SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The love bombing during the affair before DDAY makes it so hard to believe the "I love you’s" of today.

When they rewrite history about us and our marriage to their AP, they are actually rewriting their own identity in our hearts. 😭

The fall out the cheater never expects or thinks about.

My H told me everything that was wrong with me during his affair. It was brutal. The worst was when he told me that I married him under false pretenses and I never loved him!!!

So fast forward to six months later when he’s begging me to R. He is saying anything and everything and doing everything and anything to R. For at least a year I threw everything he told me right back at him. All of it. I left no stone unturned.

Hard to get past the fact that as the BS — what they told you / tell you during the affair is how they truly felt — even if it’s not true.

🤦‍♀️

The dynamics of my husband’s affair were a little different, but I agree that the parts of their behavior that were most duplicitous and that really messed with our minds and perception of reality do a lot of long term physiological damage that’s hard to get out from under.

Do you mean that your husband was acting super loving to you during his affair, while behind your back he was re-writing your marital history to his AP?

My FWH did love bomb me during the affair. And, yes, it made it hard in the aftermath for me. Post DDay, he said did all those things during the affair because he felt guilty....and likely he was trying hard to convince me and my gut instinct that all was not well.

I can say that 4 1/2 years post DDay, it is less of a sting now. When he says he loves me, I believe him. But, that was only because of the work he did to be trustworthy over this time.

He did one thing that helped me. When I was floundering in those early days....he took on everything. All the day to day running of the house. He drew baths, made meals, did dishes. He said he understood that I didn't believe a word he said, but that I couldn't question the concreteness of making a meal. I couldn't disbelieve that he did the dishes. He had never been so involved pre-A.

Are his actions matching up to the words in better ways now? Or not.

I'm so sorry you're here. It is probably the worst trauma I've experienced in this lifetime. Take care.

I hear you—— it was just so damaging—- it echoes today.

It was so damaging to my relationship with him that in the aftermath, when he finally decided to pull his head out and look at himself for himself, I could never get the attraction back. Sadly now, 5 years out, he is a better version of himself than he ever was before, but...I just can't feel the same way for him that I used to. I can't create that. I can't "get the attraction back" and I'm not sure if it was the love-bombing during the A, mixed with the inconsistent garbage that he constantly threw to get me off his trail (his words) or all the lies during false-R or IDK all the other damaging stuff. But I can't manufacture feelings for this man who is now much better than the man I was head-over-heels for - I just can't do it...

Does he realize it? Yeah, it's clear that he does. That's the saddest part about it now - we both know it and neither one of us can really do anything ascertainable to change it.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:50 PM, Monday, June 12th]