SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,
I am wondering if there is a generic ‘road map’ of recovery/ reconciliation?
I ask this because things like the POLF pop up as things many experience, but they aren’t on most recovery trajectories.
Totally realise that everyone has different time frames, but there seem to be a number of common stages that people mention.
Many thanks.

I don't think in terms of a road map. All I can think of is 'taking responsibility for oneself' and 'being honest with myself and others.' When I notice I'm feeling flat, it's up to me to do something to change. I believe my W does the same. It's often difficult to figure out how to do that, and sometimes external events elicit an effective change, but we are usually in charge of using our power.

One of the problems with the roadmap idea is that people heal on different schedules and in different order. That is, healing from being betrayed is a lot like healing from grief. There are a few models of healing from the loss of a loved one, but the path isn't necessarily linear.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:12 PM, Friday, October 11th]

I don't know how typical it is, but I guess I'll give my experience and not try to use the 5 stages (of grief), but I will include the shit sandwich.

1) My situation is special and unique, of course the advice helps, but I need to take some exceptions because (cope). In this phase we are not ready to accept all the advice of people that have actually gone on the full ride. You have been served your shit sandwich. You believe your shit sandwich isn't as bad as others. It has lettuce and tomatoes and is served on artisan bread.

2) The worlds shittiest roller coaster/limbo. The motto here is "recovery is non-linear". You will feel things go forward and backward, progress is hard to come by, you are emotionally fatigued constantly. Hysterical bonding will happen here. You have maybe taken one big bite of the shit sandwich, and think you can handle it. But each bite is worse than the last. How big is this sandwich anyway?

3) The breaking point. You realize the shitty roller coaster ride is something you need off of. You take some *decisive action* to change the course of R or choose to D. It is not until this point you can "let go of the outcome". You will have received the advice before but you will not have been able to understand or implement it. This is a good time to revisit the advice you thought didn't apply to your "special and unique" situation. Your shit sandwich isn't finished yet, but you recognize that it's pretty much the same as everyone else's. You understand what is left, and have a plan to get through it.

4) PLOF. No more hysterical bonding. After having executed the change at the breaking point, you leave the constant emotional effort behind. This relative emotional calm gives you more time to think about what has happened. You can intellectually bask in the unfairness of the affair. You can bring it up to your WS, and they will support you in your feelings, but like, it isn't going to fix it. You are full but there are just a couple bites left on your plate. You are kinda pushing them around and not quite finishing.

5) R forever. This phase might not be forever. I am only ~5 years in and probably only 3 years past the PLOF. Here you are happy in life and generally satisfied with your relationship. You understand that your marriage is likely not permanent because you made peace with that at the breaking point. You know what you need, what you will and won't tolerate. There is still some effort, but the A is not a common conversation anymore. It doesn't consume your free time and thoughts anymore. You trust (2.0, not naive dumb trust that you will never have again) your partner and believe them to be a safe parter. Congratulations, you have eaten the shit sandwich. But you are sure you won't eat another.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:30 PM, Friday, October 11th]

There is no roadmap to healing. Some heal fully, some don’t snd done are middle of the road. Based in experience here are my observations:

Cheaters who truly want to Reconcile do everything possible to make amends. They take accountability for their choices and commit to the betrayed and marriage/relationship.

Cheaters who are not all in, but pretend they are after Dday will typically show their hand within 60 days. They start being shady and sneaky and going back on agreed boundaries or agreements they made with the betrayed.

Serious serial cheaters who are gaslighting the betrayed with the love bombing are typically unable to maintain more than a very short period of time with monogamy.

The betrayeds who have the ability to walk out of the destruction, based on my time here at SI, are those who focused on their healing and children first. Then they focused on the cheater snd marriage.

In many cases the decisions were made by the cheater about the future because the cheating did not stop.

In many cases the healed betrayed spouse emerges a stronger person after surviving this trauma.

Every healing journey is unique but the one thing we have in common is that we MUST put ourselves first at some point.

I agree with others there is no road map but you must travel the journey. It is full of forks in the road, hills, valleys and a dry desert. There is a part where you see things clearer and the anger is eating at you, anger at yourself for staying, anger that they get away with it. There is a point that you start to "accept" that you cannot go back and make it not happen.

Then comes a time that was hard for me but necessary, it's letting go of some of the baggage, you head out on the healing journey with a lot of baggage, its best to process feelings and triggers and leave them on the road. I was so afraid of rug sweeping that I carried junk for too long. I started to feel better with and my W but there is this panic that I was getting comfortable "I should be doing something, I need to look at the evidence again!!" I stopped looking at it, I knew it forward and backwards, I had squeezed every detail I needed out of it. Rug sweeping is to never take the journey and store the junk, it will come back and haunt you, healing is to process and discard it.

Then comes a level up period, maintaining a M and home while recovering is like riding 2 bikes at the same time. My W would walk on eggshells, afraid to burn dinner or make a mistake like forgetting milk at the store. She would panic, cry and apologize, I hated feeling like a dictator. I had to assure her that I would not leave her for anything non infidelity related. I wanted to know when she disagreed or was annoyed with something, I want honest communication (careful what you wish for, lol).

All of that to say it will be 2 steps forward and 1 step back for a long time, there are no short cuts on the journey.

Thank you all for your detailed and thoughtful contributions which all make so much sense.
Totally understand the non-linear journey. What a bummer it all is.
Thanks again.

It is a non-linear and personal journey. But we see phases often enough that most people experience.
* The shell-shock right after DDAY.
* rage and anger - sometimes show up around 6 months or so when the shock starts to wear off.
* Depression - around year 2 when the adrenaline wears off and the reality sinks in
* POLF - when you are exhausted from all the effort to date and feel blah. This may require concerted effort to pull yourself out of - like leaving baggage behind.

But everyone is different, you may loop back around on a couple of these, and there are optimistic positive times in there too.

The phrase roller coaster is most apropos.

Good luck on your journey!