SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Can’t remember the last time my mental health was in a good place and I’m obsessed with these subs and Reddit and all others at the mo. I feel like I’ve gone so far into the sand and disassociating my own reality lately but at the same time it’s mildly comforting.

I’m sure you probably recall where I’m at right now but I notice there’s some other accounts I’ve not seen previously so to sum up, I’m 31, been together for over 10 years, he had a 4 year affair with a COW which ended last year (was told because they thought she was pregnant but it didn’t result in anything), been in limbo land as too broken to make a decision but desperately wanting out of the fog and to get back into my life.

The place I’m at now with things is we’re great friends and living companions but not great partners. We can talk about everyone else’s situations and relationship dilemmas but we don’t address anything to do with us. It feels like we are both avoidant. We don’t tell each other we love each other, we don’t have any emotional or physical connection/intimacy that make up a healthy relationship but we don’t talk about it.

I physically can’t summon the words from my mouth "things don’t seem good with us right now" and start off the communication channel.

I don’t know how to approach it maybe because I don’t know what I want the outcome to be but I need to have these talks and start to move forward to either fully commit to reconcile or to separate and continue healing and going into the world alone. I’m scared to be alone though if it goes this route. I have friends but they have their own life. I also have a deep rooted sense/fear that I’ll never meet anyone who will love me as deeply and loyally as I love them. Not everyone finds their person after all.

I feel I’m on the cusp of being able to start off the chain of events and open the communication flood gate but just can’t bring myself to say anything. I try to get drunk to loosen the tongue but it still doesn’t help.

Does anyone have any advice on how to find my voice again?! I can talk to anyone else about stuff but my body rejects being able to talk to him.

Also I’m finding him really attractive and his sense of humour and sparkle is slowly returning so we get on great, but I’m scared I’ll get drawn back in (at the moment holding him at arms length) and then regret it down the line. But I don’t want to make a mistake by leaving when deep down he is a good person he made some terrible terrible choices. Maybe I’m romanticising him and I’ll be better off on my own to heal.

Anyway sorry I’ve gone off topic. Thank you. You’re all so confident about speaking up I would love some of that to be dusted over me.

Thanks, as always - I’m indebted to this forum x

I am so sorry of your situation with your partner. Have you got children? How do you see yourself and your partner in 5 years time?

You are os young and need to evaluate if you shouldn’t simply move on.

Communication has a fundamental part in a relationship. If you need to wLk on eggshells all the time is it worth it? Wouldn’t it be better to start with someone else?

Thank you and no, we don’t have children.

Yes possibly easier to move on - worried events like this seem to be the norm and I’ll be hurt all over again. Better the devil you know, no?

I do often think about calling it a day but again, I just shut down inside myself and can’t say any words about the state of our relationship.

I also feel bad for hurting him like I’ve not even tried to reconcile properly.

I think once I’ve started it will be okay and we can progress with talking it out but really struggling to start that conversation. I’m very conflict averse and therefore avoidant so this is definitely a time for my growth!

Hi littleredrobin,

Sorry you’re going through this.

First off I want to say don’t feel bad for how you feel about what he did. He had a 4 year affair that resulted in a pregnancy - that’s such a traumatic thing for you to go through!

I don’t know much about your story apart from what you’ve said here so I’m wondering what changes and work he’s out in since day? Also, do you feel like you can’t talk about it because of how he’ll react or because of your own feelings about it?

One thing I did in IC pretty early on was she got me to very clearly imagine my life if we separated, focusing mainly on the positives but also taking into account the negatives. She said if I could see it clearly and feel somewhat okay about that idea, then I would feel stronger in myself to say what I needed/wanted from WS if I were to stay.

I don’t have much more advice because I’m still undecided on what we will do, but we are trying for now. It’s still early days though. I find as time goes on I’m struggling to talk about it so much but I’ve told him we need to and often so that we each know where we stand constantly.

Think about what you need to stay, but also what it would be like if you didn’t. If you feel a bit clearer on what you want, maybe you’ll find it easier to talk about.

"what changes and work he’s out in since day?"

