SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After my WH affair I chose not to tell anyone but a few close friends. This was my choice. I did not want my family finding out as they would not be accepting of my choice to stay in a marriage that has infidelity.
I think because of this I feel like a true fraud sometimes, pretending to be in this happy marriage when it is now clearly fucked and can never be seen as a true marriage again.

Also after the A I really pulled away from my WH family. His sister is a user and I have nothing in common with her at all. She would also abuse me at Christmas time if I dare not make plans to suit her and her children, even though I was the only one out of their whole family who would organise anything for birthdays, christmas etc. This had been happening for years but when she did it to me again the year of the affair (3 months after D-Day) I just couldn't take it anymore and told her to stop abusing me and that I just didn't care anymore. I told WH he could do what he wants with his family and I would be civil but don't expect me to organise anything for them ever again. And I stuck to this except for his Mums birthday (I organised a lunch for all to attend) and guess what - we have done nothing else except for this last Christmas where we went to lunch at his sister's house. His Mum is as bad as his sister and his brothers are all emotionless and self centered, pretty much just like my WH (even though he really is working on changing that). I don't really see any of them (5 in total) anymore and my life is a lot easier.

But just this week his Nan has passed away, she lived another state. It is a very sad time as she was a wonderful woman and will be missed dearly. My WH has been crying a lot and opening up about his feelings of sadness which is the new him since the A. I obviously have no issues supporting him through this BUT when he asked if I would be travelling for the funeral I declined, stating that the kids have school, its too expensive etc etc. But the truth is, I just don't want to. I don't want to be with his immediate and extended family pretending to be this strong married couple when that is not how I truly feel. I still have moments of doubt about our marriage lasting and as I said earlier I feel like a total fraud. I don't feel like I can talk to him about this either as I want him to grieve the beautiful lady he has lost.

So I am writing to you guys as I hope you understand and to get these mixed emotions out. It makes me sad though as these thoughts make me realise how very far we still have to go if we are to make it through this shit storm of infidelity.

Webbit—I totally get where you’re coming from. 2 months after DDay my WH’s mom died very suddenly, alone in her apartment in another state. We also had not told any family members what we were going through so had to play the parts of strong married couple. He is the only surviving child so had to do everything with funeral arrangements, etc. We took off to her place to sort through her stuff and get everything organized—all while grieving her and trying to deal with our fractured relationship. He was overcome with grief for losing her so suddenly which I totally understood, but it eclipsed any ability to support me in my devastation over our situation. That, coupled with my sadness over losing her as well, caused me to really spiral with worse crying spells and anger since he wasn’t able to be there for me in my pain; I had to be the one supporting him through this and it all felt so overwhelming. It was a huge mess of emotions on both our parts that lasted several weeks. That happened 12/27 so we have had a little over a month since then to process and start to heal again—things have improved a lot in that short time and we are in a better place now but it was not pretty going through that. None of this is easy but it helps to know we’re not alone, I guess. It sounds like your Hs family is pretty toxic so anything you can do to distance yourself from them is a good idea. It’s all just so hard and so exhausting sometimes.

I really get the feeling of being a fraud.

We also chose to hide my wife's affair from our families. In the interest of giving R a real chance we have kept our issues from them. My family also wouldn't be accepting of my choice to stay in the marriage either, and that would add extra stress on this already stressful situation.

However I do feel like a huge fraud. It's tough going to family events and pretending everything is totally fine when it's really not. She broke her wedding vows, and for me that is the most important part of marriage. Who cares what the legal document says. It's the promise that was important to me, and thats gone. I'm not sure where that leaves us, but it's not in the place our facade indicates we are at with our families.

I feel like a fraud in front of our families, and I feel like a fraud within myself. I always said I would leave a cheater, but here I am trying for R. In a way I am compromising my own values to stay in this relationship.

There have been many times I wish we had told them so I can get more support (I have almost none right now - one good friend, IC, and this site), and so that she has some accountability to her family for what she has done.

But here we are...

Webbit- It sucks to feel such conflicting emotions for sure.

However, I think what you said here is very balanced. You are willing to support your husband in his grief but unwilling to ignore your own to put yourself in these spaces. I think that is a masterclass in boundaries personally. I know you feel guilty but you shouldn’t. You are doing the best you can for yourself and for him which shows your dignity and grace.

After some appropriate time has passed I think you should lay out your boundaries clearly, and explain it all to him. That way you won’t feel as conflicted or guilty moving forward. He has free choice and I believe if it means he can stay with you and your family, then he will choose to understand and honor your stance the way you are doing for him now. And if not, he has more work to do.

Webbit

My apologies. My comment has a bit too much venting, and borderline thread jacking. I guess it's still a pretty sore spot for me as well.

I can’t comment on feeling like a fraud because part of MY stipulations is he told everyone in our circle. My mom, dad, his mom, dad, his brother and our circle knows what he did, hell even both our bosses did! Mostly because I had to call off work and his boss worked with her too.

