SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi. I mentioned a little while ago that we had a completely traumatic experience with our son. He lost limbs and it was by far the worst thing any of us who went through.
When this happened I still wasn’t in a great place with my H. Was he doing everything he could? Yes. Had he completely changed ? Yes. Is he a great dad? Yes. But we were still healing. I just started my codependency journey , he was working on himself but I still had issues being around him for long periods of time, I was still
healing.

What this previous trauma did to new trauma

I won’t get into the details of what happened to our son but we were both present when the accident happened and after it happened laid down beside my son sobbing. My husband took one look and sobbed and walked away dry heaving. It is so sad for me to say this but it is impoetant, when he walked away from us I felt the abandonment issues rise up in me and I screamed and cried for him to come back to us and rationally I knew he was dialing 911 and he couldn’t function because he was traumatized I felt not only traumatized by what had just happened to my son and I felt helpless, I felt like he abandoned us all overal again.
I can’t believe that those feelings rose up in me
when I shouldn’t have had any space for what he did to creep back in, my son could have died, thankfully my H came back and he did some life saving things and he made it to the hospital.

My points are:

1. The trauma created by his A I feel so guilty for it surfacing when my son needed me the most. My brain immediately went somewhere else.

2. I moved my Ic to focus on the trauma created from my sons accident but because right now I’m blaming my H , let me explain. I blame him for what happened some days. I blame his karma for what he did to me and how he almost left us and I feel like this is his fault. (Irrationally thought I know). My husband blamed himself for a short while too and some days cries saying it was his fault, then I comfort him and tell him it isn’t but some days I think it is. My counselor said because the traumas are so close together I’m dates that I’m combining them so we are trying to sort through them.

3. This that’s happened to our son has changed my husband even more into a better and loving person. He didn’t leave the hospital while we were there, he fielded all the calls so I didn’t have to talk to anyone, he took a month off work, he is in counseling, he cries with me , he tells me how much we all mean and he vows to never let us go no matter what.

I tell him all the time that I still don’t like him some days but I love him. That I’m thankful for who he is now but because this happened doesn’t make it any less hard for me, now I just have to traumas to process. Now that we have been home and the baby is in better spirits , I’m getting bothered by the A again here and there. Not as much as I was before the accident but it’s there. I don’t hide those feelings from him, when I feel them I tell them and he always tells me it’s ok and he will wait for me, he just begs me to not blame him for our son. I haven’t out loud since the first week it happened and I don’t know if I do now but I get so mad that he abandoned us for 6 months and look at what couple happen. He didn’t think , he took us for granted, and now with one special needs kid and add on a child with limb loss, our kids need us healthy and happy more than ever. I feel an added weight to heal quicker than I was.

I want to be be there for my husband , I want to be there for my son and my other children and some moments I fail because of the trauma from
the A. I am hoping continued counseling helps, my counselor has made it very clear that it was an accident, my H didn’t summon, wish, or cause it and I know I’m being irrational, I am just grieving two different huge things, my marriage and the life I thought my son would live.

Not sure what I’m asking but I guess I’m just telling our story and I know if anyone can relate it would be someone here

It makes sense you would experience those thoughts. Not one person can really understand what you have just gone though. I can only imagine it must be completely overwhelming. But the part that people on this site can understand is the betrayal part and how it colors everything in your life. Everything negative that has happened in the last 8 years I can feel the need to blame my WS for at least at first. As you described, when you logically think about it you know they aren’t responsible but…. I know when a close friend’s daughter died in a car accident I imagined she must blame every person that interacted with her daughter in the days/months preceding. Isn’t it natural to think if you had not done X we wouldn’t have been standing in Y place at Z time and then the terrible thing would not have happened. I don’t know if that’s what you’re feeling, because it is beyond me to understand how it must feel to go through what your were just faced with. But I get the blaming part. I have had a bunch of bad health outcomes recently and at first I just started sobbing and admitted to my husband that I blamed him. If he hadn’t caused this trauma I wouldn’t have had the stress and I wouldn’t have gotten sick. He said it was okay and he understood.

I’m just so so sorry you are facing this. God bless your path forward. I hope you wont be too hard on yourself. You can’t magically heal in a minute even if you want that peace for your family more than anything. Just you showing up every day is an amazing accomplishment given what you are dealing with.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 4:22 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

I cannot begin to understand what you and your H went through in that tragic moment and dealing with the aftermath. I can relate to dealing with thoughts of blame creeping into a terrible situation with our kids.

Our Son is severly Autistic, and has a seizure disorder. He spent almost a year in the hospital starting at 5 months old. He came home at 15 months old with a Trach, ventilator, G-tube, and 5 years of 24-7 nursing in our home. He was able to get rid of the trach, eat by mouth, at about 6 years old. My W fought and advocated for him and I give a lot of credit to her for his recovery.

For the next 6-8 years he very stable, but we were dealing with behavioral issues. We spent tens of thousands of dollars in ABA therapy, MAPS, Dr's that do more natural stuff. My W got very involved in Autism community, taking trips to conferences to meet with Dr's, vendors, or anyone that could help our Son.

After Dday I got the timeline of all of her infidelity, almost all of it was in the Autism community. A one night stand with a vendor at a conference, an EA with a Dad she met at a conference, a one night stand and 2 month PA with a man she met at an Autism Mom's event, he wasn't part of it, he was a stranger that was at the same bar.

In 2022 or Son started to regress and as I have said before went in the hospital in 2023 and hasn't been home since, I do have thoughts creep in occasionally "What did you miss in those conferences, while fucking around?". Or "Why does her Karma bus have to hit our Son?". My W has really done the work to be a great W and mother, I would not ever outwardly say the things that pop in my mind. I know she would give anything to heal our Son, I trust that she would not go back to where she was. She has leaned into me this past year and a half with this unforeseen heartbreaking turn in his health.

Give yourself and your H grace to heal and process this tragedy.

As always thank you for allowing me to feel human but also not babying me in making me feel like I can blame this on my husband. That isn’t fair.
I know we have so much healing to do and I feel so robbed in so many ways. I’m so angry, I’m thankful, and I’m hurt, all at the same time.

Life is hard. Infidelity sucks ass. Watching your child in pain is the worst.

I pray more than anything that our family can heal together and we make the best decision for the kids and ourselves. We deserve to be happy.

My heart goes out to your family at this time.
((Sending virtual hugs))

I can't imagine what you are going through.

What I can identify with the feeling of abandonment. That hurts to the core and is hard-wired into us.

Don't feel guilty. Practice self-care and be kind to yourself.

I wish I had something to add beyond just a message of care and support, and the odd prayer.

My heart hurts for you and your son and all your family. God have mercy.

Oh my God.

It is unspeakable what you are going through. So many excruciating traumas in life, there’s no way to truly know what someone’s going through unless you’ve been there.

I will definitely be praying for you and your son, and your family.

This may not be the best time, so whenever you’re ready, feel free to PM me about your son’s devastating injury. One of my best friends of over 40 years is an amputee, who was a very successful gold medalist in the Paralympics when she was younger. And also, my husband was paralyzed from the chest down at a very early age and went on to be very successful in the Paralympics, a successful business owner, a great dad to our boys, and the love of my life.

You are such a strong woman. You will know how to guide this child through struggles related to this accident. He will come out on the other side to be physically, and mentally strong, and self-sufficient.

Your family will get through this. And your son will thrive with your support.

🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 3:30 PM, Monday, November 11th]