SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are headed for divorce. WH wants to mediate, working through that.

I have recent information (100% proof) about cheating but have been advised by attorney to not confront and to keep that information until into the divorce proceedings. It may help with negotiations. We live in a no fault state so evidence is mostly useless except for it shows curt of behavior which when compiled can make a difference to the judge.

I do not want to play games and just want to put it all out there and just tell him I know. I think this MAY cause him a little guilt and empathy and this could work to my favor in starting the divorce. He is so wrapped up in his image and just for him to know I could let this get out out with friend group could make him more willing to help me. On the flip side this all could enrage him and cause him to explode and go extra hard towards taking me down in divorce. It is really 50/50 and I don't know which way to go.

The other thing is in telling the adult children. Our youngest is 17 the other 2 are out of the house. If I am the one to file, I want to be able to say this is why I am doing this!! So they understand what I have endured to keep the family together. I don't want to give details but feel they should know their Dad cheated multiple times, lied 1000's of times and is a functioning alcoholic. I used to see us both sitting down with the grown kids and telling them together. But now I see just me talking to them.

This is eating me up. I know he spent the night at an OW's house recently and I can't keep this in for much longer. I want to get on with my life. I am paralyzed about trying to sort out what to do with all of this info. I just want to have it out, but also need to be very concerned about protecting myself in the future financially and having best relationships with kids. It is so much to sort out mentally. I am in IC and he suggested that it is WH place to have the courage to say I cheated on your mom. He will not do this. He wants to say we grew apart.

I'm consumed by the challenge of how best to handle telling kids and to confront or not daily and just want to get going and what will be will be. On the contrary that seems not smart to make the biggest decision of my life, affecting the kids lives and our financial well being ride on a poorly executed plan.

I do have 2 dear friends I confide in as well and they advise to hold the cards I have for now. My gut says just get it all out and play the cards now. I hate the game playing.

Thoughts?

Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

You’re the only one still playing the game here. Your WH isn’t playing this game, he is just living like the POS he is, that’s not playing games with you, that’s just him being a POS. You "playing" your cards won’t impact your life in a positive way since you’re in a no fault state, it can harm your case more especially if he can legally leverage it as harassment, if you publish it on a social it could be worse. The only value this proof has is to you and your family, the only benefit that proof had was giving you insight into WH shitty character. Now you know you married a cheater.

Your lawyer knows what will give you the best outcome and if they have told you to don’t do it, then don’t do it. Trust the system.

You can always share that proof with your inner circle later, for now the outcome of the divorce is more important than whatever your ex is up to. It’s time to detach, you need to reach indifference for your sanity now.

Follow the advice of your lawyer. If half the risk in telling him will lead to your stbx getting angry, then better safe than sorry.

I may be against the grain here, but if your children ask, tell them the general truth. Don’t keep the stbx’s dirty secret for him. Your kids at least need one person to be honest with them. Don’t tell them all the gory details unless they ask for them.

Your IC’s advice seems to be based on the assumption that your stbx is the type of person to admit/take fault. But he isn’t.

I fear that your "I don't like game playing" is really just an inability to keep emotional control and protect yourself. You are not playing games. You are controlling yourself and your emotions at the advice of your lawyer and with an eye to your future. The truth might get empathy from your WH? That's wishful thinking.

Let it unfold in the way your lawyer and friends advise.

Follow your lawyer's advice. That's what you're paying them for after all. I do get wanting to secrets to stop, but if it could go badly for you then it's better not to risk it.

Also, you absolutely can tell your children why you're divorcing. Do not give them the dirty details (even if they ask for them); he is their father and they'll have to figure out how to navigate their relationships with him going forward. But you don't have to keep his secret from them. He cheated on them too and they have a right to know that.

Thank you all! My desire to not play games has nothing to do with lack of emotional control. I have been dealing with getting to the end for 5 months now and have been eerily calm and in complete control. My issue is we have a 25 year marriage with lots of amazing history. Therefore I know the good parts, the person he was for the better part of 20 years. It is challenging to reconcile who I am dealing with because I don't know the totality of him anymore. He is a stranger now. But my heart knows him deeply on another level and that is who I am used to dealing with.

I understand I am dealing with a different person now, and sometimes my ability to be gracious extends to him. I don't want to play "dirty." I just want it to end amicably. I am done living in secrets and lies and that is why I want to be on the up and up. It clouds me and makes me feel unclean to keep these secrets. This is why I fear I will suck at this process because it goes against my grain of who I am and who I want to be in life. I am authentic and a truth seeker so isn't that hypocritical to be one keeping secrets for my personal gain. So let's be honest, it is a game of strategy. I don't want to play this way.

