SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Long story and first time here. Just needing to talk and not be in my head. I (32m) met my wife in college and was smitten. Like she was the type of girl that I’d never thought would give me a second glance. But, she did, and my world was flipped around. We did everything together and even as corny as it sounds, I thought I found my soul mate. She was my rock and best friend. We continued life together, enduring the hardships that came, but always managed to come out the other side just fine. Or so I thought.

After "checking off" our to do lists, getting married, getting a house, having a child, I thought we were in a great place. I thought we would be that one family that was strong, and genuinely happy to be together. Having our child was the best feeling I have had. My wife was the same, so happy to see what we created together. But she did struggle afterwards with some form of PPD. I thought I was there for her and I tried to take the burden of the hard nights from having a newborn off her.

All of this, to find out she has been unhappy for the past few years, without communicating to me, because she didn’t even know. She only found out how unhappy she was because of new person in her life. A person that she felt genuinely happy to talk to. A person she met doing something we both enjoyed doing together.

I have never been controlling and telling her who she can and can’t talk too, but I just had a gut feeling to snoop. I found the messages from him to be overly flirty and didn’t like the way he talked to her. I confronted her about this back in March and she genuinely felt ashamed and was upset. I wasn’t mad at her, but she felt like she did something wrong and apologized and said she would stop. I believed her, and she did. For a little bit. I got another one of the gut feelings and saw they continued to message each other. Even talking at one point late at night while I was asleep. This felt like a betrayal and I felt lost. Again, apologies were made and she understood how it looked. And this time it did stop. We had our beautiful child and I thought things were looking great. I forgave her for the going behind my back and thought this was in the past. Until 2 weeks ago, I got that stupid gut feeling again. And it was right. They were talking again. She deleted messages that she sent. And she was talking to him about serious things. And also planning a meet up that is happening now. She lied to me about the business trip of how long it was going to be so she could spend time with him. And she wasn’t even going to tell me until she knew what it was. And now wants to see how they will work out together. I was given the I want a separation and divorce talk. I was shocked. I was in disbelief. I couldn’t believe what was happening, nor it would ever happen to me.

I fought. I tried to talk to her. Tried to ask to fight to save this. To go to couples counseling. All of that was to avail. She said I just needs to accept this and start working on myself. She realizes what she is doing, and knows it’s bad, but wants to be able to make her own choices. Not be influenced by others. Which sadly, I understood her for that.

The sad part is, is I still care way too much about her. I want her to be happy, and if I can’t give it to her, she doesn’t deserve to be unhappy with me. I know time heals everything, but my life was torn from me. Things I never wanted our child to experience, will now have too. Having my deepest fear of being cheated on, come to fruition. Having to live in the same house because do not want to be separated from my child, knowing she is talking to him constantly, either texting or having phone calls. I just feel like a shell.

Self reflection is easier to see how things could have been better between the both of us, better communication, etc, but that’s always easier to see when looking in the past.

I have no idea if I’m having the right mentality about this, but our child is the most important thing and I cannot do anything that would cause his future to be in jeopardy. They deserve a relationship with both his Mom and Dad. And if my wife’s truly happy, that would be the best, because in my mind, if she’s happy, she’ll be a better mom. And I hope I’m able to find true happiness. For my child’s sake and mine.

I don’t know what the future holds in store for me. Part of me is angry and just wants to see if there is someone out there meant for me. Who would choose me. Part of me wants to work it out. The small portion still holds onto what we used to be and what we could be. I know these are normal thoughts and emotions but it’s just killing me mentally. I have seen a therapist and that has helped. Again just need to get this out there, for better or worse. I know how I look like, part of me wishes I wasn’t like this, but I can’t help it.

Riku,

First of all, sorry you are here. You are going to get a lot of advice and support from members on here that have been exactly where you are right now and have survived.

Second, a few of questions:
How old is your son and which one of you is the primary caretaker?

Do both of you work? (you stated she's on a business trip right now, so I assume she works, are you also employed?)

Who is the AP/OM? (Affair Partner/Other Man... lots of acronyms are thrown around here, you'll learn)

Is the AP a co-worker (COW) of your WW (Wayward Wife) if not, how did she meet the AP?

