SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My soon to be ex and I finally told the kids (6 & 8) that we are divorcing and dad would be living in a different house.
It wasn't as bad as I had feared, but my 8 yr old keeps asking why we are doing this.

I've explained:

That it's a grown-up situation and it's nothing she caused or can change

That it will make me a better mom and dad a better dad

That in the long run she'll come to understand more that this is for the best

That we didn't plan for this to happen, but sometimes adults make decisions that can change who they are, and it just stopped being the right thing for us to be married

Does anyone have any advice on how to answer the repeated 'why' question (appropriate for an 8 year old) Or, if any of the things I've tried metioning are good answers or if I should stop using any of them.

Thanks in advance.

My children are adults, so I didn't have to go through finding age-appropriate language. Hopefully, some others will join in with some more advice.

What about something along the lines of this:

When people get married, they make special promises to each other. Your dad broke those promises more than once, and hurt mommy really bad. (Then add what you've said below.)

Just as we BS need to -- kids need to make sense out of what has happened and why. Sometimes this means asking the same question again and again. i know i did this and i am grown up (for the most part). That said kids do understand promises and breaking them.

I would go with something along the lines of what leafields said and with as little of ' things are going to be better' as possible. That whenever they have questions or are just having feelings about it all to come and find you.

Thanks for the suggestions. Feel free to keep them coming.

I have told her she can talk to me any time and I'll do my best to answer her questions.

I've had time to adjust to knowing the divorce was happening, but this is all new for my daughter, so I get the confusion and the desperation she's feeling. Not that I belive there is a magic answer that would make her world all OK again, but man, what I wouldn't give if there was something I could say to take all of her pain away.

It kills me to see her hurting.

Sorry your little one is hurting. It takes time like it does for all of us and she will slowly adjust to her new situation. The acceptance was the hardest for my daughter to get over, she was 17 at the time I left and she secretly was hoping we would get back together and even voiced that to me. I had to explain why that would never happen but that I would always be there for her just as her dad will also be there and both of us will always love her.

It's not easy on the kids. My son took it better than my daughter but they both struggled to find their direction for a few years. They are thriving now.

The floor was ripped out for everyone when I found out. We had what I thought and many others thought was a great marriage and family. We told my kids 10 and 6 at the time that mom had a boyfriend.

Alot of evidence says don't tell, but I've preached to my kids forever- don't lie, the truth is always the best route. I couldn't be complicit with half truthing them or lying to them. The evidence either way is shaky. Most says don't tell or do something age appropriate. Other evidence says in the end when the kids find out they will hold some resentment to both for not being honest. I don't agree with holding the reality from children, especially in the light of life changing circumstances. I also immediately told them that people make mistakes and that their mom is not a horrible person. That she loves them and this was not a reflection of her love for them. That they would need to forgive her.

A few months after that we went through a year of false reconciliation where she cheated the entire time and on the 2nd telling - we told them we couldn't make it work.

Personally I believe in being forthright with them. Why put them in limbo of trying to put all the broken puzzle pieces together. That's maddening and unfair.

I've really struggled over if it was the right decision or not. Each situation is unique and probably should handled that way.

Since then I've never bad mouthed their mother or disclosed any details. They got a big picture answer in the begging and I would probably do the same thing again.

It's a really tuff call and one of the more ugly things you have to face as a betrayed spouse. If you believe honesty is the best policy then it's hard to go against it.

There is no right way to destroy their safety of a 2 parent home. In the end how you support them after divorce matters so much more. My EX has done a good job in that respect and I have too.

I believe you have to follow your values and try to protect them from the ugliness of it all as best you can. I can say I didn't make that call out of anger. And believe me the shit that went down was as ugly as could be.

No one, even the best pyschiatrist in the world has a proven list of best practices for the most appropriate way to eat a shit sandwich you have no idea how to digest.

One day when they are much older they may ask me what really happened. I don't know how I'll handle all of that. You would hope that your cheater would take that burden on themselves, but I wouldn't count on it.

If they learn anything from this I hope that it is, honesty is the best route. Also that they don't ever have to stick around if someone is treating them in a toxic manner. You can always forgive but don't have to be a doormat.