SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Welp.

My semi-regular vent/overthinking session.

Not going to rehash everything. But a quick summary...WW was engaged to someone before me. He was "the one" and he dumped her because of various red flags just before they were to get married. She married the rebound guy (me)...emotional affairs...caught...remorse...tried to make up for it...sort of reconciled now....yada. yada.

Important points...she was not over him for a long time after we got together. Once she was over him, she couldn't see me as good enough. After the fallout of her affairs, she took those words back and said she was stupid and I was Mr. Right and "the one" all along. And I would say as far as actions and words go, I have no reason to doubt the change.

So...I just found out that her ex cheated on his now wife...multiple times. I know this because she caught him and as a part of his punishment, he has to reach out to the families of all of his indiscretions. This is surprising. He was a friend before I knew my WW, and I never would have thought him capable of it.

Before you say it...this is not going quite where you think. He had to reach out to me because he attempted to make a connection with my WW about 12 or so years ago. This would be after WW's EAs were over and she was attempting to make amends to me, while I was checked out and sulking. The ex says my WW never responded despite multiple attempts. His wife confirmed to me that the messages she saw were one way from the ex to my WW and that she couldn't find any response from WW.

But...WW never told me about this. On the one hand, she didn't respond. On the other, she should have told me.

As a part of our attempted reconciliation, WW does not delete messages and I always have access to her devices (as does she to all of mine). I was not constantly snooping...but I snooped enough over the years that I think I would have caught the messages if they came through. Maybe he was blocked...?

I confronted her. Her response was "I told you that your were better than him. You never would have done anything like that!". I think she mistook what I was asking. She took it as an opportunity to praise me. I corrected her and told her I was upset that she didn't tell me.

Side note...usually, she will start sobbing and apologizing for putting me in a position to feel uncomfortable. This time her nostrils flared and she started shaking her finger at me telling me she is "not that person anymore"....lol...she looked like the old her for a couple of minutes. Not in a bad way

She claims she never got the messages. She doesn't remember ever blocking him, but she didn't keep his number after they broke up. But she also says that there were many things happening at the time he claims to have reached out, and that she just didn't pay attention to any of it as she was terrified of losing me and was fully focused on that. I don't have her old devices and we have changed carriers, so I don't have access to any old messages.

I've been doing pretty good. I don't know why this has knocked me off kilter. I believe WW. But damn...is this sort of thing always going to set me off? 2 steps forward, 1 step back, 1 step forward 3 steps back... And on. And on.

I suppose in general I am trending positive. Maybe I'll soon be at the point I stop thinking of my wife as "WW". I think that will be a good success/milestone.

But damn...is this sort of thing always going to set me off?

Short answer: Yes. Anything that's even just a little bit odd is going to cause your head to tilt, your eyes to narrow, and your brain to go into overdrive.

I think that if I were in your shoes I wouldn't worry too much since there's no evidence that she responded. And you know his BS would be all over it if there was.

Was it a text or email? If it was email, is she pretty good about checking it and keeping her inbox clean? I am NOT and there's a very good chance that there are important emails in my inbox that I've never laid eyes upon. My unread notification on my iPhone shows 13,344 right now. If she's anything like me, believe her! lol

Was it a text or email?

You know what, I didn't clarify with the other BS. I'm pretty certain it was via text. But you are on the money with the unread emails. There are tons in both of our inboxes. I *think* I will try to drop this before it becomes an obsession. I trust WW at the moment. And I trust the other BS to have raked the ex over the coals and turned him inside out and upside down figuring things out. I have gone over WW's texts and emails multiple times over the years and have found nothing suspicious or unexplainable.

I just hate that these things still trigger me. In that sense, I almost miss my aloof/checked-out phase where I didn't give a sh*t.

I

just hate that these things still trigger me. In that sense, I almost miss my aloof/checked-out phase where I didn't give a sh*t.

Welcome to the club Lost.

But damn...is this sort of thing always going to set me off?

Maybe not. From your profile, I' assuming that you rugswept for a lot of years, and you're closer to 4+ years from dealing with this than to the actual end of the As. My experience has been that triggers get less intense and less frequent as time goes on.

I just hate that these things still trigger me. In that sense, I almost miss my aloof/checked-out phase where I didn't give a sh*t.

I suggest, trying, to the extent you can, to reframe. Congratulate yourself for not falling back into rug sweeping mode, or hyper-viligance mode, or whatever mode you use to have back in the aftermath of the A. Fact is that years ago that type of thing you described (the "wait, you never told me AP reached out") would have flipped me the f___ out. Now, like you, I think I would address it somewhat as you did, and I might search old emails to see if it was an email, or I might not. Because, you know, it's not going to send me over the edge either way - as I, like you, trust WH on that end these days.

And, more importantly, IF instead the message was sent recently and WH didn't say anything, I know my reaction would NOT be like it was back in the day. My response would be swift, the trust would be toast, and I would do what I need to do for me and not give 8 million chances blah blah blah. As I know I will be alright - you know it too. Take a big breath and accept you are much further along than you realize! :)

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:28 PM, Thursday, October 17th]