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Talking with my wife Monday night after our MC session I was pissed off so I asked would you take a polygraph test. She paused for a couple of seconds and said if you thought it would help but I am concerned about it reading a false positive. The second part of that sentence caught my ear. Is it possible? Yes

I explained to her I would give her a list of questions that she would answer on paper and then the examiner would pick random questions to ask so now I'm looking to compile a list of questions. Suggestions?

I don't want the questions strictly centered around the affair I discovered back in april, I want questions that go back through our history such as have you ever had physical contact with another man that your husband does not know about? Or have you communicated in a way with another man that you would not do so in front of your husband?

First question I would ask is if she is purposefully withholding information from you.

Complete written timeline before hand.

"Is the provided timeline accurate and complete without intentional omissions to the best of your recollection?"

Examiner will help on wording.

"Have you had any other sexual or romantic interactions with other men that you haven't disclosed?

Something like this for beyond the A.

You are on the right track.

EDIT TO ADD:

Regarding a false positive: this is a risk worth considering compared to your baseline trust level.

My research previously (sorry no link at the moment, and I'm feeling a bit lazy) was about 5% (indicates deception when there is none) with further inconclusive results adding to that number. But we can sort of cleanly assume 95% correct reading 5% false reading.

We must apply Bayes' theorem (which is a bit complicate an I'll skip the math).

If you are 95% sure she has already told you the full truth, then a positive is going to set you close to 50/50 that she is lying (because there is a 5% chance it returns positive * 95% prior she wasn't lying and a 95% chance it returns positive * 5% prior that she was lying). A negative will move your confidence to about 99% sure of the truth. It still won't be 100%.

If you are 50/50 now that you have the truth, you get much better efficacy. Where you would move up to 95% sure she isn't lying if it was negative, but would be about 95% sure she is lying if it was positive

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 8:11 PM, Thursday, October 10th]

Probably way too late to this thread seeing as the test was last Monday.
How did it go?

What I would have warned you about is that the test needs to have a purpose. If your wife passes – that purpose is that you need to accept you have the truth (in the main parts) and move on a bit. If she fails – you need to accept that she isn’t being truthful and that says she doesn’t trust you with the truth AND THAT means reconciliation isn’t feasible.
This is not a test you do weekly until she passes. It should preferably be a one-off chance to establish if its safe for YOU to aim at reconciliation.

I have not generated my list of questions yet, I was hoping to receive more suggestions as to the questions to ask

Keep in mind what the poly does and does NOT do.
It doesn’t measure truth – rather it measures honesty. Big difference.
If your wife truly believed in Santa she would pass with "true" is asked if Santa gave her that bracelet last Christmas.
It works best (some even say solely) when dealing with factual issues. Like if you asked her if she loved the OM her answer might be irrelevant because she is basing her answer on how she recalls she might have felt some months ago.
It can be tough on detail. Like if you ask did you meet OM 4 times she might fail because she’s recalling and counting in her mind and fail either because she says "no" since it was 5 times, or because of the delay. Keep it to yes and no and relatively broad strokes.
Chances are the operator will limit you to 4-5 questions, and he should go over and organize the wording of the questions. The operator should eliminate questions that aren’t ideal for poly’s.

For example (and I am creating examples, not referring to your situation): Did you enjoy sex with OM would probably be eliminated since it’s more emotional than factual. Did you have sex (as we defined sex earlier on) with OM would definitely make it to the list.

On YOUR list you can have as many questions as you want. The list you want your wife to answer. However – be aware that the operator will skip past the non-factual, yes/no questions and hopefully focus on key yes/no factual questions.
You could build your list to get a clear view on how it started (but frankly – who initiated might be unclear UNLESS he/she directly asked the other if they wanted to cross some line).
You could build your list to learn a timeline. When did this start, when did it end, when was last contact. Do you two interact socially at work. Do you talk about non-work related issues. If so then when last time and about what. When is the last time you talked, when is the last time you two talked about the affair or sexted?
You could ask pertinent questions like "did you ever meet in person to do things relevant to the sexting"(this question might answer if they ever talked in person about it – possibly without any physical aspect), "did you two ever have any form of intimate contact and if so what?" (you might add that touching, grabbing an ass, petting... all is "intimate", as well as the obvious kissing, making out and sex). "Did you and OM ever have sex, and if so was it oral, mutual gratification, PIV sex..."
You could ask things relevant to the marriage. Are you committed to the marriage. Do you want to reconcile.

