SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain but I have nowhere else to find support or a outlet.

It's been 3 weeks since I found out he cheated again, I say again as it has happened multiple times over the last 3 years, we're now into double digits, and I just don't know how to let go. I'd found messages and photos three weeks ago of him resuming things with someone he'd cheated with previously.

I realise I should of walked away a long time ago, but I can't can't seem too, and it's breaking my heart, I've lost all motivation to simply exist right now, spending my days replaying messages of theirs in my head, tue constant comparing myself to her and the others. I feel like I'm falling apart emotionally. I want to be able to hate this man with every fibre of my being. But I just can't, and I know by now this isn't going to change, if he's done it this many times. It shows he will never change. I just don't know how to navigate the hurt this time. It feels worse for multiple reasons. And I don't know how to develop a back bone and leave. It's likewise lost every part of myself for this person and i don't know how to get her back.

I don't know what the point of this post is other than to scream into the air and hope someone can relate:/

Welcome to SI and so sorry you've joined our group. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some with bull's eye icons that have good information. The Healing Library at the top of the page has a ton of resources, too.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist or somebody who specializes with infidelilty can be helpful. It's possible that you're co-dependent or trauma bonded (they're very similar) which may be one reason why you're not able to cut loose. Your therapist can help you work through this. The numb feeling is a trauma response.

If you're having trouble with depression or sleeping, please see your doctor for some meds. You may want to be tested for STDs/STIs to make sure he hasn't passed something along to you. There are some that can turn into cancer and kill you.

Please take very good care of yourself. Please don't compare yourself to the APs (affair partners). Most of us do, and so you'll need to work on that. They're really not anything special. They were available and could have been interchangeable. Look at all of the cheating that has gone on with famous people. Adam Levine cheated on his wife - a Victoria's Secret underwear model. Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry to name a few. It isn't anything you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, etc. There's a great big character flaw in him where he made the decisions to cheat.

Hey Pandaxo,

I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve so much better.

Leafields gave you some good advice- please re-read her post.

Are you in IC? I found talking to someone about it helped me really see the situation clearly. And over a little time got the strength to take steps to get myself out of infidelity. It may take doing things in small steps to get the strength, but you can do it.

How long have you been married? Do you have kids? Do you have your own income? Do you live near family?
Tell us more so we can tailor our advice to your situation.

And remember that his cheating has NOTHING to do with you. It’s 100% an issue with his character. You are the prize. Don’t let his actions let you think otherwise.

You can still "love" him but decide you want something better for yourself.

You can decide you are better off without him and still care for him.

I agree that professional counseling could help you sort through your situation and help you make decisions about your future.

BTW you don’t have to D him or end the marriage. You can continue to live and live him but set some goals and boundaries for yourself so you are less stressed and devastated by the continued pattern of cheating.

Basically you accept he’s cheating. But you develop your own life so that you are as happy as you can be, despite a less than perfect relationship. Professional counseling can help you with that too.

spending my days replaying messages of theirs in my head, the constant comparing myself to her and the others. I feel like I'm falling apart emotionally.

On this point. If you let your mind keep on this day by day, hour by hour, your emotions have no choice but to follow. It helps to set a time, once a day, you allow yourself to review this kind of stuff. If the thoughts pop up at other times, remind yourself you can go over it at the allotted time.

The rest of the time, plan your future. Do things you like, even if you don't want to. Go for walks, even if you have to drag yourself. I am not sure if you are married but if so, get the divorce going with or without a back bone. If not, plan the exit.

Most importantly, follow the advice to see a professional. It's just a temporary thing to get you over this unfathomable hurdle. You are connected to someone who is not connected to you right now and it is time to be proactive in starting to untangle. It is SO WORTH it. Trust me. Life is wonderful once you get past this. Even better than before in a way, because the relief is invigorating and freeing.