I do appreciate the advice of listening to the attorney. That makes logical sense and I will most likely follow it. The issue is in telling the kids. If I divulge to them this latest infidelity, then it will surely get back to him.

I have chosen to only let a few people know the complete circumstances as it muddies the water to bring people in.

I don't know why I am like this. I seriously think of him when I am making decisions about how to get the money out for retainer, etc. And he is not thinking of me clearly. I get how fucked up that is. I don't know how to cross over to f you I am going to do whatever I need to do. I am so programmed to think of others before myself. I have such a hard time being self focused. It is always what is best for the kids, best for the family. How to I cross over this line so I can get done what needs to be done?

We have both admitted the marriage is dead. My goal is to get to dissolution with the least amount of damage to all parties. So it is just not me on the line in my book. I have to cross over with care for the kids not destroying their relationship with the father they love immensely. That matters to me. I will sacrifice a lot for their well being. I will be focused on their recovery just as much as mine.

There seems to be a lot of opinions on how/what to tell adult kids. This is a crucial piece for me and I am so stuck on it as this needs the best possible delivery.

I am in IC and he suggested that it is WH place to have the courage to say I cheated on your mom.

Get a new IC. This is YOUR life. You're not your WH's secret keeper. What he did affected the trajectory of YOUR LIFE. This is something that happened to YOU. How dare this guy suggest that it's all about your WH as if you had no vested interest? Ordinarily, I'd say your IC goofed, slip of the tongue, anyone can have a bad day, but the enormous lack of empathy and insight it takes to recommend that a client ignore their own truth like that?.. nope. I think your best bet is to get a new IC and never go back.

I just want it to end amicably.

I am done living in secrets and lies and that is why I want to be on the up and up. It clouds me and makes me feel unclean to keep these secrets.

It sounds to me like those two statement might be at odds. On the one hand, you want an amicable divorce with as little drama as possible. On the other, you want to live your truth. Your attorney wants you to keep your powder dry on exposure so that you can use it as a tool if needs be to put pressure on your WH, and that's not bad advice. There's also the demands of your conscience which are being deferred in a way that is making you uncomfortable. Priorities demand that you make a choice and put one of these things ahead of the other. It's possible that the thought of "getting out clean" might be what's keeping your WH from trying to pull you down into the mud and this would achieve your goal of "ending amicably" whereas you have no guarantee that serving your conscience right now will get you that same result. So, if it was me, I think I'd follow my attorneys advice for now and then sing like a bird once the ink was dry on my divorce papers.

I have to cross over with care for the kids not destroying their relationship with the father they love immensely. That matters to me. I will sacrifice a lot for their well being. I will be focused on their recovery just as much as mine.

You don't have to sacrifice your truth for your kids' well-being. Your truth IS in their best interest because you are the model they grow on. For good or for ill our kids learn by watching us. It's not your job to protect their father's image. The lesson here is "don't fuck around on your spouse" and "don't accept abusive treatment from your spouse". It's not "sometimes people grow apart for no particular reason". Your WH's choices and his failure to remediate his flawed character in the aftermath have resulted in the dissolution of your nuclear family. THAT is cause and effect, and it does a disservice to your adult children to have that information withheld from them.

So yeah, I might play the long game here and then spill the beans afterward. A deferred consequence is still a consequence and the bottom line is that the truth IS coming. You're not being inauthentic. You're just working in slow motion for the time being.

((hugs))

Your IC is an idiot.

Your IC expects a lying cheating jerk to be honest to his children.

Where did this person get their degree??? 🤦‍♀️ SMH

I understand I am dealing with a different person now, and sometimes my ability to be gracious extends to him. I don't want to play "dirty." I just want it to end amicably.

This is what I meant by emotional control. You want it to end amicably, but cheaters and liars don't care about amicable. They are me, me, me. So you must shut the desire for amicable down because you can't control how it ends. You want to, but you can't. Just like you couldn't control his behavior. You can, however, control whether or not you protect your future.

This is why I fear I will suck at this process because it goes against my grain of who I am and who I want to be in life. I am authentic and a truth seeker so isn't that hypocritical to be one keeping secrets for my personal gain. So let's be honest, it is a game of strategy. I don't want to play this way.

This is unfortunate but not uncommon. It's part of how we got here in the first place--wanting peace, sucking it up, living authentically. But your WH is not. And he will take advantage of your desire for peace. NC on every front is the best way to handle it. I have and had the same inclinations in life, and that desire has been used against me repeatedly by people who saw me as naive and foolish. And they thought I DESERVED to be played because I was so caring and trusting.