From your list you might have 20-40 questions that you expect her to answer. She doesn’t know what will be asked at the poly. You emphasize that the poly is both for you and for her – that if she passes you can move on and feel safer, but if she fails it indicates she doesn’t trust you, and without that trust there is no moving on. Make that 100% clear to her, that a failure will move you further from the marriage and any hope of reconciliation. If she starts talking about false positives and reliability... you start talking about her being honest and letting the technology do it’s thing.

From that list the operator will see what you really want to and need to know. For example: If your wife says that they never had any sex or physical contact of any form then before the test he will make certain she understand the definition of "physical intimacy" (or whatever phrase he uses).
He might focus the 3-5 questions down to:
Other than WB1340 have you been physically intimate with any man since xx.xx.xx (marriage day for example).
Have you been physically intimate with OM
Since XX.XX.XX have you had any non-work related interaction with OM.

Of course, the questions will be totally different if she admits beforehand to intimacy.

If she passes the above... Then you know she’s being honest on some key-issues. If she’s honest there, you can allow yourself she’s honest on other issues.

One thing to think about, her stated concern about a false positive could have been a way for her to protect a lie. If she doesn't intend to tell the truth, raising the question about false positives a head of time is a way to set up an explanation. She can say, "I told you I was worried these things were unreliable."

In general I think a poly is worth while, but they are not without their problems. Ask several very pointed questions, the odds that you would get a 'false positive' on all of them is very low.

I really like the idea of getting a time line then asking questions based on that. Things like was there physical contact not discussed on the time line? Did you have any in person met ups not discussed on the time line. Was there sexual contact (as previously defined) not presented on the time line. Asking questions about a time line lets you cover a lot of ground in a few questions and it is a very specific thing to ask about. She writes the timeline so she will be clear on what is in it and what is not. The time line doesn't have to be only about the sexting issues.

[This message edited by Lostinmarriage at 9:38 PM, Tuesday, October 15th]

With your complete timeline from her, your two most important questions should be,
"Is your timeline truthful"
"Has there been any sexual contact with any other person not included in your timeline"

I understood that the Poly questions will be available to WS ahead of time, assuming I go thru his CSAT's recommendation. This is fine with me. Not trying to sabotage. I don't assume he's lying, but I have no foundation of trust anymore. Since it could go either way, I have to move forward with it. It seemed to blindside him, but not in a 'I'm dishonest' way, more of a 'This is a thing?' There's more in that crap conveyor I can't unpack yet...

I think Yes or No or simple answer questions will get the best data.

@Bigger Thanks for the guiding words here. I've brought this up with my wife (WS) and she is pretty reluctant, having already told me a story and short timeline that she says is honest. She says that she fears a "false result" from the. Poly. Good info from you on question crafting. I'm just starting to put some together.

Yeah, the polys I've taken have started with the operator basically asking me the questions.

For example, almost everybody violates company policies, so the honest answer to 'have you violated your company's policies?' has to be 'yes.' In the pretest conversations I've had, the operators probed a little. I copped to my own violations, so the actual test question was, 'Other than the violations you've talked about, have you violated company policies?'

WB1340

I might be turning into your least-wanted, but best-intended posters on your story.
I wasn’t sure where to post this since you have a couple of threads but I hope you see and read this here:

I am going to make an assumption. That assumption might be wrong, and if it is then correct me. But my assumption – based on what you have shared – is that if you could you want to reconcile.
That assumption is based amongst other things on the simple facts that you two are attending MC, you haven’t filed, you are trying to control the situation (which is a lot like trying to herd cats) and you are still searching for the truth, as if you need more info.

I’m going to offer you hope. A path that might lead you two onwards to reconciliation. I truly think this suggestions beats what I see as a dead-end approach you are trying to use now.

