every time he opens his mouth. Why would you EVER want him again?

@sisoon

He is listening patiently when I cry, shout and show pain. Even for 2 hours.

Earlier he used to say, he takes 90% accountability of the affair and 10% is on me. But now he says 100% is on him.

He is being transparent. Opened his phones, gave password of his bank accounts.

Where can I find what the things the WS should do.

[This message edited by Liveandletotherslive at 4:31 AM, Monday, June 1st]

@cooley2here

I think I still love him. I think about my baby. My baby loves her father like crazy. Maybe I don't have the courage to leave.

I know he won't but I have a fear that he might marry the AP and I can't stand it.

Plus I am in a raw trauma stage now. Close to finish 2nd month of D day. Maybe things will be clear in my mind after I am healed.

Can I talk to you privately. I don't see an option to send personal message.

[This message edited by Liveandletotherslive at 5:16 AM, Monday, June 1st]

Read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It will give you some great info on the reconciliation process.

Also the Healing Library here at SI can provide you with some great advice.

There are some great articles focused on healing yourself after learning of the affair.

I hope this helps you.

Can I talk to you privately. I don't see an option to send personal message

You need 50 messages to send private messages, I suppose some anti bot spam measure.

Live, look, I don’t intend to be blunt but I know that you are navigating in the middle of a storm, your trauma, and you can’t see things clearly now, you’re are just trying to catch a breath to survive the next wave trying to drown you, so is not the time for clarity, is normal.

- He is not remorseful. That is shame, not remorse.

- He is not understanding. He is "patient " and that’s a coping mechanism to shutdown your pain so he can’t feel ashamed about your pain/ suffer consequences of losing his livelihood.

He has zero problems in destroying your life, but that’s a thing that is your problem, an annoying little issue that threatens to impact his lifestyle if you were to leave. The coping mechanism is: calm and reassure you enough that you are still safely in the place he left you while he was sleeping with another woman.

Once he is sure you are "fixed enough " to be calmed and co-depending so you don’t leave, he can finally get back to the other woman, just need to be a bit more careful so you don’t become an annoying problem again. Some more gaslighting and blame shifting should do the trick (in his mind).

In short he caused the instability, but he is uncomfortable in living with it.
What you see is not remorse, it’s mitigation.

About you:

The all is right here.
What do You want?

You need to ask yourself this because it’s the only thing that matters.

And is not a shallow question either.
The true meaning of the question, it’s elegance, is in the deepest sense and need of what you want.
Not about outcomes, is about needs. And needs do need boundaries.

Your "I think I still love him " I want to stay and reconcile " are emotions, they are real, but they are outcomes, not needs.

They stem from needs, but outcomes are beyond your control, you have to let go of them.
You can only what inside your self, understand your need and protect them with iron boundaries. That is about all you have true control over.

And that makes you stronger, strong in a sense you would not believe. Most people don’t, until they get there.

But is true, and is "felt", do you know the kind of people that are "magnetic "? It’s that. They have great respect for their boundaries and they don’t allow anyone to violate them.

Unapologetically, for you need no apologies to exist, live and love yourself as you are.

When you can let go of the outcome you paradoxically get exactly the outcomes you wished for, because you can respect yourself and people will mirror what you feel about yourself.

Is very early hence you might not yet understand the above fully. What it all means is you must center your focus into healing your self first.

What you experienced is sexual and emotional abuse from the person who was the closest to your existence. That’s one of the deepest traumas a human being can go through in life.

Is not your fault and there’s nothing you could have done to prevent it.
But you can heal yourself and become stronger, enough that you will never allow anyone to hurt you again in this way.

The BS must heal the BS.

Whatever outcome is there in your future is irrelevant. There is nothing to salvage, he ended your relationship in the foulest and most abusive manner possible. What you have is not a bond, it’s a lie. His lie.

The trauma response is to double down on his lie with the desperate hope it will turn out not to be like it sadly is.
But you know what is the truth.
This is the dissonance that is tearing you apart.

You deserve better.

Forget the outcomes, focus on you, your healing now, don’t look or hope he will be of any help, he is not in that place yet, wether he will ever be is another matter and is just irrelevant now (the WS must heal the WS before anything can be built).

You only matter now.

I know is confusing now, but you will slowly reach clarity. Start from the first and easiest step.
Look inside, listen to what that girl needs, she deserves to be heard.

The rest will follow.

You have been heard

I am so sorry this is happening to you. As The1stWife pointed out, there are articles in the Healing Library that can help you. A good one for you is this one on the 180: https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/. Read the embedded link in there too. I think if you do this, it can help you clear your mind so that you can think a little more rationally.

Here are a few things I think you need to do right now:

1) get tested for STDs. Have him get tested too. Make him show you the results, not tell you. You have no idea how many other ‘massage’ clients she has.

2) get a hold of your child’s passport and put it somewhere he can’t get it.

