SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

4 years past D day and still not healed or feeling safe. Found myself thinking about what IC said a few years ago about me having married " insensitive cave man" and I am now wondering if that’s true.

My WH just cannot seem to grasp how much he has hurt me and lacks the empathy to see its his actions that will help me trust him again. He has been spending money on me and telling me how attractive he finds me and I struggle to get him to see that these things are nice however just not what I need from him. It also makes me cynical as I question if he is actually trying to cover up continuing his A. Why will he not meet my needs?

He struggles with facing his own flaws and I am acutely aware no responsibility means no change or does he just not understand how devastating this is to BS.

I question if he loves me still and he gets really offended by this. Again if your covering up that is a brilliant tactic to shut someone down. Do people show love in different ways? Surely discussing A and trying to understand someones pain is what most people would understand is required?

My WH just cannot seem to grasp how much he has hurt me and lacks the empathy to see its his actions that will help me trust him again.

Is his lack of empathy limited to the A or does it show up elsewhere in his behaviour? 4 years is a long time to still not be getting it.

Emergent8, its shows up in other area’s also. I am noticing it more and more. He just doesn’t recognise others pain unless he has been through it. If you cut yourself or have a broken bones he can see it and he is great. He just cannot relate to emotional pain unless he has experienced it. He seems ashamed of his own fears and will not talk about them and just blanks out stuff.

I have a hard time myself (48 yr old Male) when my partner has "invisible symptoms". I grew up very poor in a very rural area and a lot of my childhood was spent becoming independent and learning to "just rub dirt on it" kind of mentality when you have issues. Granted its a two way street. One of my ex's claimed to have fibromyalgia which did come with a clinical diagnosis and meds. Strange thing though is she never seemed to have an issue with fibro on paydays. So, it can be difficult to navigate real issues from manipulations based on our relationship history.

Survivor24, I get your point totally however him having an A should generate more change than I have seen.

I almost get the impression he thinks if we ignore this it will all just disappear. H affair came to light as AP announced it at ex friend’s wedding. He claims he is no longer seeing her and just doesn’t want to acknowledge the destruction or my pain. Or worse he doesn’t care about me or the fall out. Everyday he tells me he loves me yet nothing really has changed in terms of explanation, timeline or real commitment to helping me heal.

I question if he's genuine and just has derp shame which is what MC thought and she gave me a hard time as I need answers and actions.

Am I being unreasonable asking for the explanation and real change?

Gracey, you can't ask him to be someone that he's not.

Am I being unreasonable asking for the explanation and real change?

I think the real question isn't whether you are being unreasonable, it's whether you are being unrealistic. It is possible for some waywards to reform and grow into more mature, empathetic people. It doesn't happen without a serious commitment to do the work, and some WS are so stubborn, damaged, or genetically challenged by personality disorders that they will never do that work. You are left with the choice between accepting that reality or leaving the relationship.

If a light bulb has a broken filament, it's not going to come on no matter how many times you try to flip the switch.

Bravesirrobin, I understand what your saying and I really want to believe that he is no longer seeing her or just gone underground with it all and that is where I am stuck. If I had definite proof either way then I would be able to make a decision however he just will not be straight with me. No support to actually repair the damage or even proof his A is over just words of its all ok now and can you now just drop it. Transparency is important in any relationship and this is a closed box that he will not let me see inside. His lack of action to make things better is a red flag or is he really trying to cover things up in the hope I will forget about this and he can have his cake etc. It is crazy making because you would think if he wanted AP he eould have gone by now.

Again, as BSR and I said, you can't fundamentally change who is as a person. If 4 years have gone by and he's still rugsweeping and refusing to meet your needs, he's not going to have an epiphany tomorrow and make any fundamental changes. As far as he's concerned, you should be over it by now.