I think you have a recoverable situation if the truth is close to the "truth" you have now.
That "truth" is the key. The future of any reconciliation for you is based on you accepting what happened, and to do that you ideally need to know what happened. As-is you have doubts, therefore the thread about the poly. (Note acceptance isn’t the same as condoning or being OK with something – it’s simply exactly what the words say: accept it happened).

Now – From what you have shared they had a relationship that started with flirting and relatively benevolent comments (I have complemented my coworkers for a new hairstyle or nice clothes, and there is no sexual, flirting or any such intent). This progressed to more direct sexual/romantic content, but you havent shared to what extent. You don’t have to – share what you feel safe with. But I’m assuming it was somewhere between comments about a nice outfit, possibly how someone looked hot and maybe stopping just short of direct phone-sex/online sex.
It clearly went beyond a border – but based on what she has shared and you know then maybe short of direct physical contact.

OK – Let’s assume this is likely. Note I don’t say "true" – but likely. Let’s assume you have something like 90% truth.

I absolutely HATE quantifying infidelity. EA’s are no less infidelity than a multi-AP public sex-romp. But... as far as infidelity goes then if this is the extent of her cheating... you might have caught it early on and in a relatively "mild" place. It might be that this was "only" sexting, that it never went physical. I really want to emphasize that I am not minimizing, but maybe evaluating if you are in a "better" place to reconcile from. Sort of like being stabbed once might sound "milder" than being stabbed 10 times. Doesn’t really make much difference though as you lay there bleeding out though...

I believe in frank and open conversation.
I think that’s the key to you maybe reaching a place where you and your wife MIGHT reconcile.
This is how I would approach it with her:
Openly reveal your wish to reconcile, but also your fear that if you have any doubts at all – you can’t. YOU NEED THE TRUTH. Even if that truth is more or worse than whatever she already shared. Tell her that if she answers your questions and then passes the polygraph, then it’s on YOU to believe you have truth to the level you can progress.
Tell her that learning NOW they made out or whatever might make reconciliation harder for you, but THINKING that maybe they made out or had sex or whatever will make reconciliation IMPOSSIBLE for both of you. Especially if she’s carrying a secret.

Be open about how hard it will be IF you don’t feel like you have the truth. Tell her that you question if she can remain at her place of employment, that you are fearful every minute she’s there and that at least knowing she’s being honest can help you deal with that. Make it clear to her that maybe the biggest risk in failing a poly is that it confirms she doesn’t trust YOU. That would make reconciliation impossible, even more so than learning now some sordid detail.

Then ask your questions. Basically a timeline, and some key questions. You might have to add new questions as you go along. But get your key doubts out of the way.

Imagine this scenario: As a cop you might have to question a person that has done something terrible. Like imagine a sex-offender... You absolutely HATE what he did and what he’s sharing... but there at that time that’s not your role or goal. You want the truth, and to get the truth you might hold back on YOUR emotions or thoughts. For now you want the truth... You can decide your response once you have digested AND confirmed the truth. That’s why you are going to sit there, ask questions and not respond in any extreme or emotional way. She shares that they went to a sex-club... you just nod your head... for now.

Once you have the questions then compile a list where the questions are clearer to you. Maybe 20 questions remembering what I shared on the other thread about what the poly is good at. Talk to the operator and go over the list with him. He should be able to see the key factors you are interested in, and he will then select his 3-5 questions based on that.

Then base your next steps on the result...
The operator can give a confidence indicator. Like if she fails a question the operator can give the failure a "grade". If the grades are low enough (indicating doubt) then maybe be open to another test in a week. If high... friend – if you aren’t ready to accept the results then skip the test...

But I repeat: Your best chance of reconciling is from the truth. Truth is the key.

Think ahead of time how you will respond to he answers. Assuming the poly says she is truthful, then there are two outcomes:
- she is truthful that what she has told you is what happened
- she is truthful but you find out more happened (confession)

If you promise to thank her for the truth no matter what it is, you are more likely to get the truth. Not saying you will stay married, but that you value honesty as its own thing. Whatever it is.

The poly potentially offers her a gift. The truth will set her free.