Hey RecklessForgiver --
I don't know if that makes sense to others, but once I found my way to this framework, it was possible to start laying down a lot of the pain I was carrying.
It makes perfect sense -- this was my path back, both for healing myself and then helping my wife to rebuild the M.
We often think of staying and reconciling as a sign of weakness, but after spending the day rereading all my letters and texts to WS, I am very confident that I have not sacrificed my integrity in staying.
Nothing weak about it.
I think whether people R or D, we need a great deal of strength to heal properly.
And we agree exactly about personal integrity.
I held up my end of the deal, I kept my vows, I know I can look at myself in the mirror and KNOW I did my best, regardless of the outcome.
As to This0is0Fine's point:
But most people have to recalibrate themselves to choose R and it isn't a minor change in mindset.
That's also a big part of moving forward. Honestly, I never knew R was an option before finding this forum. Someone cheats, you move on, period, end of story.
Which gets me back to recognizing another of your points RF:
In choosing to reconcile and give him a chance to try to reclaim the parts of himself he lost or destroyed by his own self-destructive, I am choosing a path of forgiveness because it is what is most healing for me and for us. I am responding to his betrayal with compassion, and that makes the imbalance even greater.
This is the part so few of us ever find.
Infidelity is as unfair as it gets, even if we have little or nothing to do with the broken bits of our spouses. Forgiving what is understandably 'unforgivable' for so many people is a very powerful thing.
Some WS can sense that 'true' forgiveness and in turn, be grateful for the opportunity to rebuild themselves and the relationship. At least that's the short version of what happened with my R.
That said, I guess I may not understand the extra word "radical" to the word acceptance. Maybe I'm an old school linguist or an old fashioned romantic, but acceptance IS acceptance, you either do or you don't accept your partner as they are. I find most healthy relationships are built on acceptance.
Acceptance doesn't mean infidelity is okay by me, it means I understand what my wife did and yet, I still found a way back to love her.
I will always hate the A. No reason for me to be happy about the destruction it caused. I find I can also be proud of the adversity we have overcome at the same time.