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How do I focus on and stay in the present? I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the past, but I’m just so stuck muddling through yesterday and the day before, instead of welcoming today and being optimistic about tomorrow. Everyday I wake up and I tell myself what a shit H I have, what a shit father he is, that he’s a liar, a cheater and not worthy of anything good. However, these things aren’t true as of today, he is the exact opposite person of his past self and he does deserve good … yet, I can’t seem to shake this past image that is imbedded in my head of him. It’s so much easier thinking and feeling negatively about someone. Seriously, hating someone comes so effortlessly … trying to make an ounce of effort to reconnect and love after betrayal seems like nothing but an uphill battle.

I think this means you don’t believe he loves you.

Talk to him.

Formerpeopleperson

Prior to Dday I very much believed he stopped loving me and didn’t care about me/his kids …I know I felt this way about him. I thought that he liked "looking" the part of hardworking husband and devoted father, but didn’t like "playing" the part (unless in the company of his family). However, he made it abundantly clear after Dday that he never stopped loving me and that I’ve been the only person "worth" anything to him. He never ever wanted to leave the M, he wanted us to be happy, and so desperately wanted to be loved and wanted by me (nobody else). Yet, he made the choice to risk jeopardizing all of that because he didn’t posses the emotional maturity to communicate his feelings to me and to be vulnerable. Ever since, he has opened up immensely and shares every feeling he has and is the most vulnerable guy I’ve ever met. I’m just having a hard time letting go of his past image and accepting the present for what it is now.

Eckhardt Tolle wrote a book called "the power of now". It’s not a straightforward read, I read quickly but I had to read a few pages and put it down and practice and come back to it. It probably took 6 months for me to get through all of it. But it did help me mold my thinking, stop ruminations, observe trash thinking, becoming too identified with a narrative. It changed my life. Thought it took hard work and time.

However, I do not think I developed ptsd or anything that would require professional guidance in that way after my husband cheated.

Some have said EMDR therapy helped.

Draw a line.

On this side of the line is the man you believe he is now. Would you like to be married to this man?

On the other side of the line is that other man, a different man, just somebody you used to know.

Heartbroken your world was blown up crashed and destroyed. Everything you believed in has vanished.
The person you trusted and believed in most suddenly is the vile person that has caused such pain and heartache.
Please check out Dr Kathy Nickerson
She is an expert on infidelity and betrayal
Check out her web site
Your husband sounds like conflict avoidance and an inability in expressing his feelings in honest communication
He obviously has been compartmentalizing his two worlds
Good husband, father and man as compared to a
Sleazy liar that ignores his wife and children in favor of illicit sex to feed his low self esteem and ego
Finally he needs to do a deep analysis of why he did this

hikingout

Thank you. I will add this book to my list. Sounds like it could be beneficial. I don’t believe I’m suffering PTSD from my H betrayal, I believe because I was so numb and checked out of the M upon discovery nothing really phased me like it probably should have.

I’m not currently in IC because I didn’t feel like I clicked with her … I’ve been looking again. I will look to see if I can find someone who is trained in EMDR.

Formerpeopleperson

Oh, he definitely is someone I would love to be married too now. However, the load of his betrayal is a heavy weight that I’m trying to shed piece by piece as I heal and he heals himself. I’m still a very long way from forgiveness.

Smarternow

Thank you for the recommendation- I do follow Dr. Kathy already. You’ve described someone who my H USED to be. It’s been 16 months since Dday and he’s done a near complete 180 in several ways (some he’s still working on) and I’m actually "impressed" with all of the hard things he’s had to do to get to where he is now (I would never of thought he was capable - I guess he’s proved me wrong). He has delved into his whys and I believe I have a clear picture of the timeline of the A and why he made the choice he did. In regards to the true nature of my question … I want to know what I can do to help myself focus on the present day and to enjoy today instead of dwelling on the past (I’m guilty for dwelling on pre-A things). Let’s just say, I have a hard time letting go of pretty much anything bad or negative.

The man you want to be married to now is not the man who betrayed you, and is not a man who would betray you. It was that other guy who betrayed you.

