SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife had an affair about 6 months ago. She said it was over, and we've been in a weird limbo ever since. She was initially incredibly remorseful, then started turning it on me, saying she's been unhappy in our marriage for years and wants to separate. Yet when I try to move things forward she deflects, gets upset or otherwise stalls things. She also breadcrumbs, making me feel like there's still some hope there. This has been going on for 6 months now.

She's recently been away on a 2 week holiday and I found out she was there with another man (not the original AP - another guy) for at least part of the time. I don't want to reveal to her how I know as she will just turn it around on me and say I'm invading her privacy or something. But I also feel like I can't just keep quiet and let her get away with it.

It has at least given me determination to move things to Divorce now, but in the meantime it's mentally killing me knowing she's living in our house, with our daughter, pretending everything's fine, reassuring me there's nothing going on, all while she's been with another guy!

Any advice welcomed!! Thank you!

[This message edited by Gobbledegook123 at 10:48 PM, Saturday, February 8th]

Read "Women’s Infidelity: Living in Limbo" by Michele Langley.

You’ll get a better idea what you’re up against.

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some posts pinned to the top that we encourage new members to read. There are also some with bull's eye icons that have some great information. The Healing Library is also full of information, and includes the list of acronyms we use.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. If you're having trouble with depression, anxiety or sleeping, you may wish to ask your doctor for some meds. They can be helpful in the so, so painful beginning of this. Also, you may wish to be tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases out there. Please don't have sex with your WW (wayward wife) until she is tested and shows you the results.

Don't try to make sense of what she's doing because it doesn't make sense at all. It will make you crazy. There isn't a way to understand it. It's common for cheaters to rewrite marital history and blame the BS (betrayed spouse). It isn't anything you did or didn't do, say or didn't say. She has made some crappy decisions and the A (affair) is all on her. She had a lot of other decisions she could have made, like talking to you, asking for MC (marriage counseling), asking you to help with whatever, D (divorce) - all without cheating.

There have been some members who remained quiet about it, then served papers and walked out the door. Be sure to check with a lawyer first, as you don't want to "abandon" your daughter or the marital home. Some lawyers have free initial consultations...and if you see them, she can't use them due to conflict of interest issues. So, the more you see narrows her pool of attorneys to use.

Sorry you're here.

My XWH also carried on during our separation when he was "thinking". Yeah….

The upside, as it were, is that you now know she has no intention of changing and her remorse has been just words, not actions.
This is a shitty gift, but a gift nonetheless.. Now you know. Now you can move forward knowing you did all you could, but it takes two to reconcile.

Focus on you and your kids.
See a lawyer (or three) right away and don’t tell her. Right now you can educate yourself on what D will look like and get your ducks in a row.
As for confronting her - I guess think about the long game. Will it make her mad and then she’ll be nasty in a D? Or will it get her to cooperate with you on a reasonable and fair D? I know I would confront, but I have no poker face and would not be able to hold it in… but that may not be the best idea.

Please get STI/STD tested and don’t have unprotected sex with her. She’s not safe.
On advise of your lawyer, start separating finances and credit cards. Do not leave the home without the lawyer approving - it can be seen as abandoning your kids.

Take care of yourself. This sucks, but you can help yourself by eating healthfully, getting daily exercise, getting enough sleep, avoiding alcohol//drugs and drinking lots of water. The stress of all this harms your body and your mind. Be good to you.

Are you in IC? Do you have anyone IRL you can talk with? It can really help.