After Dday#1, I was a wreck. I could not imagine myself without my WW. We had been married 25 years at the time and I really did love her. I did the pick me dance as the true extent of her cheating was still not out. I thought it was a one-sided EA on her part. After Dday2, the shit hit the fan and I was raging. I gave her 6 months to show me she had the fortitude to fix what she broke.

During that 6 months, I worked on myself extensively, becoming the best version of myself. While I did that,I found my self esteem improving, my confidence returning, and most importantly, I was detaching from my WW. I remember hearing sobbing in the guest room one night and I literally did not give a shit.

You seem to be bonded to your WH in a very unhealthy way. I'm not trying to be judgmental, only making an observation. Your tethered to your source of trauma and can't imagine being free of it.

It reminds me of that story of the monkey who had been secured by a three foot chain his entire life. They tried rehabilitating him, but every time they removed the chain, he went crazy. Finally, the settled on slowly adding lengths to the chain which he dutifully coiled and carried within through the enclosure. At final count, it was hundreds of feet.

Don't let a trauma bond to your WH be your chain. It's too great a burden.

I've been free of my chain for over 5 years now, and it feels good, not great, but good. I struggle but am content. What I don't do is wake up next to my abuser and feel my heart break every morning. It was killing me and no way to live. I had no idea how my life would unfold when I originally made the decision to leave my marriage. What I did know is that I was getting out from under the pain. I do believe that a BS heals quicker if the remove the WS from the equation, for the simple fact that the thing that made the wound has been plucked out. I'm not saying it's easy, but that the irritant is gone. It's often said, no new contact, no new hurts.

I sinceely hope you find the strength and courage to make the best decision for your life. Good luck.

This was me 5 years ago. I haven’t been on here in so long and just randomly decided to check in and saw your post.

I was married to a serial cheater and forgave him time and again only for him to continue doing it. Finally he found one girl that he decided he wanted to actually leave for. And there was no way for me to stop him (and believe me - I tried).

He left me with our three kids in a brand new house we had just built and was spending every second with her, dating and acting like he had no kids or wife at home. We obviously divorced at that time.

I won’t lie, I was an absolute wreck for months. But I picked myself off the floor (literally) and made myself rejoin life. I started dating and met and fell in love with a guy I’m still with. And it is so clear to me now the difference between being with someone who truly loves you and someone who does not. But I could never ever see this when I was trapped in my emotionally abusive marriage (and repeatedly cheating IS abuse). You will likely NOT be able to see things clearly while you’re continuously being abused.

No one can tell you what to do, but I would suggest divorcing him and never looking back. And know that your heart will rip in two and it won’t be what your heart *wants* to do. It won’t feel natural or right. But it’s NECESSARY for you to see things the way they really are, and be able to salvage your dignity, your self-confidence, your LIFE. My heart breaks for you because I know the pain. But there IS a way to remove yourself from this torture. Only you can do it.

Two things that helped me. 1- I asked myself what would I tell my best friend or daughter to do? 2-what would the me now tell the me years ago when he first started cheating? The answers to those questions made it clear what I needed to do… even when he tried to come back literally a month after our divorce was finalized. 🙄

Be strong. Get the hell away from this guy. Good luck. ❤️

Someone mentioned trauma bonding and it certainly seems that’s what you have, but I’m guessing that you brought this dependency into this relationship. If he had been a kind thoughtful person, your dependency would have been taken care of, in an kind and thoughtful way. Instead, he has used this pummel you emotionally. He does not care about you, please understand that. I don’t know what drives him, but it sounds like your relationship is so toxic that it cannot be fixed. He’s a serial cheater which sounds like an addiction and you’re so emotionally dependent on him that you can’t leave. Actually, you can leave and you should leave because this will never get better. That is what your life will be.
This might help. Ask the police where the women’s shelter is. You need somewhere to go and you are an emotionally abused person. (You did not state your gender so if you are a guy try the Y.) Get out and then decide what to do next. You must get out.