Is the AP married or in a long term relationship with someone (referred to as OBS- Other Betrayed Spouse)?

Are both your WW's and your parents (along with any siblings) involved in y'alls lives? (Important if/when you decide to expose your WW's affair.)

Do you have any access to her electronic devices... such as her phone (or at least can you see who and the number of texts/calls/date usage on the phones service provider account,) her computers, tablets, ipads, etc.? (if so start forwarding/saving/taking pictures of everything to document their affair... make sure your evidence is secured in a place that is out of the home or in an secured password protected online account)

Have you started looking for a good reputable family law attorney? If not, do so immediately ASAP... you need legal advice in regards to your particular state if you live in the U.S. You may live in a no-fault state, in which case adultery may not really matter... but if you live in a state that takes into account adultery... oh boy, you need legal advice immediately. How much evidence do you need to prove an affair in a court of law, how much does it affect spousal support, etc.

Others will come along with additional advice... but to fully support you, they'll need some of the above questions answered... don't use names/specific locations... keep it anonymous.

And don't let your WW know that you are on this site... clear your internet history after every visit whether its your phone or your computer.

Good luck, again sorry you're going through this.

Hi Nuke Zombie,

Here are the answers to those questions:

Our son is 7 months old. Prior to this, we were both handling caretaker roles 50/50.

We both work.

Other man is someone she met in a game we played together and isn’t in a long term relationship.

I am not close with my family per se, but am really close to her side of the family.

I do have access at least to her laptop for the time being. She has had her phone on her at all times and possibly changed the passcode. She didn’t text through normal means, she went through a messaging app.

I have not looked at any lawyers mainly due to the fact that we both would want to be amicable. She doesn’t want child support or alimony. 50/50 custody. I do believe her on this and don’t want to make things more unnecessary if possible. There would be a mediator if and when things go that route to make sure everything is done correctly.

If he is in a committed relationship they need to be told asap.

The best therapy in the world is on this site. Give folks a little while and you will have a lot of friends here to help you.

My suggestions always are to look after your health. This kind of trauma will put an enormous amount of stress on you which can wear down your immune system and mental health unless you manage it. If you need something for anxiety and depression talk to your dr. You might also need something for sleep. Don’t try to tough it out. Your body needs rest. If your appetite is poor use something like Ensure to get nutrition. Some of these supplements have even more protein so you do have choices.

Stick around. You have fellow bs(betrayed spouses) here.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:08 PM, Tuesday, December 10th]

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're joining our site. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some with bull's eye icons that are very helpful. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of information.

Couples counseling (CC) won't be helpful right now. Your M (marriage) didn't cheat, your WW (wayward wife) did. I'm glad you're in IC (individual counseling).

Please don't stay just for your child. He will base relationships on what he sees and will mirror his relationship on yours. Would you want him to go through this and stay stuck in a relationship like this?

Life isn't a bunch of rainbows and lollipops. There are some tough times. But, you discuss things with your partner and try to figure out how to navigate through the tough times. She decided to go outside the relationship to do that. She's not wanting to keep your relationship, so I suggest that you talk to at least 1 lawyer to see what your options may be. There are many that will do a free initial consultation. Also, check out your county's family court website for information on divorce to see what's required. For example, our state requires parents of minors to attend a specific class on parenting.

Other man is someone she met in a game we played together and isn’t in a long term relationship.

What’s your source for his relationship status? If it’s him and/or your cheater remember that they’re liars who have no incentive to be honest with you.

It sounds like he lives outside of your area. So how’s custody going to work if your WW wants to ride off into the sunset with asshole prince charming? You need to discuss a custody agreement with a lawyer no matter how much she promises to be amicable. For most cheaters amicable means they get everything they want.

Check out the simplified 180 in the healing library here and implement. Contact her family and thank them for welcoming you but due to her infidelity with (OM’s name) you will be divorcing their daughter. Start making this real for her.

Texas is a one party consent state. I’d seriously recommend you get a voice activated recorder and have it on you anytime you’re together. False DV charges gets you out of the house and behind the legal eight ball when it comes to custody.

I am sorry for you. And your child. You both dear e better.

She met this guy in a gaming g room 🚩🚩🚩🚩

She’s meeting in person 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩(she knows nothing about him Except what he’s told her and who knows if it’s true)

I would not let my baby live with a total stranger you do not know of. But that’s just me.

