SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WH has been having an affair for years… In Sept he told me he wants a divorce but he hasn’t moved out … Finances are an issue- but why won’t he just go stay with a friend or move in with the whore? She is single…

I even packed him a suitcase and offered to drop him off at her house and I was serious.. I just want him out…

Friend – in the kindest of words.
You have already given us the answer to most of the questions you are asking us:

He has tried to control me my whole marriage and now he wants to control the divorce

You shared that you have filed a domestic abuse charge on him.
Have you followed our earlier advice and prepared for divorce? Do you have your attorney ready and have you started the process?
One think you can do is ask the court to give you residence during the process. Basically forcing him to move out.

Hi!

I have contacted an attorney - I am waiting to hear back for a consultation…. I particularly want this lawyer based off a friends advice..

Do to my husbands business , the nature of his personality ((narcissistic)) I feel like I need a very tough lawyer…

Now I am just waiting to hear back so I can get legal advice…

You're entering a new world. Your friend may strongly recommend this lawyer, but you are different from your friend. If this attorney is not really what you want, it's OK to consider - consult with - someone else.

A recommendation is a place for beginning, not necessarily a place for ending.

I would also suggest that his lawyer is telling him not to leave the house.

Update-

I made him leave the house today.. I have been in tears all day.. I didn’t want this.. I wanted my marriage of 30 years..

He refuses to stop the affair and sees no wrong in his actions and I have finally had enough..

So why do I feel so sad??!!!!!!

I'm sorry you are going through this. You didn't want to find yourself in this place, and the sadness is normal. I don't think there is any (healthy) way around the emotions. You have to feel them and go through them.

My DD#2 was three weeks ago today, just ahead of our 24th wedding anniversary, and I immediately told my husband to leave (and he did). The sadness is not intense but constant, and I have to remind myself that I'm sad for the loss of who I thought he was, the relationship I thought we had, and the future I expected we'd enjoy. Those things may have been real at one time, but they're not real today, and while that doesn't make the hurt any less, it helps me keep fact straight from fiction. I'm grieving for a fantasy.

A friend shared a wonderful quote that has helped me remember that the emotions I feel today won't last forever. "Every storm runs out of rain." (Maya Angelou)

Be gentle with yourself. It's not even been a day since this huge turning point in your marriage and your life. The sadness will ease, and you may even find new lightness and joy with your husband out of the house.

I'm sad for the loss of who I thought he was, the relationship I thought we had, and the future I expected we'd enjoy. Those things may have been real at one time, but they're not real today

This was it for me, too. I'd so badly wanted to make it to our 50th anniversary.

But as I was processing through the emotions, I realized how crappy he had been treating me for at least the past 10 years. For me, the reality of my future was that he'd continue to be his miserable self. (He has narcissistic personality disorder.)

In IC, my therapist & I did The Grief Recovery Handbook and used the M & D as the focus for the exercises. It really helped me to process the grief.

Let yourself be sad and feel the feels and take care of yourself. Please recognize that you don't have to stay in a place of grief forever.

It's completely normal to be sad and mad . And mad and sad .

Your life is not how you thought it was going to go.

For me as time goes on, I feel lighter and more hopeful for my future without him in it. At the time I didn't realise how toxic things actually were.

Right now I'm planning and having my bedroom redecorated. A painter is coming next week, I have ordered new carpet and window blinds. I'm looking online at new bedroom sets to see what I like. I'm washing the walls and skirting boards with sugar soap, cleaning the windows - all the while visualising the removal of his energy from my space.

It’s totally normal to feel the way you feel. It’s like you’ve been holding so much in and now you can let it out. So feel all the feels.
And then re-arrange the furniture, pick up a few new toss pillows, cook your favorite food that he hated. It is going to feel weird and sad for a bit. But you may also start to realize that what feels like emptiness right now is actually lack of tension. Lack of eggshells to walk on. Lack of tiptoeing around his moods and wants and needs. And over time you will realize it actually feels like peace. You just haven’t felt that for so long that you don’t recognize it.

Take care of yourself. Work with your lawyer to make sure you get everything you are entitled to. Keep an eye on finances. And breathe deeply. You are going to be okay.