He told most of them. I will say that when his mom found out and she cried like a baby asking him how he could ever… something changed in him and he sobbed, I won’t ever forget that day. That was the day she stepped up and helped us babysit and was more involved in our life to help support our marriage. I’ll never forget calling her and telling her "your son is snorting cocaine and addicted to porn as well and we need an intervention , come over". She was there that day ready to help.

I remember my mom was the LAST person I told. She never has been a fan of him (mostly due to politics and that they are so different ) I was afraid to tell her , afraid she would hate him. the opposite happened, they are EXTREMELY closer. He promised to love me and change to be a better parent to our kids and as angry as my mom was she forgave him and always tells me " yes he messed up but he’s changing and doing the right thing for you now, that should mean something." My dad cheated on my mom and never tried to change. She has a very high respect for my H for how far he’s came , she’s much more forgiving than me.

His bother and him are closer , he holds him accountable but also realized that they had childhood trauma and they bonded over trying overcome it and try communicate their feelings now. My dad was disappointed but obv didn’t hold it against him because my dad was a cheater too and is just happy he’s changing.

So the flip side is this.

It’s also equally hard. I hate knowing we’ve grown so far and so much and as much as I "brag" about how great he is now and how much he’s grown , we will forever be known as the couple that has an affair in their marriage. I try to push it down and tell myself I don’t care what they think but I do. No one judges us outwardly but I’m sure they do internally.

At first it was easy to announce to the world to our friends , family church, etc. now it’s hard. It’s hard because some people I wish we didn’t tell , I wish I could be a "fraud". I wish I could fake this perfect marriage but we can’t and as much as I hate it on the flip side we were "real". We were "messy". We made mistakes and he fucked up a lot bu we are trying, we are learning, we are teaching , and we are just real life imperfect people.

I’m sorry I don’t have advice I can only show you the flip side and I think both comes with its problems and worries but I think if I had it do it again I think I would tell people. Then support so much outweighed the judgement. We leaned a lot about the people that truly loved us and the ones that were "competing" with us. My h also was also held accountable by more than just me. - his parents, his daughter, his therapist, his friends. So many people showed support I was blown away. Only a few people overstepped their boundaries and for that I can say that I’m glad we told people, it’s been a year and it isn’t a subject that’s brought up with the people unless I bring it up , and since my h and I grew and learned to communicate, it isn’t much. I’ve learned to not vent to people.

When I’m being triggered or around his family and I’m upset it’s nice to know I don’t have to explain or hide it. I can show my feelings amd my emotions and I’m so thankful they are si kind. They def didn’t take sides and are really rooting for our marriage.

Trust your gut, do what you think is right, don’t allow people to judge you, everyone has issues, this I have learned a lot of in the last year. We all just want to have that picture perfect marriage. I shared a lot and a lot of people shared with me, humility goes a long way.

I’m not asking you to shout it from the rooftops or to tell your whole family , I’m just sharing how it helped us.

His mom watched our kids during therapy, my mom comes for date nights to baby sit, when he quit his job his parents stopped charging us rent , my boss gave me time off, his old boss forgave him for lying and still recommended him for other jobs.

Idk maybe we got lucky or maybe it’s good karma for trying to help others , be true to ourselves; and be on the right and honest path :) regardless, none of it was easy.

I wish you the best Webbit!

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 5:04 AM, Wednesday, February 5th]

Webbit- I really admire how you haven’t told people. I went crazy and told everyone which I really regret now. At the time I didn’t think we would stay together so didn’t care and aired our dirty laundry and it is now embarrassing for me but also for the children.

Also I think it has negatively changed my family’s opinion of him which again impacts my children as he is still their father.

So I know it is hard but I wish I had done what you had and just told a few friends. I don’t think his family knowing has helped. I don’t talk about the a with people I told but I know it has spread around. I don’t get support but just have to cope with judgements so only having a few people that know that actually care and support you is good. His family will always be his family so I am not sure them knowing it helped unless as Groot says it holds him to account. I get that it must be hard though

[This message edited by Lemonpie at 5:16 PM, Wednesday, February 5th]

Webbit, if true reconciliation something that you're still holding out hope for, then I think you should accompany your husband to his Nan's funeral.

You can minimize your exposure to your WH's family by only attending the wake/funeral itself, avoiding any opportunity to be alone with any of them, and not attending any pre- or post- events, dinners, etc. Your husband can attend those by himself, while you do something on your own.

Being present for your WH both physically and emotionally during this event--particularly since he's opening up to you about his grief and allowing himself to be vulnerable--might actually benefit his growth as a person and your marriage. Further, I think leaving him alone to grieve with nothing but his self-centered family would be very painful and isolating... or worse, create conditions for him to lapse his old coping mechanisms/behavior.