Also I always say that he cheaters aren’t really "unhappy" until they meet the other man or other woman and they are unable to date them b/c the cheater is married. Cheaters have to justify the affair so they are not the "bad guy" so they make up
Any lie they need to - just to justify the affair.

Keep posting here. You will get great advice.

All of this, to find out she has been unhappy for the past few years, without communicating to me, because she didn’t even know. She only found out how unhappy she was because of new person in her life.

It's called rewriting marital history. Cheaters often do this to justify their poor decisions and avoid the guilt and shame they might otherwise feel from their actions. It's very common. A great many of us here have experienced the same, myself included.

A couple of thoughts to begin with:
With a seven-month baby. Any chance of postpartum depression?
--
Her comments about not needing CS... Keep in mind the difference between CS and alimony. CS is not money for one parent from the other, but money from one parent so that the other can maintain a standard of living for the kids. For example, if you were paying CS despite having the child half the time, then it’s probably her role to pay for clothes, child-care or whatever.
--
OK – Her comments about unhappiness... Total marital rewrite and don’t take mark of them per se. If she was unhappy, then it was of no fault of yours. It’s a lot easier to justify or explain your actions if you can point to something that "made" you do it rather than be accountable for your actions.
--
Sometimes the best thing to do is give them what they ask for. That is – she wants a divorce, so go get one.
I don’t understand when people ask for a divorce, or say they want a divorce. These things don’t come gift-wrapped. They are processes that you DO. You initiate them and follow them through. I suggest you do that – start the process and the inevitable changes it leads to.

I will never advocate making a divorce less amicable than it needs to be. However – divorce isn’t nice or friendly or fun. It’s a bit like a boxing-match where the goal of the opponent is to get the best score within the rules of the game and with the acceptance of the referee. Even a fair fight might leave you with a bloody nose and a black eye. By all means use a mediator if you can, but have your own attorney read through any final suggestion and make it clear to you what concessions you might be making, what risks and what might be missing.
Things you want to be clear about are issues like: Has all debt been accounted for and is it clear that whatever debt she assumes and whatever debt you assume is in all ways legally yours? You don’t want a collections agency knocking at your door in 3 years because of the debt she promised to pay. If you take over the house, has all the correct documentation been signed, all deeds updated, leans dealt with... You don’t want to have to find her to sign some papers maybe 11 years from now when you want to sell and move.

One thing the attorney can help with is the wording of whatever custody arrangement you reach.
IF this ends in divorce then chances are eventually your kids mom finds another man. You should be wishing and hoping with all your heart that this man becomes the best step/foster dad to your kid possible. Not to replace you, but to be there for your kid when you aren’t. Just like you would hope that any woman you form a relationship in the future be to your kid too.
HOWEVER... This OM... you don’t have a clue about him... Only thing you know is he’s in another area (requiring the trip) and he spends time gaming. You would want a custody agreement that keeps the child in your area, and possibly one limiting access of love-interests to the kids presence, or making it conditional to mutual acceptance.

I have not looked at any lawyers mainly due to the fact that we both would want to be amicable.

Ignorance does not lead to amicability, and I guarantee you have a lot to learn about the process of disentangling your lives. You will want to maximally separate your life from hers while maximally preserving your son’s life experience. If that sounds complicated, it is because it is. You are an amateur at this. Get the help of a professional. Seek a lawyer consult. Only upside.

Also, right now she is in control, you are at the end of the whip. That loss of control is brutal. Take back control by seeing a lawyer for a consult. Knowledge is power, and power is control. You can’t control her, but you can identify and take control of as much as you can.

Sending strength!

^^^^^^^^

Please read and then re-read what both Bigger and HouseOfPlane wrote above this. They are both spot on.

A lot of good advice has been given to you already.

You are an amateur at this. Get the help of a professional. Seek a lawyer consult. Only upside.

Also, right now she is in control, you are at the end of the whip. That loss of control is brutal. Take back control by seeing a lawyer for a consult. Knowledge is power, and power is control. You can’t control her, but you can identify and take control of as much as you can.

