It is my belief that when we fear hating our wayward spouses (for whatever reason--they are our main support system, we don't want to be alone, we think they would give up the M and leave us, whatever) then we obsessively hate the AP. When we actually do hate our waywards, consider D, feel disgusted and in general, can't find our love for them anymore, we think less about the AP because our rage has a home in our spouse.
Our fury at the powerlessness of the betrayal, our rage that it has happened and we can't make it unhappen, HAS TO be felt. It. Has. To. Be. Felt.
The problem is that there is no longterm benefit to you in raging and blaming in the AP's direction. It stalls your healing. Even if you get some sort of payback and do blow up the AP's life, it won't give you the relief you expect. Because there is no relief for the hurt, just a gradual lessening over time. That's what we mean when we say here that there is no way around this, just through. You feel feelings until they don't want to be felt anymore, but how do you feel them toward an AP who is not present nor part of your M and daily heartache? You can't. It's pointless and unproductive.
But the person who actually stabbed you in the back and broke your heart, they ARE present.
Can you, when the obsessive thoughts of AP hit you, tell yourself, "But this asshole was only let into my life to abuse me by that woman right there, my supposed partner. She did not protect me. She let this person humiliate me." Can you intentionally remind yourself who actually did this to you and direct your anger where it can and should be felt?
I know it's terrifying because then who will you talk to, who will you watch tv with, what will you do if she resents your anger and leaves or finds a new AP? This is what you must accept to respect yourself. You must accept this and feel your feelings toward her anyway.
In my opinion, this is where true reconciliation is possible (no guarantees). When the BS puts their rage and blame everyday toward the person that broke their heart, when they risk alienating their wayward with their constant distance and detachment, when the M is actually on the line and feels like it may end, when the BS starts creating their own identity away from the M, THAT'S when the wayward feels the consequences, reality, and loss. Angry words are not the same. They have to feel your hate (not abuse, just your detachment). And feel how you are changed from this. And that they actually may lose you.
And that's when they need to step up and take it while they work to win you back.
When this dynamic plays out, it:
1. Demonstrates authentic and honest expression of betrayal
2. Shows that the BS respects themselves
3. Establishes that the BS is rightfully capable of exiting the M for this disrespect and may actually do it
4. Let's the WS experience true consequences (not just angry conversations which are not consequences)
When living this way, the AP does not register much on the mind. It is fleeting hatred rather than obsessive hatred. But are you capable of putting your hatred where it belongs?
[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:50 AM, Sunday, December 4th]