SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dang, after all these years I thought I was done posting here but apparently not. This is the only place I feel safe sharing my feelings.

My wonderful DH (#2), my DD and I just moved. Today my DH found a small locked box that we had tossed in with cleaning supplies when we emptied the old garage. Since we didn’t have a key, he just broke the lock. Inside was a handwritten letter to XH from another man. This man, whose name I never heard in the 26 years we were together, wrote about what an incredible person XH was and how he was "fulfilled" by him and loved him so deeply. He mentioned XH’s age in the letter which means it was written 32 years ago. After we were together for over 10 years already and a couple years before DD was born. I didn’t think there was anything about that could still rattle me after all these years but I guess I was wrong.

The year prior to our divorce it was clear to me that, although he was having an affairs with other women, he was really enamored with a gay man. I must admit that as I reflected on the past, I wasn’t all that surprised.

This letter though really threw me for a loop. I feel shaken and ill. Were all 26 years together a lie? What else did he hide? I can’t even begin to imagine. Or maybe I can. I just feel sick and want to cry but I can’t. My supportive DH told me to "let it go" and it’s history, so to not upset him I’m not talking about…much. Which is why I’m here. I’m not looking for sympathy. I think I just need a place to vent.

Thank you for listening.

I'm so sorry. I'm sure that was awful to discover more secrets kept from you. It's disturbing to share a life with someone and think you know them and then learn you really didn't. It makes you examine and wonder about all your time spent together. It's horrible to betray someone that way.

Be kind to yourself!!

I think your reaction is completely normal. It resurrected old feelings that have been buried deep down inside. The only thing to do now is to feel those feelings and process that and let it go. Yes, your ex wayward spouse was and a cheat but you have a new relationship with a kind person. And maybe is the best silver lighting you could possibly get.

I’m sorry that that little remnant appeared and caused you pain. Take good care of yourself..

It is very kind of you to think of your present husband. But I would gently suggest that you let him in on your suffering. You don’t want there to be a hole in your openness with him. And it could even strengthen your present marriage more… For him to know that he was a part of getting through this latest punch in the face.

So sad you have been dealt a blow that supports the idea that "Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving". So glad you have the support around you that you do.

Asshattery - the gift that keeps on giving.

It’s like they can continue to gaslight you forever. This is part of the reason it was so easy for me to let go of cards, etc saved from WS - I just feel like none of it was true, and even if it was true in his mind at the moment, I’ll never know, which devalues all of it.

I’m sorry this happened. It just sucks. And you can’t even yell at him about it.

" - the gift that keeps on giving.

It’s like they can continue to gaslight you forever"

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so undeserved and what they did was on them and their brokenness. Aside from protecting my physical health during these times, I also have found it important for me to care for my mental health and get counseling. My local domestic abuse and sexual violence networks serve survivors of infidelity and they have trauma-sensitive counselors which have been really helpful to me in the past.

Was it all a lie?

I think when I read your message this is probably the part that stood out the most.

It’s stinging it’s a new trauma that’s happening today not in the long time ago past. But what’s happening is that it’s rewriting (again) your history, your story as you know it.

You will never know everything about his mind and affairs to enable you to feel secure. It’s finding that peace knowing that there will be more but it’s not important because you already know you don’t want him.

Be kind to yourself. Feeling safe only here is ok. You need somewhere to download it. We all come here for a reason and there are thousand of us.

Your husband is certainly wanting you to heal,and be ok. As a BS, you know the dangers of rugsweeping your feelings. That "faking it" doesn't heal you. His intentions are good, but pretending won't help anyone.

Tell him that. And ask him to support you through this. It's not about loving the ex. It's not even about him at all. These feelings are yours. You need to be able to feel them,talk about them, process them,and only then, can you let them go.

I'm so sorry this happened. Again. Be forever thankful that you are no longer with that person, and you have a wonderful husband who wants you to be happy.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:14 PM, Tuesday, January 23rd]