Also, going to the funeral as a couple doesn't mean you're playacting; in fact, being at his side at an important event like this, even though you're privately going through turmoil, is precisely what being in a "real" marriage is all about.

edit;add: Whatever you decide, I think you should discuss your reasons honestly with him. I think just deciding not to go and saying it's because of the kids, costs, logistics, etc, is a missed opportunity to have a constructive conversation about your feelings, boundaries, and needs.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:31 PM, Wednesday, February 5th]

My two cents.

For what it’s worth.

I think you should go to the funeral. Not because you are trying to prove anything but if you are trying to repair your marriage, it is clear he needs your support. And he deserves it.

You go despite the affair and his family dynamics. You go because the deceased deserves it. You go because your spouse deserves it.

You figure out how to manage it all.

I’m sorry I am the opposite of everyone. I know if I were your H and I needed support at a time like this and you didn’t go because of the reasons you stated, I might have deep resentment over it. And it might affect me for a very long time.

Sometimes we have to be the bigger person. I think this might be one of those times.

Bluer and 1stWife - you both have got me thinking that is for sure. Mainly because I just don’t agree even though I think you are both probably right.

Trouble is I don’t think he deserves shit. I’m truly sorry his Nan has passed but I just couldn’t go (plus all flights were actually gone in the end, we live in a small place).

This event in particular has really made me think about what we are doing. In my WH head we are working towards R which I thought we were to but I think in honesty my reality and his are very different.

I’m happy to just live together as what I guess you would consider to be really good friends but I don’t see our marriage ever being more than that now. He had his chance and blew it. When I think about this now I’m confused why I won’t seperate/divorce and maybe I need some more therapy.

Webit-apologies I missed the bit about his nan’s funeral. I feel very similarly to you, stuck with not wanting to divorce but I have zero trust left so what am I doing. I don’t know if you are like me, and someone that is generally happy with the day to day life, have friends a job etc so can cope with that. I think I have accepted that marriage isn’t always this deep romance but is sometimes a contract to have a family and raise them but I empathise that it is hard to be with someone who you know has stabbed you in the back. I think my husband like yours expects this deep reconciliation but for me once bitten twice shy. He asked me if I saw us growing old together and tbh I just don’t know. How do you feel about that?

[This message edited by Lemonpie at 10:10 AM, Sunday, February 9th]

For what its worth, I affirm your approach. Support him privately but one of the ancillary benefits of the in-tact marriage covenant is unified outward facing involvement at events like a funeral which is no longer an understood. Before the betrayal, Im pretty sure your attendance/involvement would have been understood. Now, it is one of the casualties of marital treason. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Life is too short to "fake it til you make it".

I will ask you to consider closely what this means as to the timeline of your healing (dont know how long ago your Dday was). Are you still moving forward or have you stalled somewhat? Do you ever envision yourself healing to the point that you can participate in family events like this or is this the "top of the mark"?

I am less concerned about your attendance at a family function like a funeral, more so about what this indicates concerning your recovery and healing.

Be well.

ETA: Just saw that your Dday was 01/09/23. I think youre doing pretty well atc.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 5:03 PM, Sunday, February 9th]

Lemonpie - you and I are VERY similar. My life is good and that is why I haven’t divorced. I’ve got a good family and grind network, great kids, stable good paying job and enjoy being part of the running community in my local area. I don’t hate my WH (I do love him) but not in the same way I used to. I can see how much he has changed but it’s too bad. He should have done it before. So like you, not sure about my marriage being forever.

Doble - absolutely before his betrayal I would have been there for the funeral and a lot more involved in his immediate family a lot more as that’s who I am - family is very important to me. But as I have never felt that close to any of his family I just don’t care anymore and TBH hope I never have to be involved in his family events other than the traditional events like Christmas or Mother’s Day etc . I think it became evident to WH when our son had his birthday last year and I organised his party and then a dinner with my family. He asked me if we were going to do anything with his family and I said ‘did you organise anything?, then no I guess we’re not’.

He asked me if we were going to do anything with his family and I said ‘did you organise anything?, then no I guess we’re not’.

And there it is. The terrible calculus of marriage post treason.

I think its noteworthy that so many times, the future betrayed thinks that the marriage is at least good, right up to Dday. The traitor diminishes the value and state of the marriage in order to facilitate the affair.

Post Dday, the roles reverse completely so many times (assuming R is attempted). The WS is desperate to restore what they destroyed and think that the marriage is in far better shape than it truly is (at least in the BS's assessment). The BS knows what the state the marriage truly is. Put another way, when the WS seeks special consideration of the BS, they find that the surplus of good will that used to exist is no longer there. That special considerations put the the pool of good will in arrears. This new reality generally takes years of hard hard work to rebalance.

That said, I understand your sentiment. Honestly, this reality existed in my first marriage far beyond the oft-quoted 3-5 years needed to heal.