For just a second, assume that the AP is completely out of the picture. Now ask yourself this:

Is this marriage acceptable to you as it currently is? Can you live the rest of your life the way you've lived the past 4 years?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:09 PM, Thursday, January 4th]

You are in the most common R that there is: not good enough to stay, not bad enough to go. The most troubling thing to me is that you keep hoping he will suddenly get it, that you will finally make him see.

Sweetie, when we stay and try to change someone, we are the problem. Because other people are not required to be who we want, need, demand, whatever. He doesn't have to change if he doesn't want to. We are the controlling, codependent, fearful, abandonment phobic problem, not them. You do not know best for another human being.

Him: is who he is.

You: explain your needs.

Him: can't or won't change.

You: exits the R as you know it. THAT is all you can control! You!

Sigh. Yet you keep trying to change him. Are you still in IC?

Reminder: he's happy. It's you who is not. So then it's you who needs to go find her happy (that does not involve trying to control another human).

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:41 PM, Thursday, January 4th]

Owningitnow, No I gave up on IC as they kept saying everything I was feeling was normal under the circumstances.

He claims he is with me for him and not me. He has also said he is really going to need me when his very elderly parents die and I just feel like he is taking and taking without any thing coming my way. I don’t seem to be able to do the 180 as he just gets super angry when I stop being there for him. I don’t mind that he is selfish in other ways however even I draw the line at A’s. I did see a Solicitor about divorce. I think he found out about as he panicked and cried and i ended up not pursuing it.

Its hard to walk away when things used to be good and you have been together over 35 years.

He claims he is with me for him and not me. He has also said he is really going to need me when his very elderly parents die and I just feel like he is taking and taking without any thing coming my way. I don’t seem to be able to do the 180 as he just gets super angry when I stop being there for him.

He says that he's not staying with you out of guilt or obligation, which might make it seem like he cares, but what he's actually saying is that he wants to stay married to you because you have a functional purpose in his life. When you do the 180, he doesn't get pissed off or upset because he feels emotionally disconnected from you; it's because you're not fulfilling your requirements as a reliable wife appliance.

Ultimately, he sees marriage and your role in it as existing solely to serve him. He doesn't see you as your own person with your agency, which is why he is never going to make any effort to meet your needs or repair your relationship in any meaningful way. He will do what he thinks is the bare minimum he needs to do in order to keep you comfortable enough so that you'll continue serve his purpose.

So again I'll ask: is this relationship acceptable to you? Do you want life to continue as it has the past 4 years?

Some people, for whatever reason, just don't have an EQ. He could be on the spectrum, mildly sociopathic, or just really, really thick. My EXWW just did not "get" things unless you walked her through it with a PowerPoint and flow charts. She just was not wired for people stuff.

The real question is, is this version of your WH good enough for the rest of your life? I'm not asking if he is what you can endure, but do you deserve better? This version of him may be as good as it gets.

Is it possible he is on the spectrum?

Gracey, I feel you.
We do have similar situation.
My WH is somewhat like that. He cannot seem to grasp how much he hurt me, how big the impact of his actions and lack of empathy. And yes, he also struggles facing his own flaws and more. Ugh!

I'm so sorry that we have to experience this and both our WH are like this. Know that you are not alone on this and I hope one day they'll realize before its too late.

On the side note, other members who put their input about this does have some point though. It makes me wonder as well if he does really love me or does he just want me because I have a functional purpose in his life like what BluerthanBlue said.

I thank all of you for your insight on this and I am also thinking he may be on a spectrum.

I am trying to remember what he was like when we were younger as when people ask me, I say he was lovely back then and he has changed and then I think was he lovely or did I just not notice.

I was in my early 20,s when we met and he is 7 years older than me. I had a difficult upbringing and he may have just seemed wonderful and I think I was probably more happy then just to go along with whatever because I was smitten. I guess I am now in the light of this, implementing boundaries.

To the response do I want my relationship to look like this in another 4 years, then obviously not, however I am prepared to keep working at it for now.