Your future is on the line.

I would never suggest outright lying and deceiving. But can you quell your emotional turmoil and discomfort--which I believe is the number one skill we all learn in IC--by telling yourself you are simply not going to share? Or overshare? Just practice NC now. Because this is what you need to learn, to stop prioritizing his needs over your own.

I don't know how to cross over to f you I am going to do whatever I need to do. I am so programmed to think of others before myself.

Taking care of you is NOT an f-you! to him.

I HAD to learn this. It quite literally saved my life. The step that felt most comfortable at first, before outright No, was to simply stop sharing. I decided that wearing my entire self on my sleeve needed to stop. People do not need to know everything I think and do.

And it was uncomfortable. You need to get comfortable being uncomfortable while you learn new ways.

New way #1: You don't intentionally hurt your WS, but you no longer consider his needs or feelings. Even if it feels crappy and mean. It's not. Those are inappropriate, codependent emotions lying to you. Protecting your own interests is not mean. It's wise and mature and gives you the self care and love that you need and deserve in this life.

Can your honesty with the kids be vague? "Someday I'll tell you the whole story, whatever you want to know, but I am not in that place right now. Just trust that I have done everything possible to make this work, but it's not." Then tell them the truth later on when it's safe.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:22 PM, Monday, October 17th]

He is so wrapped up in his image and just for him to know I could let this get out out with friend group could make him more willing to help me. On the flip side this all could enrage him and cause him to explode and go extra hard towards taking me down in divorce. It is really 50/50 and I don't know which way to go.

Never make decisions based on what you imagine the best case scenario will be. Plan for the worst case scenario, which, in this case, is that he will go react to your confrontation by making your divorce as acrimonious as possible.

Follow your lawyer’s advice. If your husband flips out, better he does it with a judge watching.

It is so much to sort out mentally. I am in IC and he suggested that it is WH place to have the courage to say I cheated on your mom. He will not do this. He wants to say we grew apart.

Your IC’s advice is crap, not just because it’s unrealistic to expect your husband to tell the truth on his own volition, but because it would require you to lie to them. Your kids are adults— and one close to it— and they are fully capable of under what happened and why. You don’t need to badmouth your husband. Just a simple statement of fact.

I’m sure his plan is to introduce OW to your kids as his new girlfriend after the ink is dry on your divorce papers. Why should you be his accomplice in deceiving your kids?

Let me start by defending my IC. He is amazing and well respected in the community. He has positively impacted my life in huge ways. I probably did not say it correctly. He was saying ideally WH should have the courage to say I cheated on your mom and he said he probably will not do that. He was not setting a scene that is likely or suggesting I don't do what I need to do in telling the kids. He also agrees to give the kids the truth without bad mouthing him. Just want to clear that up because this guy is in my corner and has been for years!!

Thank you for your responses. They are sinking in and I'm starting to see what I have to do. I have been emotionally detached and sleeping in another room for 5 months. The marriage is dead and we do not hang out or talk much at all. He was out of town for a week and we did not talk or text one time. So we are 95% NC. We are living under the same roof so logistically we talk about dinners and laundry and kids.

The breaking up of the family is what is so hard. The marriage, not so much. How to best handle it for all parties, etc.

I'm on the ledge and about to jump (figuratively) and of course it is scary af. But I know it has to be done and it will be. I'm probably overthinking it all as it is a massive process and undertaking with serious ramifications for the kids and my future!!

I 100% agree with OIN.

My kids were in high school when we told them we were splitting. But I knew he had a gf, and I knew that’s where he would be moving to. So he took the lead in discussing with the kids, and I just kept my mouth shut. I never lied, never agreed with him, I simply said nothing. Within 2 weeks, both of them realized he was moving in with a gf and both understood. We had separate convos later where they asked for confirmation, which I gave them.

Point being, it’s fine to say to your kids that you won’t ever lie to them, but please to not ask you for details right now because it’s all still too raw and things are in motion, and you can have in-depth talks at a later time. But for now, suffice to say that you tried and it can’t be fixed.

You aren’t playing a strategy game by listening to your lawyer – you’re following legal advice, and protecting yourself and your future family, which does not include him. I get it, the codependent side is trying to look out for everyone, but right now, the one that needs looking out for the most, is yourself, and "everyone" no longer includes him. Your kids are adults (more or less) and probably see and understand more than you realize. So trust that they can handle themselves, and will probably be willing to give you more grace than you realize.