At first he was more affectionate and so was I - possibly both trauma bonded but we seemed to be like we were years ago and it was great. Last few months have been like we’re roommates there’s no demonstration of love or affection from either. I mean he always makes me a coffee without asking or will take the dogs for a walk if I’m too tired and if I fancy a treat he’ll offer to go out for me and get me something but that emotional connection and intimacy is basically at 0. I feel like I’m possibly pushing him away but he’s not trying to pull me back in if that makes sense.

"Also, do you feel like you can’t talk about it because of how he’ll react or because of your own feelings about it?"

Maybe both actually. And I think where I’ve not spoken up in a while he thinks it’s all forgotten about so his reaction to how I feel will put him into a shame spiral and then he’ll only be showing me affection (if he does) because I’ve asked and not because he felt inclined to?Also the way he casually talks about other people, or that one of his colleagues wives cheated and they are divorcing just seems a bit like he doesn’t see the damage of us unless I tell him.

Thank you that’s good tip I might write that in my journal and list what I need from him to stay and get it clearer in my murky head, as well as what my life will look like if I leave both the good and bad.

Either in this relationship or in a future relationship, you'll have to speak up to get your emotional needs met. The sooner you figure out how to do that, the better. My reco is to use this relationship to learn what you need to learn and not to end this one and hope the next one will be better.

You clearly can communicate on most topics that interest you. I wonder if the problem is that you fear showing your vulnerability.

If that's the case, here's the thing: you won't know how your WSo will treat you when the chips are down without opening yourself up. One of you needs to take the risk. It would be better if he did it, but WSes are usually more effed up than BSes, so you'll get to your destination more quickly if you open yourself up.

Tell your partner one of the things you've told us to find out how he'll react. If you like the reaction, great - continue with more honest, intimate talk. If you don't like his reaction, great - test a bit more, and if you continue not to like his reaction, you'll know it's a good idea to split.

But you have to take the risk....

I guarantee you can handle whatever the risk unearths.

You indicate you committed to your WSo at 19. That's young. That's probably well before your brain matured. It wouldn't be unusual to make different decisions as an adult than they did at 19.

Thanks Sissoon, I know I need to speak up for myself and what my needs are for any relationship to work - definitely need to try and use this as a learning opportunity and not just end things and assume the next relationship will be any better.

I feel like I am being pulled more to finally speak or start off a conversation there’s only so long I can hold it all in surely ! Just scared after bottling it all up for so long I’ll open the door and absolute word vomit with all things built up. I think I’m scared of his reaction in terms of making him cry or go into a shame spiral but also he may not do those things.

I think ultimately I need to work out if the relationship is worth the pain to stay which will hopefully become clearer when we start talking.

I was planning on attempting to broach the conversation when out for a walk as it feels too formal to be sat down together at home?

Yes got together at 19.. a wee baby when I look back now.

Why is the burden of fixing the relationship on you?

[This message edited by Abalone123 at 8:58 AM, Friday, October 25th]

It shouldn’t be, it should be on both of us. But as he’s not saying anything and I’m in my head and still thinking everything over, I think we’re on different pages so it’s down to me to start the conversation if he’s not going to.

Littleredrobin - I think you’re right in that fixing falls on both partners, however unfair that may feel. He probably feels like he’s walking on eggshells and fears bringing it all back up.

In regards to the intimacy issue, I’m not saying it’s the same because I don’t know, but keeping the intimacy going falls on me right now. We went through a bad patch where anytime we started being intimate I would cry and lock myself in the bathroom because the mind movies were too much. Everything he did with me, I imagined him doing with AP. Obviously, a massive mood killer. He’s affectionate, but rarely initiates sex, mostly because he’s worried he’ll upset me and obviously there’s the fear of rejection probably a bit too. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, and if it’s been a while he’ll start a conversation about it (considerately, more like checking in that I’m okay), so in that sense, keeping the intimacy going is on me, and I put the effort in there because I think intimacy is important and I worry if we don’t sustain that, other things will begin to crack too, like communication. I don’t know if that’s right, but that’s how it is atm.

I hope you find the strength to start these conversations. I know it can be very scary if you’ve not being doing so for a while. I recently had the same issue, though it hadn’t been so long, where I was like we’ve stopped talking about it and that’s bad so we need to start talking about it again. I was partly avoiding it because I wanted to keep the calmness we’d been having, and also because I find the conversations exhausting at this point. They’re no fun for either of us, but I believe very necessary to keep moving forward.