You have to believe that. You can’t look at this man and think he is that man.

There’s no guarantee that any man won’t betray you. Not any man on earth. Not that man you had married some time ago, or this new guy. But you always go into it believing they won’t, and that’s what you have to do now.

I struggled with the sane issue.

Every day for years I had to remind myself "he’s not that guy".

It’s hard to focus on what is in front of you rather than the past. But it takes a mindset to consciously stop yourself from living in the past.

Are there things that trigger you? I found once my triggers were lessening the better I felt. And that led to a stronger feeling that I could escape the past.

I hope this helps you.

Formerpeopleperson

I understand what you’re saying and I’m trying very hard to believe that to be true. While he may not be the same person he was during the time of his A, it’s still hard to wrap my head around the fact he changed into such a monster in the first place. I always thought (still do sometimes) how much easier it would be to start my life over with someone new… however, if this whole "situation" has taught me anything is that there are zero guarantees in life. I believe my H is worth the risk, but I hate the fact I have to now "look" at things with a risk taking factor.

The1stWife

It’s so hard. I always used to tell myself pre-A that I was "lucky" to have found a "non-cheater" … "he isn’t like those other guys." I very much believed that and now I’m very "nothing can surprise me anymore" … "so you are like those other guys, awesome."

In ways I think my mindset is programmed to hone in on negative. I have always done this and do this in any relationship (friends, family). It’s like I fixate on being "wronged" and instead of offering forgiveness I just hold onto that anger like a security blanket.

I’m sure there are things that trigger me, but I don’t know if I can pinpoint exactly what they are. It’s like they aren’t noticeably visible, but they are present … yet, I don’t know if I can confidently identify them. I’m trying to find a good fit for IC and I think once I do that will help.

Heartbroken,

I hear you. I measure every word that comes out of his mouth. Comparing it with his past actions. Pain shopping I guess. It's really, really hard to pull myself to the present. For me it's more about resentment. My story is very different from yours but betrayal/deceit/disrespect hurt no matter how it goes down.

I'm working on controlling what comes out of my mouth. Every now and then I will throw out a barb and I can see him deflate. I feel bad when I do this because he is working so hard to be a better man. His transformation has been unbelievable. I don't want to undo the progress we've made.

At this point I'm praying that time and continued/consistent change by H will lessen the intrusive thoughts. Like you, H is now the man I had hoped for from the beginning. 40 frickin yrs later but who's counting? (ah there's that resentment). It takes great effort each day to appreciate the changes in him and our marriage. So when the cheating song comes on the radio or the movie takes a dark turn, whatever the trigger is (could just be him breathing :)), I intentionally distract myself til my anger/resentment/grief passes. And it does. Seems to work better with time.

I'm sorry you are heartbroken. You are so young. I hope that one day you are able to work through this mess. It sounds like your H is doing the work. Best wishes for a healed M.

Trumansworld

Resentment is the root of all evil. This is something I too possess and o just can’t shake it. I have this sense of entitlement to it, however, holding onto it like I do isn’t doing me any favours.

Your right - betrayal is betrayal no matter the depth … it all stings like none other.

Snarky remarks has been something I’ve always resorted too. I know I can hurt with my words, so I use that to my "advantage" when I want him to feel me pain (it’s not right, I know … sometimes I’m better at controlling it than other times). I do it on purpose to derail "progress" … I don’t know why - maybe to keep me safe?

I agree! It sure takes a lot of effort and patience to appreciate the good these guys have to offer after the fact. Not sure about your H, but mine does a lot of things so effortlessly now … yet, before most of it was on me (who knew how dire consequences could have such a profound effect) 😀

That’s where I think I have such a hard time … technically I’m "young" enough to be able to meet someone and start over again (marriage, kids, etc). But my H is showing me he’s worth that risk, that "last" chance … I’m riding the waves right now. I wish you continued success on your healing ❤️‍🩹

HBW...don't forget the term "grief". You do have to grieve what happened to you and I wonder if you are getting that emotion mixed up with some others possibly. Allow yourself to grieve. Healing takes time. Be blessed.