I have seen many divorces over my lifetime. Some went "reasonably" smooth. Others turned into the War of the Roses over the smallest sh*t.

What you will probably find in a divorce is a side of your spouse which you never knew existed. Didn't you trust her until you found out she was cheating? You now know she can't be relied on and trusted. When you married her you did not know she possessed the "cheating gene" did you? You trusted her to keep her vows and always be true. Now you know she can't be trusted. Please go by her actions... not her words.

Please use an attorney to review everything pertaining to the divorce. One of my brothers relied on the word of his ex-wife and failed to get an attorney. He got royally screwed. Please don't be that guy.

So, if I were you I would get everything in writing from her about assets, child care, visitation rights, etc. Have an attorney review all documents. She doesn't have to know that you are being advised by an attorney. For all you know she could also be using an attorney. Please use qualified legal assistance to guide you through this messy divorce process.

I could be wrong, but I get the impression from your post that you are a "nice guy" and that you avoid confrontation whenever possible, even if it goes against you and what you want and need. I would suggest you get a copy of Dr. Robert Glover's book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy". I think you could benefit from reading this book.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 2:27 PM, Thursday, December 12th]

Buddy your flowery disposition is cute but honestly you need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" because hope and flowers will get you taken to the cleaners if your wife decides to hire a lawyer and be a shark.

If not for yourself then for your kid. I'm sure you might be fine seeing your wife happy and setting up with another man but at least for yourself, your future and that of your child, forget about being magnanimous. Go and see a lawyer and know your rights.

Have you exposed her actions to her family? Shining the light of day tends to end affairs.

Do not do the pick me dance. It is counterintuitive but doing the 180 described in depth here on SI is much better for your health, self esteem and as a side benefit it is also better to show her just what she's ruining.

Looking at the messages and honestly trying to adjust my mentality. Picked up the book no more Mr. Nice guy, will start reading that now. I’m a people pleaser and still try to be with the WW, even though I know I shouldn’t. I understand all the lawyering up and honestly, a consult may not be bad, but honestly, I just don’t want to open up something that may cause issues as co parents later on.

The OM was single to my knowledge, but as y’all say, who knows. Honestly just trying to not focus on anything about that to not spiral.

I have not exposed her to her family yet, but I have told a few of my close friends about the situation. Again, I’m not trying to create more damage than what has already been done. Part of me wants to tell them to expose her and have them not support her like the friends she did tell what was going on. I mean honestly, I know how pathetic I sound, how my mentality about this is probably wrong. But it’s honestly who I am. I wish I could just be able to say and do the things here, as it would help. But I would not feel great about it. This would eat at me on a personal level

Your past behavior was in a totally different context and, in a loving relationship, was working.

You now are in infidelity and may be about to lose your marriage... you need to adopt a few new behaviors ASAP. And you can do it! You can learn, adapt and change. You have done that before in other settings, you need to apply it here.

No one on this board ever saw a "pick me" dance work effectively. The 180 has worked over and over and over; not always to save a marriage but often it helps a ton. But it works to get out of infidelity. Find your agency, seize the initiative and restore your self esteem friend. You can do it!

You don't want to share your wife, do you?

[This message edited by Trdd at 5:57 PM, Thursday, December 12th]

I wish I could just be able to say and do the things here, as it would help.

I have a suggestion you might find palatable. You seem to agree that consulting a lawyer is a good idea. It’s actually an excellent idea. Knowledge is power and you desperately need a rudder to steer you through the storm. You don’t need to file or even tell her about it.

But the suggestion is get the consult and also ask the lawyer to run a background check on OM. Outside of his obvious lack of morals you don’t seem to know very much about a man who could soon be a big part of your son’s life.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 6:47 PM, Thursday, December 12th]

I’m a people pleaser and still try to be with the WW, even though I know I shouldn’t.

You know you shouldn’t, yet you still choose to act this way? Why? I suspect you don’t know. I deeply encourage IC to explore why this is. Your passivity isn’t serving you well at all, and sadly & ironically, such passivity is seen by most as weakness - a repulsive quality to most women.

I understand all the lawyering up and honestly, a consult may not be bad, but honestly, I just don’t want to open up something that may cause issues as co parents later on.

You will in all likelihood deeply regret your decision to remain in ignorance in years to come. I pray you don’t need to learn the hard way.

