SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not sure what to do for my relationship. I want to keep it going.

The story is that I met my fiance a little under 2 years ago. Things were great but then last year in October he came to me saying he almost cheated on me but didn't because the girl revealed she was underage. I forgave him. And we talked about why and he said that he suffers from depression and talking to women and being sexually active is his " drug" to cope. I said we should try counseling, he agreed but money has been tight so we didn't go.

Fast forward to a few months ago he tells me that another women he hooked up with around the same time we met was claiming she had his baby, did the DNA test, it was false. Though I did catch him like a few weeks later texting her and begging her to stay with him and talking shit on our relationship. Confronted him he said it wasn't what is look d like and that he doesn't like to lose people. At this point I'm hurting and asked if he would be able to be faithful and he did he would try to change but it would take time.i stupidly said we could be in an open relationship just so I'm not feeling like I'm being cheated on... didn't help my feelings at all

He then went to go hang out with a friend and smoke weed with them they had sex and also like a week ago he did the same ( minus smoking weed) with the women who claimed she had his baby. I begged him when he got home to please stop with the outsourcing with other women he said he would try again.

Then this week I have learned the women he smoked with, the condom broke and she is pregnant. This hurts me lot cause in 2023 we got pregnant but I miscarried and we planned to try again but only when we were more financially stable.

I am hurting a lot and I don't know what to do. I know he is fourth write with how he is and I love him so much, but heart is hurting.

Dear lady,

This guy has NEVER been honest or faithful to you. And he claims it is a drug. Uh - no. He just enjoys it.
And he "almost" had sex with someone underage. UNDERAGE. Illegal and immoral and the ick factor is very high.
And he does drugs and cheats but hasn’t stopped doing the drugs and getting into rehab.

He is thinking only of himself and not about you.

How about YOU get counseling to help YOU decide what you are getting out of this relationship besides emotional abuse.

And PLEASE go get tested for STD/STIs. Do not have unprotected sex with him - many here have gotten nasty diseases, some of which are not curable.

You deserve better. I know how hard this is to hear and that it breaks your heart. But he is already doing that.

Also, please read in the healing library and all the posts with bullseyes — great info there.

I'm so sorry that you're hurting. The best way to stop hurting and get out of infidelity is to stop seeing this guy. He doesn't respect you, and now he has a child on the way with another woman. He's just not a good bet.

Then this week I have learned the women he smoked with, the condom broke and she is pregnant. This hurts me lot cause in 2023 we got pregnant but I miscarried and we planned to try again but only when we were more financially stable.

You do get that if you stay with him, he's going to be paying child support for the next 18 years, at least? That's going to make it even harder to get financially stable, not to mention the emotional fallout of him having a child with someone else before the child you planned. AND him having constant contact with the baby mama.

"the condom broke"

You're not really buying that, are you? Condoms are like 98% effective and the odds of them breaking are 1 in 250. (I Googled it.) He didn't wear one. You need to get tested. He's not protecting himself and he's not protecting you. He's lying to you and risking your health. Do not sleep with him again without protection, and know that you can still get herpes even if you use a condom. Herpes is not curable.

You've got some work to do regarding why you're accepting poor treatment and compromising your wants and needs in order to be with a man who has shown you that he's a terrible bet. Don't put all of your eggs in his basket. He is very, very likely to break them.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:36 PM, Friday, October 18th]

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry you're here. He sounds like a serial cheater, and they are notoriously bad about doing the work to become a safe partner. You don't need couples counseling. Your relationship didn't cheat - he did.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) for you. A betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. IC for him to work on his poor coping skills. It wasn't an accident or mistake. He is making choices to cheat. Later you can do couples therapy to work on the relationship, if that's the road you take.

If you have trouble eating at least try protein shakes. If you're having trouble with depression or anxiety, please talk to your doctor. Please get tested for STDs/STIs. There are some very nasty things out there that can turn to cancer.

Sorry that you're here.

Run as fast and as far away from him as you can. Run like your life is at stake, because it is. Run.

One word RUN.

Let me list the red flags of this less than 2 year "relationship" -

"almost cheated"
"girl underage"
"drug to cope"
"alleged false DNA test"
"begging potential baby mama to stay"
"not what it looks like"
"doesn't like to loose people"
"smoke weed / have sex"
"another potential babymama"
"broken condom"

And that's just off the cuff! Get tested for STDs/STIs immediately and go for all the follow up testing. Get yourself in some serious IC to find out why you think this individual is worth all the above listed red flags (which are the tip of a very large iceberg).

Please take care of yourself. I know you are hurting and the pain is real. But I promise it will get better if you run. It will only be the beginning if you stay with someone like that.

Welcome to SI, I'm sorry you are going through this. The best advice for you is to move on from this guy. It will only get worse and you deserve better. This is a real mess and not an environment to bring a child into. Like I told my daughter when she picked the wrong man, "love is not enough".