SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is totally a rant post!

Since the summer of 2021 my relationship with my in-laws has not been the same. Since this time, I have "tolerated" them and put on a face when I have to see them (luckily they live in a different province so I don’t see them much - we’re in Canada). Likewise, they do the same, put on a face and pretend like things are amazing. I’ve mentioned this several times to my WH over these past few years, he assures me that "they love me." 🙄

D-Day was 7 months ago and I have not received any sort of acknowledgement on their end about what their son has done to his family. Not even a text saying "hey, thinking of you and the kids, we’re in utter shock, let us know if we can be of support" - literally nothing … NOTHING. After 4 months from Dday I received my first contact via text from my MIL "thanking me" for her birthday present - ugh, wtf … you know damn well I had nothing to do with that, I didn’t even extend a happy birthday. She sent me the same message on behalf of my FIL for his birthday in March. Then sent me some bullshit Mother’s Day message (which I still have yet to read/open). Obviously, I returned the favour and didn’t acknowledge these messages. Rugsweeping at its finest - we will just sit here in the next province over and pretended things are fine, wait a little bit until things "blow over" there.

I’m extremely disappointed and disgusted by them and their lack of response/care/empathy to something so profoundly life shattering. They have taken my hatred of them to a whole other level.

They have minimally (and I mean minimally) talked about the A with their son and/or what it has done to his family. Initially when the A first came out they had like a 30 minute phone conversation Ironically enough, they had a trip booked to visit the week after Dday and decided to still come. My WH took the kids and they visited with them in a hotel for the weekend - he said they talked about it a little bit, but it was hard because the kids were there (no shit).

Over the course of these past 7 months they have maybe talked about the A 2 or 3 times - nothing in great detail from what I gather. They don’t ask us how we’re doing, how counselling is/if it’s helping, how they can offer us support … NOTHING. It’s just unbelievable. The conversation via text and calls between them has dwindled significantly - it’s more like awkward, acquaintance type talk now. They had their son on this pedestal for such a long time and now the perfect image they had of him is ruined - this gives me great satisfaction (thought your son was the perfect husband and father, think again losers)m

My parents on the other hand have continued to show up for me, my children and even for my WH. They continue to treat him with respect and care and try their best to support US in anyway they can - truly blessed to have them as my parents.

My mom and I are close and we have talked about my in-laws responses to all of this and she is just as dumbfounded as me. She told me to not "cave" and stand my ground, unlike a few years ago. I told her that if the time ever comes where I get to speak my truth to them that I wouldn’t even know where to start and I couldn’t see it going/ending well.

My WH knows exactly where I stand when it comes to them and that I’m not bending on it. I honestly think that no matter if there is a "happy ending" for me and him that so much damage has been done by my in-laws that I don’t want them apart of my life (ironically enough my WH didn’t have a relationship with his dads parents due to my MIL).

I just can’t believe how people can play pretend to this level of extremity.

Your in-laws suffer from a disease called nihilum deduces sub pallio

Another possibility is that they could be feeling a lot of shame, and don't know how to broach the subject with you.

It's like my BS could have written this.

My parents have acknowledged the A but it seems that for sime reason they just dont pick up the phone to try and reach out to my BS to either apologise for the way they spoke and handled the situation or scold me for my actions and treatment of my family. I know some of this is down to my handling of the A at the time by having them not speak to her and to paint her as the problem not me (at this point no one knew what I was doint) so then when it did come out they still adopted that same shit but they still havent stepped up for her or the kids.

Shame I think is a good starting block but for my parents I just think ignorance and a lack of understanding is to blame plus I'm their son so they are seemingly just biased

It's really a challenging situation to be in and I hope they can see some sense at some p point

My experience as a BS is both similar and different, heightened by a bit of a language barrier.

I suspect my ILs felt a huge amount of shame / disappointment when my now-XWH told them about his infidelity. Knowing how they are, I very much doubt that the conversation went much further than ‘we’re having problems because she found out that I’ve cheated. You cannot visit right now’. XWH said that his parents were leaving it for us to work though. However, while we tried to R MIL did have a conversation with me where she asked me to forgive him. She cried and, in a strange way, seemed to blame herself.