The OM was single to my knowledge, but as y’all say, who knows. Honestly just trying to not focus on anything about that to not spiral.

So you’re going to trust the word of your betraying wife on this? PLEASE don’t.

I have not exposed her to her family yet, but I have told a few of my close friends about the situation. Again, I’m not trying to create more damage than what has already been done.

I’m guessing this again is a result of your fear of confrontation. Again, this fear is serving you VERY poorly. In all likelihood, they are going to side with your wife in the end - the whole "blood is thicker than water" thing - but in SO many cases, betraying spouses re-write marital history and frequently describe a monster to their own families since they’re desperate not to be the "bad guy" in their story. Are you fine with her trashing your entire reputation? They will continue to be in your life as grandparents, so you’re fine with them looking at you like scum forever? If so, carry on being quiet.

Part of me wants to tell them to expose her and have them not support her like the friends she did tell what was going on. I mean honestly, I know how pathetic I sound, how my mentality about this is probably wrong. But it’s honestly who I am. I wish I could just be able to say and do the things here, as it would help. But I would not feel great about it. This would eat at me on a personal level

Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Take this exact statement to an individual therapist and ask to explore why you feel so strongly this way, when, at least it seems some small part of you knows it’s wrong and contrary to your best interests.

I hope you can overcome your fears. Start by reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. IC should be next. Hope you follow through.

Your WW's family needs to know, OP.

The first and foremost issue is the safety of your son. Who will your WW be giving access to even if it is through her. The only thing you really know about AP--who may get to meet your son--is that he had no shame getting involved with a married woman with a newborn. Not such a great start. Anyway, they may be able to help keep an eye on WW when she has custody of her son.

The next issue is the narrative that will come out and your relationships with if/when you and WW split. If you don't tell WW's family what is happening, she will spin a yarn that will make YOU the bad guy--or at least not-so-innocent in all this. Something such as you and she 'were having problems for years and you agree to D, and she ended up finding love again so soon thereafter wow so unexpectedly!'

Finally, sunshine is a powerful disinfectant. That she has to explain her actions to her family may help her wake up. You and WW should still split however, you don't want to be anyone's Safe Choice.

But meanwhile please see a lawyer. You are at the very least negotiating with someone who is untrustworthy and who may not--excuse me, probably *will not*--follow through on her word of not seeking spousal support/alimony. You remember how she promised you she'd stop talking to AP and how that turned out? (Oh yeah, the less your WW's family knows, the more likely they may be to encourage WW to get more concessions from you. Another reason for telling them, right?)

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:36 PM, Thursday, December 12th]

Would you be willing to elaborate on how you can create more damage to your marriage than has already been done?

As-is your best chance of even the tiniest slice of the reconciliation-cake is that your wife were to ask for you two to work on your marriage. The reality you are facing is that she has told you she’s unhappy, been unhappy since Noah grounded the Ark, has found another love-interest and wants to divorce. Short of tying you up and tossing you into a meat-grinder I can’t really see how your marital situation could get worse.

Do you know someone that has divorced? Notice how they don’t hang out with their ex? People don’t divorce because they enjoy each other so much. If you two end up divorcing then the best you two could do is become great coparents and be able to co-attend parent-teacher meetings, sit in the same hall at recitals and be at your childs marriage at the same time. But it’s highly unlikely that you will be visiting your ex and having a coffee while talking to the man wearing the dressing-gown you forgot in the divorce.

Be realistic... Things cant get worse.

I say expose. Share with stakeholders that you are divorcing. Make it clear it’s not what you want, but that your wife is having an affair and has chosen some stranger she met online over you. That if this is what she wants there isn’t anything you can do to prevent it, but that you are concerned about her having your child around some online stranger. Make it clear that although you aren’t the one that stated your marriage should be terminated, then you think it’s a better option than remaining with your wife while she is actively in an affair. Ask the relevant people to talk to your wife to make certain this isn’t some mental lapse or something, and at the very least to make sure your child is protected.

Hey man

You going through a hell that's 2nd to losing a close loved one. I can only tell you that it gets better, it takes time and huge amounts of life shattering heartbreak but you will get there. I never thought I would, but I did. Strength to you.