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Finally WH agreed to do a polygraph test. I was surprised actually.

He asked me how many questions do I have and I said a lot. I have some questions in my mind but not sure if these are the right questions to ask.

Any advice from anyone who did polygraph test to their WH?

What questions to ask and how should I proceed on this?

Any suggestions/recommendations are much appreciated.

Thank you!

You will only get to ask 3-5 questions.

Have him right a complete,detailed timeline.

Question one..Did you purposely omit anything on the timeline?

Question 2..other than what she knows about, have you cheated with anyone else?

Question 3..have you had any other contact with ow since dday?

A lot of your questions will be answered with the timeline. If he fails Question one,you know he's still lying.

You can't ask about feelings, only facts.

Thanks for these questions HellFire!

He doesn't want to do the timeline. He said I know everything already.

I did the phone bills, credit card statements check. Text messages but not when they started. Google Location history.

The questions I had in mind was if he did really have intercourse with the OW with the number he gave me and/or if they did it really only in the car. Other in my mind, was if he did give him any gift such as jewerly, lingerie or anything.

The one in our country says 20mins test. I did not know I only get to ask 3-5 questions. Thank you for that information. I have to double check with that.

Tell him you are basing your questions off of a completed timeline. Tell him about question one.

Tell him it doesn't matter one bit that he says you know it all,so there's no need to write a timeline. You NEED the timeline, therefore it is a requirement. I mean, you don't really want to have to live the rest of your life knowing you were betrayed, and go through all of the pain you are feeling..but here you are. So he can do the timeline.

He has shown that your well being is not a priority, so he doesn't get to decide what you need in order to be able to attempt reconciliation.

He needs to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Does he think the two of you will stay married, no matter what? Is that the case? If it isn't, then you need to make that clear.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:07 AM, Tuesday, November 28th]

He doesn't want to do the timeline. He said I know everything already.

Too bad he doesn't run this any longer. You get to decide what you need and what is required for R. If it was up to the WS we would rug sweep and move on. This is a no go answer, he is not remorseful with this wayward mindset.

HellFire:

He knows that this time I can just give up and D him anytime I want. I am more firm now compare before 1-2 months post dday.

But I feel like he thinks that the timeline is not necessary since he will do the polygraph. I was actually surprised he did agree to do polygraph test.

You are absolutely right though when you said I have to be clear, not only this one but in general in terms of our relationship and/or if R is for us. I used to decide based on my feelings and when we have arguments both of us will just blurt it out that we are done and will just D. And then, the next thing day, we were okay. I know it is not healthy but we are trying our best to work it out. I just feel like he is very slow in terms of his progress. He kind of "delay" things which it kind of pissed me off sometimes.

But thank you. I will try and talk to him again about the timeline.

Tanner:

Yes, in the early days/weeks of post ddays, he wants to rugsweep but I did not let him.

I was the one who investigate and gather all the evidence from his affair (pics, text messages, receipts etc etc). It was hard and frustating.

But we he finally gave in and we talked about it. Little did I know he was omitting some details and TT. I was devastated. Lies after lies.

I did the 180 briefly and I think it worked a bit but I stopped and fast forward today, he finally told me about this polygraph test.

I am trying to be firm now as much as possible. I am more in control now than before. Hopefully he will understand soon the pain and the damage he put me through. 😔

Might be hard pressed to find a bigger advocate for poly’s than me.
However, only for the correct purpose.

A poly won’t give you the truth per se. It gives you what your husband perceives as the truth. Like if he truly believes Earth is flat, he will pass with a "no" if asked if Earth is a globe. Or if he believes 100-10 is 80 he will pass with yes if asked if 100-10 is 80, despite us knowing the mathematical truth.

If you KNOW there were 12 encounters with OW, but he truly only recalls 11 and had shared that on a timeline (that he refuses to do… big… issue IMHO) then he will pass if asked if there were 11 encounters. If he KNOWS there were 12 (or more) he would fail. Him "passing" with the statistically wrong answer is fine, if that’s what he truly believes.
What a poly does is give you a sense of the person questioned being honest.

Keep that in mind – a poly gives you a good indication of HONESTY rather than facts. You get the facts with things like timelines, then verify those facts with a poly.

IMHO the poly should be a key milestone.
If your husband passes… it’s up to you to accept most (if not all) of his "facts". If he passes with 11 encounters then you have to let go of the 12th… You need to work towards some sense of knowing the truth according to what he has shared. Still fully entitled to ask for more detail, but have to work from some base that he is being truthful/honest as established by the poly.
If he fails… IMHO you really only get one shot. If he fails it indicates numerous things like he doesn’t respect you or trust you with the truth and/or he minimizes and/or he doesn’t grasp the seriousness of his actions. All things that IMHO should drop him down the list of reconcilable like a hot piece of steel.
Before the poly I would make it very clear to the husband that failing will possibly tell you more than him passing. That by failing a poly it indicates he doesn’t get it, doesn’t trust you, doesn’t care enough to be honest, and all these factors will move you from any wish to reconcile to accepting the inevitability of divorce. If you aren’t willing or ready to walk if he fails… wait. Do the poly later.

Regarding the questions: The KEY FACTOR is the operator. You do NOT want an amateur-shingle-at-the-fairground operator. Find someone with the correct credentials and references. Someone being used by the legal system, corporations and the likes. That operator will help you define the questions.
A good operator might even interview the husband beforehand and adjust questions accordingly. He will probably basically ask the same question twice to establish a basepoint. He will then use 2-4 questions to establish the honesty in your husband. He will then give a result with a "reliability-factor".

Bigger is right. If he says there were 5 women,because he's forgotten one,and you know about the 5, the 6th won't produce a false result.

On the flip side..if he has sworn it was 5,but he knows it was 6, it will prove he's lying.

You said when you finally got him to talk,you got TT and lies. This is the reason for the timeline. Partly. If there's details he hasn't shared yet, it's better to find out now,than a year from now.

I've read all your posts. I think he doesn't want to do the timeline,because he can't remember what he's told you,and what he hasn't, and if he writes it down, he may get caught in more lies.

The timeline can be a requirement for you to attempt reconciliation.

Also..it's normal for a bs to get upset and say it's over,and not mean it. Personally, I don't believe a ws should say that unless they mean it. They're not traumatized by their affair. They're not blindsided. They're simply dealing with the consequences of their actions. If they aren't all in,if they're not showing empathy and remorse, and moving mountains, then reconciliation won't work.

Look at how many "I'm back" threads there are lately.

In my opinion, if you had to choose 1 or the other, I would choose the timeline over the polygraph. A timeline, if done correctly, is detailed, comprehensive, and most importantly, is him putting the facts into writing. As Hellfire said, if he’s balking at the timeline, it’s because he doesn’t want to have to keep his lies straight. He doesn’t want to a commit to a version of events that he won’t be able to walk back from.

Another thing to keep in mind about polygraphs is that what they’re measuring is someone’s stress response, if any, when responding to a question. Therefore, if your husband is just as comfortable with lying about his affairs as he is with describing what he ate for breakfast this morning, he might be able pass the polygraph.

And let me just add to the chorus and say who does he think he is that he gets to call the shots and tell you what you need or don’t need? The polygraph wouldn’t be necessary in the first place if you were able to take him at his word.

Tell him he can either produce the timeline to be verified on the polygraph… or he can go sit in a pineapple and spin while you file for divorce.