I think you should also talk to a lawyer about what your rights are. Not just about what would happen if you (or he) decided to divorce, but what things you can do in the meantime to protect your wealth. A "post-nup" agreement? Just having the passwords to his bank accounts doesn’t mean he can’t drain them.

You should also talk to a lawyer in your home country. Like, he took a loan out on that house and made a huge down payment - I’d ask the local lawyer if that house is yours or not. It might be titled in her name, I don’t know, but it’s worth asking. You guys might be partial owners of her spa business too. Probably not, they were probably gifts, but it’s worth asking. If the house is yours, you guys should sell it and get that mortgage cleared away.

I think your WH is lying to you still. I’m sorry, I know that’s hard to hear. But here are a few examples:

He wanted to help the lady to pull her out of her problems and poverty and strayed.

No, that is not what happened. SHE wanted to get out of poverty. He wasn’t being some good guy with a heart of gold and just "strayed". He met her at a massage parlor (or possibly a brothel, why do we even believe she was at a legitimate place?) and wanted to have sex with her. He liked the attention she gave him. So she gave him sex and attention, and he gave her money and gifts. There’s a name for that kind of relationship. Maybe the nicest thing to call him is a Sugar Daddy.

He says he was poisoned for me by his mother and we didn't solve the issues

He treated you like crap for 9 out of the 12 years you were married, including basically having another family in your home country, and he’s blaming his mommy? I’ve seen a lot of excuses for cheating, but that might be the most pathetic.

Please do keep posting here, and read the Healing Library. The first time you caught him, you guys did what is called a "rug-sweep" - as in, if there was dirt on the floor, and instead of washing the floor you just lifted up the corner of the rug and brushed the dirt under it. The floor’s still dirty, but you’re just acting like it’s not there. If you are going to stay with him, the people here can help you do it the right way.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 12:21 PM, Monday, June 1st]

I sent you a private message.

@Letmebefrank and others
Thank you very much for your insights. It means a lot to me.
When I caught him first time, I was not at all knowing what to do, what should be the next steps. I didn't even tell my family. I just told my sister.

What should be my approach if I decide to stay. What is a post nup and what is a no contract letter to AP?
Also, our life is shattered, what is the punishment of AP? She is happily vacationing. Also, what is my husband's punishment and how will he feel what I am going through. Why should I only suffer when it's not my mistake at all.

How should I know if he is remorseful. We tried a counsellor but I didn't like it as she started talking about reconciliation and I have not decided this yet and not at all ready for it.

@BackfromtheStorm
Thank you very much for your generous reply.

How should I know if he is truly remorseful.
What are the other boundaries I should have.
Where is the SI. I can't find it.

I’m sorry that you are dealing with multiple betrayals from your husband. Not only emotional and physical infidelity, but also financial infidelity. And I agree that his excuse of his mother is laughable. He made thousands of decisions in maintaining his other secret life…… let us guess….. he doesn’t know what to do now…. for you and his child?

Do not tell him about this site, this is your safe space.
Require STD testing and results for both of you.
Get into individual counseling for yourself-not marriage or couples. The marriage didn’t cheat. He did.
He needs to find his own counselor as well.
See a divorce attorney or 3. Knowledge is power. Fully understand your rights. They have obviously seen these situations. Do not be embarrassed. It doesn’t mean you are divorcing-just fact finding.
Read the healing library on this site.
Also read the pinned posts in Just Found Out (JFO) and the Wandering Spouse (WS) page.

Again, he needs to be doing the research, YouTube, reading, therapy and figuring out the REAL reason he betrayed you and your child so horribly. Do not do the work for him. Focus on you!

A "post-nup" is a contract that you and your WH sign that effectively pre-agrees the terms of divorce, if that were to happen. You’d agree today on how to divide your assets and liabilities if you split up. The main thing for you is to ensure that any debts he incurred on behalf of his AP or her kids are his alone. They’re not always enforceable so you need to take legal advice on it.

A no contact letter is a letter your WH sends to his AP. It’s very simple. He says something like "AP, our relationship was wrong and I’m going to focus all my energy on repairing my marriage. Never contact me again directly or through others. WH." You watch him write it and send it, or you send it yourself so he can’t change the wording. No "what we had was special" or "I’ll always care about it you" or "if only we’d met sooner" kind of crap.

Punishment…not much you can do honestly. The AP didn’t break any vows to you, your WH did. I gave you one suggestion earlier, which is to try to sell that house your WH bought. You might not be able to though. I’m sure AP didn’t report all the money he gave her. Maybe you could inform the local taxing authority. If your WH is serious he could provide evidence and testimony. But I wouldn’t expect much to come of it. Your focus should be on your own healing and not on her. At the end of the day, she’ll have to live with herself. She basically prostituted herself while destroying a family with a small child. Her punishment is being that person.

Don’t do it alone this time. Get support from your sister and family, and whichever friends make sense to involve.

I believe you don’t have the full truth yet. Ask your WH to create a written timeline of the affair. After which he can take a polygraph to demonstrate that there time line was honest.