Other than that, my ILs have treated me as if nothing’s changed. I’m still the mother of their (only) grandchildren, they are civil if I bump into them when dropping the children off. In the months after D Day I felt like they should somehow ‘punish’ him for what he had done to his family, but as time passed I realised that was an unfair expectation. They are his parents, and he will always come before me. It is not their job to heal me. As long as they are respectful of me as the mother of their grandchildren I will be fine.

RocketRaccoon

I definitely think they have immense shame and embarrassment from what he’s done. I mean I wasn’t expecting much, just some sort of message expressing care and concern. In my books their behaviour is just as disturbing as his.

Tinytim

Initially my WH told them the reason he did what he did was because of the state of our marriage. Be that as it may, in the very beginning of discovery he put a strong emphasis on that as a "why." While I can agree that our marriage was complete shit I didn’t cheat, therefore, his decision to cheat was not due to our marriage, but to a choice made by him. Unfortunately, because of this initial "reasoning" that he provided to his parents, they consider this a marital problem where I also contributed to his A and I don’t think they see it as his fault. They are totally biased because it’s their son, they would rather back him then back me (I get it). Just like you mentioned, shame, ignorance, lack of understanding etc is where they sit and for some reason I just don’t see them ever owning up to the fact that they went about this in completely the wrong way. Even if they did have some sense slapped into them, I just don’t think that would be enough.

Perdita

My WH isn’t a very detail oriented guy either. He’s given his "coles notes" version to his parents because he’s also ashamed of what he’s done. His parents, in particular his mom, despises cheating, so I can only imagine how she feels knowing her son has done it to his own family. I think that’s their hope, we will work it out or not (I feel like they hope we don’t). They haven’t seen their only granddaughters since October and I think they are waiting for an "invite" here - what’s that say … when hell freezes over.

Soooooo my parents (my own loving parents) acted the same way. No call. No check in. No how’s it going?

I was told to get my act together and figure it out. That’s code for we are not interested in helping you or hearing about it. They have NEVER asked me anything.

Soooo regarding the in laws HW23, in this case, did you tell them yourself? If not, who knows WHAT lie or lies they were fed. They could have been told it was your fault. 🤪

Some people believe they need to mind their own business. Others believe you support your family no matter what in any way you can.

Clearly you are asking his parents to "take a side". You want them to be angry and mad at him. Well maybe they are but they just don’t discuss it. Or maybe they aren’t b/c it’s not their circus so to speak.

In the grand scheme of things you have more to worry about than the in-laws. I would accept who they are and not continue the animosity. You should not expect people to give you what they don’t have.

My mother in law was horrific to me. To her dying day I was never mean or rude. I always tried to keep the peace even when she shunned me. Tried to destroy my marriage. Spread lies and gossip about me to the family.

I refused to be like her. I also refused to live my life fighting with her. That was her life. Not mine.

Try to find some peace in your life. The ILs are not going to support you. It’s sad. It’s unfair. But for your own happiness you should try to move on and leave it in the past.

The1stWife

I don’t understand how something so "big" can seemingly go unacknowledged. I couldn’t imagine my parents ignoring such a profound event and not being supportive, there to listen or offer advice.

I did not tell them. I told my WH that he was responsible for sharing that news with them. He did. Called them within an hour of the initial blow-up. I know right outta the gate he said the reason he cheated was because of "our marriage" - while I agree that our marriage had become an extremely toxic, lonely place … I didn’t cheat. He’s never put direct blame on me, but he blamed "us" - it took a few weeks for him to see that it was his choice and not a "we" thing. Since those in risk days he has definitely taken ownership of that and 100% owns his choice.

I’m sure their silence is extreme shame, mixed with embarrassment … however, your son and family are going through some pretty intense shit right now and I can’t even get a text saying "thinking of you" … I mean, when he told his sister she sent me a text acknowledging what was going on and I responded and appreciated that she was thinking and "cheering" for us.

Knowing them … if I would of been the cheater, they would be wanting to move mountains for him and would probably feed him with "you deserve better" speeches. However, because it happens to be their son having done the dirty work they have not only chosen
to ignore me, but they don’t have him on a pedestal anymore. They maybe talk to him once a month and that’s because he reaches out to them, they don’t text/call him (not even to keep in touch with their only grandchildren, which shocks me).

