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I think I am the person that will eventually forgive my H, more for the sake of myself than him but there are aspects that I know I will never forgive, things he did that I will not forgive him for. The act itself, probably but the damage he caused myself and the kids probably not.

Example of what I am REALLY struggling with currently.

During the course of my H affair, we had really awful neighbors, neighbors that threatened to harm my 11 year old daughter, they would throw things at our house, and were downright toxic etc. I remember calling my H one day because they were threatening my daughter, I didn't know it then but he was with HER. He tried to get out of coming home, basically told me I was overreacting while I was crying, blah, blah. He finally came home but was angry at me, sat on the opposite side of the couch and had the audacity of blaming our then 9 year old... (the mom and 17 year old daughter were the ones making the threat). Fast forward to after his A was in the open, he really started to see the things they were doing and finally called the cops several times and the neighbors moved.

We unfortunately had new neighbors that moved in to the same house that are nice but play their music so loud you can hear it on the entire street, it thumps through the walls and in our home until 11pm at night. We have asked them nicely to stop and they always say they will and they don't.

Last night we were supposed to watch football and when my H came home he was incredibly distraught about the noise, he was SO MAD that he wouldn't even eat dinner. I had to beg him to not go over there and say anything bc the PTSD came back to me about the prior neighbors and I cant deal with that. I work from home and I remember the hell we went through, while he doesn't because HE DIDN'T care. I slammed the door to the bedroom because I was so mad that music upset him, that the fact they were disrespecting him bothered him but the entire summer of 2023 we couldn't go out front because my H told us "you have a backyard just avoid them."

I finally told my H last night how I felt and that every time he complains about the current neighbors I just see red, that I can't separate it. I am so upset that he let us go through hell because he was too busy deep in his A to care about our safety. He explained to me that it brings up the same feelings for him and he feels so bad that he is trying to advocate for us now because he can't fix what he did back in 2023. It hit hard because he is right, he does care about the kids and them sleeping without all the chaos and noise but mannnn I just can't let it go. I know this summer will be worse because their windows will be open and each time he gets upset, I don't want to dwell in the past but I don't see it changing anytime soon, I literally feel sick each time he gets upset.

Has anyone dealt with anything similar? How did you reframe it? I am struggling hard feeling like he didn't protect us and now he is trying to care and it's making me more mad.

Side note, I had to step away from therapy for a while for financial reasons and time restraints due to my daughters therapy and our sons needs now. -

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 4:58 PM, Monday, January 20th]

I understand exactly how you feel as both a betrayed spouse but also as someone who had a H who didn’t care.

And those similar circumstances are hard to forget.

The one I struggled with is minor compared to your situation. It was my H sitting in his car on his phone. I assumed it was a business call (as it was in the past).

After dday2 I realized it was the OW on the phone.

I still have slight reactions to it (even if my kids do it) but I can control it. Now my H doesn’t do it anymore. But it’s just a gut reaction I had to overcome.

In your case, you just finally found out the whole truth a few days ago. Your healing process is fairly new. It takes time to get over those feelings and reactions to situations. I never resolved the whole jazz music issue and my H knows not to ever play it if I’m around. But if I am in public it’s ok. I can deal.

It will take you some time not to deal with the neighbor instant reaction. However that does not resolve the issue of the loud music and your H’s reaction.

That’s a conversation that needs to happen in a calm rational moment. Explain you both need to let go of the past and focus on the best way to handle the current situation.

Tell him you understand he wants to do better this time around but your fears of stirring the pot and having things escalate w/ the inconsiderate neighbors are your #1 concern.

Post affair he did stand up for you. That has to be what makes you feel better about your situation. If he continued to do nothing, 🚩. But he’s not ignoring this current situation.

I hope this helps you see that some things have changed for the better and please know acceptance is one thing, but forgiveness is completely different and took me years.

I get it. My H abandoned me emotionally during my first pregnancy, and barely came to the hospital after our DD was born. She was early and tiny, and I had preeclampsia and a C-section. When he picked us up and took us home a week after she was born, my house was full of strangers who'd been there for days while he partied away his paternity leave. And they were smoking. In my house. Where I hadn't allowed smoking for months in preparation for the new baby. Something in me died that day.

Also, a couple of months before that, he turned his head to look at a gaggle of girls while we were driving by a night club. It felt like an intentional dig at me.

My second pregnancy was very different and he was supportive and in awe of my body and what it could do, but it doesn't undo the trauma of the abandonment of the first one.

Every time he says anything about how beautiful pregnant women are, I want to throat punch him. Even now, 36 years later. The last time it happened was our anniversary, as we were walking through the mall, having a great day. I told him to just STFU from now on. I don't want to hear it.

Maybe someone else has more productive advice for how to get over the hurt. Or maybe it's just part of an imperfect life that there will always be triggers. Regardless, hugs.

I D’d, so keep that in mind.

But during his A, our roof leaked and water was pouring out of the circuit breaker box in our bedroom walk-in closet. I discovered it one Friday morning before work and we both spent the morning on the roof fixing the issue. I was TERRIFIED.

Once done, he took off to visit his employer’s site 2+hour always for a "critical" meeting with his boss and a company dinner where they would be drinking. B/C he had had a DUI, whenever he drank I encouraged he stay overnight.

So he went off to be with his AP while I spend the WHOLE NIGHT during a rain storm terrified that the leak would recur and electrocute me.

I have let go of most his transgressions, but that one still gets me. I was so scared. I mean- what the actual hell.

So no help - but just letting you know that some of the thousands of things they did hurt worse than others.