SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a few days out from finding out that my husband has cheated again. Like last time, he is very apologetic, making lots of promises about making it right, but he has not followed up on any of them as far as I can see.

I am struggling with the fact that I gave this man 16 years of my life when I could have been with somebody who loved me. I'm realising how many warnings there were early in our relationship, and I feel so stupid. My family history was so full of divorce and abuse; I think the idea that I should be treated well was so foreign to me; the absence of actual abuse was enough for me to accept, and the fear that if I couldn't make a relationship work I was as bad as the rest of them really played a number on my mind. He says he gets caught up in a 'grass is greener' mentality, but I can't help feeling that this is really just a euphemism for 'I didn't love you enough to keep my eyes on you'.

He said he would abide by my decision on whether he stays or goes, which made me mad. He got to make every decision to bring us to this point, but now there are no choices left. Is it my decision?

I am really struggling with the fact that it can't get better from here. It just can't. Either he stays, practically we make our life work, but I always know how little he loves me, and I always know I can't risk loving him. Every kindness, warmth and intimacy is filled with an undercurrent of pain that I already know doesn't go away because this is not our first rodeo, and I now know it will not be our last and any opportunity to find somebody who actually does love me passes me by. Or, I ask him to leave, I have spent the majority of the last 16 years supporting his career; mine is just starting out. He would take the financial gains of our marriage with him (I have checked out the legal side in my country, and I would not get much.) My career would pretty much end here as I need the financial security of his career to make it happen. We would be plunged back into financial difficulty, and I would have to take jobs that took me away from my career aims to make ends meet. He swears he would not let that happen but I know what he is like with money and how much he was skimming off the top of the family budgets to spend on his secret sex life, so why on earth would I trust him to honour a promise to continue to support us financially when I know he will then have his own bills to pay and no accountability at all. What's more, I would bear the majority of responsibility for the children as I already do, while also having to agree to contact arrangements with him. Frankly, he cannot and never has been able to cope with the kids, and the prospect of having him care for them without my supervision for 2/3 days a week and then spending the remaining 4/5 days a week helping them recover from that is so exhausting.

I cannot see any way that anything gets better from here.

I cannot see any way that anything gets better from here.

I’m so sorry to hear your devastating story. It is heartbreaking and the pain you must be feeling is terrible. One thing you have going for you is you found a place where people understand.

I am in no way trying to trivialize your circumstances, they sound challenging. I just want to encourage you and say that you are just days out from discovery. While it may seem like there is no up from here, you are in fact likely in one of the lowest emotional points of your life and it won’t stay this bad. Life is almost certainly going to look different going forward, in ways you can’t wrap your head around right now. That’s ok, that is a problem for another day, and you are and will be sufficient for it. But it gets much better than the darkness you surely are in today. Praying for you.

Your M may get better if your WS does the necessary work. What did he do between 10 years ago and February? What has he done since February? IDK where you are, so I'll ask: is it even possible for him to find a therapist who will help him change from cheater to good partner?

What's wrong with getting the degrees you want and then splitting? (Real questio - there are lots of possible reasons it's wrong and right.)

@ Sissoon February was when I got suspicious;

I got some advice on my options and was essentially told I had very few as there are very few assets to split and I would not be entitled to the 'earning potential' of the business, I would be entitled to a % of what he legally declares per child we have together.

I also talked with him about it; he assured me nothing was happening, and we went to M counselling together, took some time out together, and I started to think maybe we could mend. Then this weekend, he told me that He has actually been seeing someone else for about 2 years and, in the last 12 months, has been on 5 holidays with her, 3 of which happened while we were in M counselling.

I got one of the degrees I was talking about in Feb and just graduated this week, so it's been a bit of a rollercoaster. But I need to get 1 more, and getting onto it is very competitive; I need to work a series of low-paid degree-relevant jobs to get the experience necessary. Once I get onto the final degree, I will earn about what he does even as a trainee, which will nearly double once I graduate. But from here I am looking at a number of years earning tuppence. So yes, I guess my best chance is to wait it out until I get on the degree and the kids are older and more independent and then use the degree as my opportunity to leave.

I guess my best chance is to wait it out until I get on the degree and the kids are older and more independent and then use the degree as my opportunity to leave.

If you do this make sure you stay detached and firmly in 180. I wouldn't do anything for this man. Get your last degree and get out.

When I found myself in False R I had just moved with xWS to his mother's house from our home (which we rented out to start fixing up his mothers). I had just been laid off from work and now was in a home that was not even mine. I took the steps to get my independence back. 180'd, detached, found a new job and helped my kids grow up. It was definitely a limbo state. I knew I wanted to leave when False R hit and I had found out his A with MOW had never ended. My love and respect for him completely died that day and our M just grew worse and worse. I also had a fear of breaking the family up and spending 50/50 with my kids. I finally left after 5 years of limbo. My kids were teenagers at the time but I knew I couldn't take another day in that M.

I'm sorry hateusernames. You deserve so much better.

It's hard to imagine things being better when you're stuck in an unhappy marriage with someone you do not love or respect. But... it can be. Whether he cheated again because of lack of love, or lack of respect, or lack of integrity (my guess is it's this one), it doesn't matter. He has shown you that regardless of what he's said, fidelity is not a core value for him. He has shown you that he is not willing or able to support you practically, financially, or emotionally. Whether his business has improved marginally or not, you KNOW what a future with him looks like, and it's not great. That's a sure thing.

A future without him though? Sure, there will be hardships and difficulties and sacrifices - financially and otherwise, but at least there are opportunities for you to use the lemons you've been dealt to make lemonade. Virtually no one chooses to leave their marriage in ideal circumstances. Divorce almost always contains an element of sacrifice - but staying does too. Don't undervalue that. There is never a perfect time and there never will be. Don't wait, just because you're scared of the unknown. Anything you fear him doing (hiding money, failing to support you, etc) if you leave, can and will happen to you if you stay. You sound strong and smart and resilient - bet on yourself.