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I told the spouse and now feel like I should have kept my nose out of their business. Anyone else have regrets? My WH is worried about retaliation from the spouse towards him and the OW. Possibly physical. Should I have kept quiet???

Telling the obs is always the right thing to do.

My WH is worried about retaliation from the spouse towards him and the OW.

First..how lovely that he is worried about her. Talk about adding salt to your wounds.

Second...he wasn't worried when he was having sex with her. Then it was worth the risk.

Anytime anyone involves themselves in an affair with married person, there is a high risk of being caught. He knew this. He's trying to make you feel bad about doing the right thing.

He's still very much a wayward.

You did the right thing and let the consequences fall where they may. He put everyone at risk with his decision to cheat, he has to live with the fallout. See how he isn't concerned for you? He's still selfish and Wayward.

You did the right thing.

The other BS deserves to know he is living a lie.

Actions have consequences.

If the other spouse contacts you for some reason, be gentle and just share facts. That's it.

You did the right thing.

Let's face it - if he was that worried about retaliation, he wouldn't have done it in the first place. Sadly, that is from the Cheater's Handbook - chapter 14 "How to scare my betrayed back into submission and mitigate damage"

I kept quiet after DDay1 for a plethora of reasons, this bullshit being one of many. Except in my case it was fear of retaliation from the bunny boiler of a LTAP. I'll always regret not exposing then. I did expose on DDAy2/3 when I found out they just went underground.

I will never forgive those who knew and did nothing.

It's hard to know what the right thing to do in these circumstances is. Emotions run high. If I were the OP, I'd want to know, for sure. I think you did the right thing.

Possible retaliation? Wasn't that part of the thrill to begin with? The gamble? Well here it is, the result. Or a part of it.

Nah, nah, nah. WH did this, and you protecting him from the the reprecussions of what he did is you protecting their affair. So he's the victim now? Do not fall for it.

Ah, Hellfire’s post nailed it so succinctly.

I also agree on what you did. OBS deserves to know the truth. It took me 2 months to contact the OBS but I am glad I did it.

WH was worried too when he found out I told the OBS. Told him I didn't care and he needs to face any consequences of his actions.

OBS even asked me to meet up with him and bring my WH without him knowing that they will face each other. But we didnt. I declined.

Try not to worry that much (I know its easier said than done) but hang in there and cheer up! You did the right thing. 😊

[This message edited by KiboGaAru at 3:13 PM, Tuesday, December 5th]

Thank you all for this. The spouse has spent tonight sending my WH vaguely threatening messages and I'm just really scared. Scared for my husband, scared for my kids, scared that I've ruined all chance of reconciling. I feel really lost and confused. WH keeps saying he's not mad but that this is going to have repercussions. What if I've made it all worse?

Scared for my husband, scared for my kids, scared that I've ruined all chance of reconciling.

Here it is. This is a big fear of yours.

You are still too early in this, and have not realized your own worth. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. I can guarantee you that if telling the other spouse has weakened your chance to reconcile, than your husband is in no way reconcilable material. If he is, then you telling the other spouse has done nothing more than strengthen your chance. You have shown that morals and boundaries mean more to you than hiding and protecting someone from their natural consequences. Did you notice that NOT ONE person above in your posts disagreed with you informing the OBS?

Obviously, you would like to reconcile, but it is important to ask yourself "at what cost"? Would it be worth it if you had to accept less than what you would expect in a healthy relationship? Never undervalue yourself. If your husband wants to reconcile, and is really sorry for his betrayal, believe me, he will attempt to move mountains for you. He would never hold it against you to live by your own code of ethics.

He's suddenly worried that having sex with another man's wife will upset her husband?

He's a man. He knows how he would feel towards another man,if that man was having sex with you. Trust that he knew that having sex with another man's wife could have repercussions.

If you are scared,call the police. Go to your attorney,and have them send an official no contact letter.

If telling the obs ruined any chance for reconciliation, your reconciliation would have failed eventually.

What you teach a ws, when you aren't honest with all parties involved, is that sometimes its ok to keep affairs secret. A very dangerous thing to teach a ws.

Another option..call the obs,and kindly ask that they leave your family alone,so you can begin to heal,and work on things. Ask them to do this for you, the only person who respected him as a human being who deserved the truth about his wife. Tell him you Understand his anger, because you are just as angry with his wife. But,out of respect for you,the person who showed him the truth,you are asking him to leave your family alone.

Never allow a man who thinks lying and cheating is acceptable, to make you feel as if being honest means you've done something wrong. Your ws knew if her husband found out,he would be very angry towards him. He was fine with that. There were MANY ways he could have found out,other than you telling him. And, actually, you telling the obs was the best possible way, because you have the power to ask the man to tend to his own ws and marriage,and stay away from yours. Had he found out, and then found out you already knew,and no one respected him enough to tell him? That would only add to his anger.

