Mostly, I just read or stay away. I’d say we’re 85-90% there. I’m super grateful for that. It’s been an eventful year. Suddenly empty nesters. FWH planned all sorts of wonderful adventures….and we ticked them off our list.
I feel like such an idiot even writing this. Mostly, I feel like I won. I like the guy I’m married to now much better than pre-A. I get triggered and 90% of the time, I process it and don’t let it change my day. There are plenty of triggery places and events. It’s a small, small town. I still work out at the gym and occasionally run into OW. She was a "friend". Most of the time I’m ok. It is just something that happened.
A few weeks ago, FWH was in a bad accident. He didn’t remember how it happened and came to in an ambulance. Thankful, he was with a male friend, they were riding bikes. Male friend is a friend of our marriage and made sure he was ok. I had been out of town and rushed back. And, thankfully, FWH is going to be ok. It’s been a nearly 3 week recovery for him. He’s still not completely recovered and in pain. I’m sure he’s frustrated by that. Lots of time home from work. He’s almost always on the go, and this is a real challenge for him. I’ve been doing a lot of care taking, which mostly I’m happy to do. But, while in pain….FWH reverts to being an insensitive jerk and said something extremely triggering last night. Nothing serious, he just wasn’t thinking. The A happened while I was doing something that I loved….he waited until I was at church or out with girlfriends….even four years later….I’ll do those things, but they give me pause. He said something silly about how he thought I was staying home to take care of him because I didn’t trust him. He’s in pain and angry about it. Made me totally want to go back through his devices - which he will give up freely.
What’s worse for me is that, I’m so angry with myself….for being THAT wife….the one he cheated on. I know I should be grateful of where we are. But, these little slips, these human slips….it’s not even A related really….just puts me in that "I’m outta here" mode.
Told him about it….he brought home flowers….and apologizes. Just so angry that this is a part of my life at all.