Oh so true. Early on I was asking the typical questions such as what did I do wrong what didn't I do what didn't I do enough of etc. I kept telling myself there has to be something wrong with me that caused her to do this, there's no way it just happened, I'm a good husband and a good guy, but has to be something wrong with me
The day I confronted her she responded with animosity anger vitriol and then she tried using deflection. She kept saying you are so angry and you're so mad and you're this and you're that and I kept saying when did I do that, can you give me an example and of course the answer was I can't remember off the top of my head. That's because she was trying to Gaslight me, make me think that I am in the wrong
But as time went by and I got better control of my thoughts and emotions I started to slowly realize that I did nothing wrong and this was 100% her fault. One night while talking she said placing blame doesn't help, we are both at fault and I snapped back with I am not at fault for you having an affair, you made the decision on your own
She retorted with so all those years of you not talking to me, of you freezing me out, you don't think you are partially to blame and I said no. I asked you to go to marriage counseling to help us learn how to communicate better and you adamantly said no so I went on my own and I realized what I was doing wrong and realized what I wasn't doing and I brought all of that home trying to talk to you but you still wanted no part of having raw open vulnerable conversations so no, you are 100% at fault
I always assumed that bad marriages had affairs but after lots of research I realized that good and bad marriages have affairs. Once I accepted the fact that the only part of a relationship I can control are my actions and that if my partner is going to have an affair it's going to happen and I am powerless to stop it so there's no sense thinking about it or worrying about it or obsessing about it, a large weight was lifted from my mind
A few weeks back while talking my wife said I understand what you are going through and I said you need to stop saying that because you don't. You can guess and you can empathize to a degree but until you are on this side of an affair you cannot understand what it does to your soul
ETA. During one conversation recently I said try to imagine that you found out I was carrying on with a woman who is 13 years younger than you (the AP is 13 years younger than me, I was 49). Someone who is obviously younger and healthier and has a body that is better than yours. Now try to imagine how secure you think you would feel in your relationship. Do you think maybe it would always be in the back of your mind that your husband wants someone who is younger and healthier and has a better body?
[This message edited by WB1340 at 5:18 PM, Tuesday, October 29th]