The claim that the other woman’s husband is violent and abusive is probably the second most common claim made by wayward spouses. The most common one is when the wayward wife states that the other man’s wife is mentally unstable and can’t cope with knowing about her husbands affair.

I looked at your other thread on your situation…

We've talked a lot over the last few days and both can recognize that our marriage wasn't in a great place to begin with and a lot of factors that played into that, but he's taking ownership of the decisions he made.

And this:

WH keeps saying he's not mad but that this is going to have repercussions.

Look – he’s implying that the reason he "had" to have an affair are in the marriage… That the reasons he "had" to have an affair are at least partially your fault, and now if reconciling becomes hard then that too is partially your fault…

ANY excuse or apology that has the word "but" in it is meaningless…

Your marriage can survive and you two can reconcile, but it has to be from a position of where your husband totally 100% acknowledges that HE and HE ALONE is accountable for his decision to cheat.
If the marriage was bad, it’s his role to talk about it and demand change. It then becomes your part to discuss the issue and change – or not. If neither budges and the marriage remains so bad that he (or you for that matter) think they need solace elsewhere… well… it’s called divorce and happens a lot.

This is SO important. Now he "had to" cheat because of issues in the marriage. At best "oops… wrong call. Next time I will do something different". His reaction should be more in line with "I destroyed THIS marriage and if I’m lucky and do the work my wife might offer me a new marriage".

If this was in any way the fault of the marriage, or your fault (by default the same…) what happens if your Meatloaf doesn’t taste the way his mom made it? Would that explain flirting with the cute girl next door?

I know you guys are right. I had to blow the up top off the secrecy. All the repercussions are because of what he did, not what I did. It's another layer of pain and complication on our lives. I'm worried about WH's mental health and his ability to come back from this. Now I'm worried he'll get jumped on a parking lot at night or something too. If it continues I will ask the OBS to stop. I get that he's lashing out right now but it can't continue.

I don't even know how this is my life any more. Feels like a bad movie. I should be getting ready for Christmas with my kids. How does anything feel normal again?

I agree he's not ready to R. Over the last couple days I think I had moved into anger and really started to understand and practice the 180. I had told him we would get through Christmas and then he could move out. That's what gave me the courage to contact OBS, thinking that I had accepted the possible end of my relationship. Now I'm back to wanting to reconcile and beg him to forgive me, which I realize is so messed up. I've done nothing that needs forgiveness.

Please don't apologize to him for doing the right thing.

What he is dealing with,are the consequences of his actions. Every ws needs that.

I read this forum for a few years,before I signed up. In all the time I've been here, I can count on one hand the number of BH who physically went after the OM. Many BH want to. Many even threaten it. But they dont,because they don't want to deal with the consequences of THEIR actions.

If he was that scared, he would have already called the police. He hasn't. He wants you to feel sorry for him. He wants to become the victim, so it makes a possibility of reconciliation easier for him.

Stay strong.

Another option..call the obs,and kindly ask that they leave your family alone,so you can begin to heal,and work on things. Ask them to do this for you, the only person who respected him as a human being who deserved the truth about his wife.

If he was that scared, he would have already called the police.

Both of these represent ways of addressing this problem that are out in the light and not utilizing secrecy, a key ingredient of propping up affairs. It’s uncomfortable, but you did the right thing.

Are you in IC?

It sounds like you could really use some support and clarity.

the one common theme I've seen in my 7 years visiting here, is that Reconciliation is essentially a non-starter when a betrayed spouse opts to not inform the OBS--- out of fear or for any other reason.

By telling OBS, you have given yourself the clearest chance at reconciliation if you and he choose to do so.
You have also done the same for the OBS.... if he chooses to offer it. I cannot stress how much this is an act of unconditional love, a gift of compassion, and one that in time he will be eternally grateful to you for.

The raw emotions he is feeling will work themselves out.... but it will be chaotic and unpredictable. You understand this, since you're going through the same thing.

If anyone tells you different, they're at odds with the overwhelming collective wisdom of SI..... we've lived it.

Teal,

Your WH injected himeself into someones marriage and stole a piece of the BHs life, and the life of their children this crime cannot be expected to go unanswered.

It's all true. He wanted to keep it secret to save himself, protect her and whatever he thinks they had. He can be mad at me. It had to come out eventually. It was the only way to stop the lies. I do hope he doesn't get beat up or whatever he is afraid will happen. I have no idea if that's a realistic fear or not.