SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He’s started using snap chat again. After I verbalised that I feel forgotten and disregarded because he didn’t call me after returning to his hotel after a dinner at a conference interstate.

I found out 3 years ago about someone he had been seeing whilst seeing me in the early days. I’d just married him and moved my kids in with him. We’d done the work, or so I thought. He smashed my trust to pieces by not calling me. I thought he understood what I needed. We’ve covered it enough times. When someone says explicitly ‘I need to know you remember I exist’ when I am away from you.

Which brings me to this- I know where this path leads, but I also know I need to get my ducks in a row. I need to be able to leave with a financial safety net in place, which I don’t have at the moment. Im in a tenuous place at work due to a recent takeover and still have 4 children I need to provide for. I need to maintain a status quo so that I can leave the way I want to.

How do I act normal when I’m crumbling inside? How do I not lash out? How do I not turn into an unhinged lunatic playing the pick me game like I did with my first husband because I was so worried about the future. These little people depend on me.

I’m sorry you are facing this yet again.

To answer your question as to next steps, you start hoarding $. Sell unnecessary items he won’t miss. Have your own bank account.

Start getting credit cards in your own name. Cancel all joint credit cards you can. This way if he decides not to pay the bills during a D, your credit is not impacted.

Get a life insurance policy on him with you as the account holder. Have the beneficiary as the kids. This way he cannot change the beneficiaries b/c he doesn’t own the policy. You do. If he remarries he cannot put a new wife as the beneficiary (as an example).

See a lawyer. Get the best info you can so you know what to expect.

Get yourself your own professional counselor. Someone who can support you through this ordeal.

Best of luck!

I should probably add a few things. He’s not the kids Dad. They all belong to my ex husband. It’s going to kill them though because they adore him.

We also don’t have joint finances as I learnt from my first marriage. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. We’ve always split everything 50/50 except for my kids specific expenses as their Dad pays CS for those. I just know I need a lot of money in the bank for a rental, which have become ridiculously expensive here.

It’s the how I maintain ‘normal’ so he doesn’t know I’m leaving. I want him to feel the shock of coming home and being left. I don’t want my anxiety, humiliation and rage to give it away though. Two failed marriages, both because of cheating. I thought I had fixed my picker.

This is a game of chess. One you're playing for your life. You need to learn to compartmentalize, and during the times you can't do so, you need excuses as to why you're off. You're "not feeling well", you just received bad news about something/someone at work, someone you care about is ill, you have a migraine...you obviously can't use those all the time, and that's why you have to learn to compartmentalize.

I am in the same boat, trying to act normal. It is not easy. I would advise trying to stay busy, I have found that if I have tasks I am working on it takes my focus off of my extreme anger. I also sometimes just look at him and visualize that he is not a person, just an annoying object that is walking around the house. And deep breaths. I know it is hard but I am finding that if you can shut off any love and focus on their flaws, it gets easier.

How do I act normal when I’m crumbling inside? How do I not lash out? How do I not turn into an unhinged lunatic playing the pick me game like I did with my first husband because I was so worried about the future.

You treat it like a 12-step program: take it one day at a time. If one day is too hard, take it minute by minute. Remind yourself that the temporary satisfaction/relief/whatever coming from lashing out is more important than protecting yourself and your kids. I did not bother with not lashing out as I had the luxury of not having kids so bad environment be damned was my feeling. With kids, my advice is always to get them out of there ASAP, and then you can start having those hard/ugly conversations in earnest when your kids cannot hear/are not involved. As a child of a horrible marriage between my parents, I can honestly say even though we did not want them to separate, it was the best thing for us in the long run (and really in the short run too).

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:05 PM, Friday, July 28th]

I’ve kept myself busy today by cleaning the house. Had an ugly cry in the shower. This feeling in the pit of my stomach is really hard to deal with. Where I’d run towards the anxiety and just blurt out whatever was bothering me so I could deal with it, I’m now internalising. He knew trust was a massive factor in my anxiety, and always promised to help with it. When I really needed him to, he failed. Of all the times I thought he would, he forgot.

I’m sorry but I’m confused. Has he cheated on you or just neglected to call you on a business trip? Or was it both and the not calling was the last straw. Your timeline needs some clarification please.

He cheated on me a few years ago which I didn’t find out about until after we were shacked up and married.

This week he forgot to call me on a business trip. And other shady in general behaviours. I called him on it and he started using snap chat again. I’ve spent a long time working out the general behaviours of cheaters after ending my first marriage due to cheating.

I might be expecting too much from him in regards to my boundaries but they’ve been there since discovery.