SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am 2 and a half years out. My spouse appears to be doing all the right things.

I am unbelievably anxious today. I have had bad palpitations too. Nothing has really triggered me (more than normal). I don’t get worried if he is away from me. I don’t worry about what he’s up to (I know I cannot control his choices). He can do what he wants to do. I will never again be hurt by a partner the way he hurt me. I have had an okay week or two. Not good but okay.

But oh my I’m anxious. It’s a knot in my stomach too. And tightness in my chest and throat.

I am adopted and have always been a worrier. This however is next level.

Historically his hugs would calm me down. I felt so secure and safe and now I realise I was not safe. It was one of the reasons I felt at home with him - because I felt safe. I have tried breathing exercises. And relaxing but it’s not working. I’m not sure where it’s come from really. I don’t really want hugging by him though, it’s not the same now. I am also now worried about the damage this is doing to me and my life. My relationships, my brain and my body. Cortisol is so bad for us.

I’m not sure if I should look at emdr therapy. Or if there’s any yoga or something that could help. I don’t really want to talk to anyone but I wonder if that’s part of the problem. I was even reluctant to post here.

Just sending you some hugs from me. Sorry that is all I can do, but please know that they are heartfelt and full of understanding.

Have you spoken with a therapist about the affair? If not, I would strongly suggest doing so. Having a person you can completely open up to about whatever is on your mind or what you are feeling is incredible. Someone you can say anything to and you know they will not judge you or use it against you or share it with anyone else.

Thanks - I feel better today. I was attending counselling when i found out. He was lying to me and made out our marriage was breaking up because I was an awful person. Finding the EA was a relief in that respect tbh as it was the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle.

I could return to counselling I guess.

Loss and no secure base is my issue. Mainly loss, something I have always struggled with. Sadly I guess it’s all tied into previous loss. He didn’t have the brains to consider this. To wrapped up in how he felt. Very disappointing really. He isn’t in a great place now from the damage he has caused tbh.

All very sad and I’m certainly collateral damage to his poor choices.

Abcd89, Anxiety is no stranger to us, is it? I really felt for you, as you described not even being comforted by the WS trying to give you a hug.

It really is another loss. I know it can't be much comfort, but here is an internet hug for you from another BS....(((Abcd89)))

Truly, infidelity trauma can screw up our bodies so bad it can give our hearts electrical problems. Hard to believe - but it can happen. I am getting an echocardiogram done today so my doctor can determine the damage my heart has sustained from all this trauma and grief. One of the symptoms of heart issues can be a sense of impending doom, or anxiety. We may think it is "all in our heads" but why not have your doctor listen to your ticker ticking. That's how I found out I now have an issue.

I wish there were a roadmap out of a lifetime of losses. So far for me also, it has been hard to figure out, but I think our perspective can make a big difference. I remind myself that even people who come from intact families and grew up secure in their identities run into miseries in life, just the same. So I doubt anybody is spared, really. Keep your health, that is number ONE.

I think a visit to your primary care doctor is in order. I recommend that you ask for an anxiety medication that you can use when you have episodes like this. There's nothing worse than feeling like you want to crawl out of your skin. The med will bring you back down to normal and give you some relief.

I have palpitations that are controlled with medication. (Metoprolol) When I asked my doc what was causing them, he said "You're probably just a high strung woman." I was PISSED when he said that, but he's not wrong.

I wish I'd had some anxiety meds, or just plain ol' cannabis, right after DDay. I truly think that spending such a long time in such a high state of stress changed my body. Get a handle on this as soon as you can. 💜

I'm sorry for your losses. My own experience is that I turned 'loss' around and feared abandonment. Therapy with an excellent therapist helped me solve my problem.

EMDR may very well help - it hadn't been invented when I was doing my work.

'Tapping' is something that may help you without the help of a therapist. If you search on 'tapping anxiety' (no quotes), you'll find a lot of no cost guides to the technique.