You know, I was never wanting them to pick a side, just to show some support. And by support I mostly mean to their son who could really use some. There is a whole whack load of interesting things I’ve been learning about my WH and stuff that he is finally acknowledging and connecting the dots with - one being he felt abandoned by his parents once he became a young adult. I told him that he needed to have a serious heart to heart with them, but he’s not the greatest (he’s gotten better) about articulating his feelings, but that he thinks they are just a lost cause and they wouldn’t take kindly to it. Sigh.

You’re right. I do have more things to worry about and put my effort into and for the most part I do. Maybe one day it will be hashed out, maybe not. I know I have the support from my family, and my WH and I are on the same page when it comes to my in-laws.

Let me try to "explain" my parents.

My godparents were BFFs with my parents for 50+ years. Saw them practically every week of my life. Sadly my godfather passed away in the late 90s.

From that moment on, they never saw my aunt - my godmother. No dinner invites or get together or coffee. Just dropped her like a hot potato.

Why? No idea. My only guess it was "too painful" for them.

And she’s not the only one on the receiving end of this behavior from my parents.

One of my sisters was cheated on in a 7 year relationship that ended terribly. She was miserable for a year or more. During my H’s affair she acted EXACTLY like my parents.

No sympathy or support. Just "get over it" and move on. Don’t talk to me about your problems or devastation. And she was a betrayed too!

Luckily for me I had an amazing therapist AND an excellent support network. My neighbor and friend really helped and listened. Sadly she died a few years ago but I cherish the support she provided.

When the chips are down you learn who your people are. At the time of dday2 my SIL passed away unexpectedly (not even 50). My brother in his grief picked up the phone and called me. Just days after the worst time in his life. I will never forget that.

Of 4 siblings, he was the ONLY one. The rest are just like my parents. Good people who are missing a chip or gene or something lol.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:12 AM, Thursday, May 23rd]

I mean I wasn’t expecting much, just some sort of message expressing care and concern.

Not defending them, only just giving an alternative view.

They may not know how to deal with it. Their shame might have put them into a 'flight' mode, and like creatures who 'play dead' when threatened, they are 'playing dead' and hoping that the uncomfortable thing will pass them by.

This post reminds me of the song by James Taylor "You’ve Got A Friend".

The line "all you’ve got to do is call and I’ll be there.."

Oh hell sometimes you shouldn’t have to call. People should just be there when they know you are going through a hard time.

Just my two cents.

I mentioned in another post my father passing away. People start crawling out of the woodwork to offer condolences: stopping by, cards, flowers, email, texts, social media, people you haven’t seen in years.

Infidelity…forget it. In my case literally everyone in both our places of work, in our whole small town and in both our extended families knew (because it blew up publicly-at his office). All I heard was crickets. His parents, my parents zip.

A few close friends offered support when I reached out to them. but no support was offered initially.

I think people are just terrified and would rather not touch the issue with a hundred foot pool.

It is so sad for BSes. My grief over my dad was like a 4 or a 5 whereas my devastation over the infidelity was like a 1000 on a 10 point scale. But you get no support.

I’m sorry you did not get the support you deserved.

The1stWife

Clearly the way people handle trauma is not a one size fits all approach - I’m learning this. I’m happy you were still able to find a support system through all of what you went through. There is definitely something missing "upstairs" that’s for sure lol

That song definitely is fitting. More than anything I want them to be there for their son. I have a huge support system rallying around me and he has nobody. Like nobody.

RocketRaccoon

I definitely can appreciate an alternative view. I think nobody truly knows how to navigate infidelity, whether you’re the one dealing directly with it or that of an outsider trying to look in. My situation with them is kinda complex since we had (what I thought anyway) a very wonderful relationship, then one day a flip switched and they became very spiteful of me and it’s been a "playing pretend" game with them for the past few years. I think their choice of continuing to play pretend is a trigger for me and I can no longer pretend like things are ok. Things are so far from ok.

StillConfused2022

Thank you for sharing. I didn’t realize how "seemingly "common" it is for your own "blood" to not give two shits about something so devastating. I understand why nobody wants to talk about it, it’s an hard and ugly thing to discuss … but I feel like that’s life, talking sometimes about hard and ugly things. I’m also sorry you never received the support during such an atrocious time. Another injustice of infidelity.