SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Things I've realized about my own situation

As a WS myself I'm still learning and thought about sharing something I never believed I was doing. Gaslighting. To truly understand gaslighting remove yourself from the equation and take time to really see the person in front of you. Become them.

When my BS found out about my on and off sexual affair with my AP I did everything I thought I could to lessen the blow for her. I hid truths, details, feelings at the time, and lessened my patience.

I was caught and I ended the affair without providing her the proof. Even when I thought I was being pro-active I was being selfish. She deserved to see the proof. She deserved honesty. Honestly she deserved better than who I was, been, or had become.

One year D day is approaching. I have apologized relentlessly and done some work on myself. I recently learned that promises and begging for forgiveness/another chance is a gaslighting fire you don't want to engulf your BS in. I understand your logic with begging and or promising especially if you mean it, but look at it from the BS point of view......

They have been made promises before. They have forgiven before. They have been begged for a second chance and guess what those were met with empty results. Begging and promising doesn't require work. It is a way to make yourself feel more comfortable when in reality you need to sit in your own mess. It also takes your BS back to a time where they were the ones sacrificing how they felt to make you feel better. Now they are betrayed once again.

You said you were going to never do this or do that again and yet here we are.....again. so if you did the opposite then what makes the BS think you won't do it again? Your track record speaks for itself. I encourage you today waywards to stop making promises and instead make progress. Make progress in your own life so you can actually be what you say you're going to be. You created a horrible life that multiple lives have to live there is no reason to make promises because if you don't come through then it's another set back for your BS and yourself.

It has taken me years to actually figure out that promises and begging for forgiveness make my BS feel so many unnecessary emotions. I've already put her through so much so why add to it? To make yourself feel like you are doing the work necessary? You're actually setting yourself up for all the emotions and reasons you looked outside of your relationship. More so you aren't respecting the BS.

Listen to them even when it's hurtful. They are actually sharing the information necessary for you. Some say knowledge is power but knowledge is actually growth and us wayward spouses need to grow up.

[This message edited by Mrmbc0382 at 12:47 PM, Saturday, September 17th]

  Moving to Wayward Side

You said you were going to never do this or do that again and yet here we are.....again. so if you did the opposite then what makes the BS think you won't do it again? Your track record speaks for itself.

This one hit hard. My BH has said "heard that before" but only after reading the way you have put it did I go
"Fuck that's it isn't it?"

Some say knowledge is power but knowledge is actually growth and us wayward spouses need to grow up.

This hurts to hear and even I can get very emotional when BH has said similar things. Which I'm only just starting to see causes BH more hurt.

Thank you for this insight

Thank you Mrmbc0382, you get it. As a BH I can understand the lies during the A. I can understand lying to cover your tracks and keep your secret. Infidelity is built on lies.

Lies after Dday are the absolute worst. You’ve been caught, and say "let’s work this out", then TT for months? So many times my WW would say "Ok ok, you can trust me now". Then more TT would come out. I didn’t believe anything she said. When I finally decided to D and expose her to everyone, then she was ready to get real.

The BS has a picture in their head of what happened, don’t use the excuse that you are protecting your BS by not telling the details, no you aren’t thinking of the BS you are trying to protect yourself. Those details are everything to the BS and they need to process them over and over and over again.

My WW apologies were so hollow, she said I’m sorry 1000 times and meh. Didn’t mean much. The day she came to me and said "thank you for not giving up, thank you for giving me the time to get my head right". That meant more than 1000 apologies. That was the day she became real.

FWS here and I must say you really nailed it. A BS doesn't need promises. They need to see you doing the work, regardless of how hard it is. They need to see you go NC with the AP, they need to see the transparency, they need to see you putting them first instead of yourself. It's often said on here that actions speak louder than words and it is so true. What good is a broken promise? It's another betrayal on top of the massive sh*tstorm already let loose. It's so great to see a WS GET IT and you definitely have.

Happy for you that you are walking everyday toward growth, rejecting fear and hesitancy. Being honest, open, compassionate, these are strengths. People see a strong person who is sincerely trying. When you go forward with love and understanding, New beginnings are possible.

I hope you find clarity and peace of mind. May life bring you satisfaction and the joy of heal8ng others. Your struggle was not meaningless. You have much to offer. Love is endless. Giving is endless. The search for goodness is endless.

Your new life just beginning. Be calm and look inside. I'm happy for you.

I’ve pored through forums and can’t find a situation similar to mine which is making it really difficult for me to understand my own.

So my issue is - WS cheated on 2 people with his affair. Married to me and we have a child. He lied to AP claiming he wasn’t married and had no kids. The day after D-day he claimed he would "never cheat again" and begged for MC WHILE at the same time begging AP for another chance.

Am I crazy for agonizing over trying to figure out the logic behind all his deception? The AP broke it off and I told him firmly I want a divorce. But I won’t lie I wish he knew how much we both know about the lies he told both of us. No number in the western numerical system is large enough for the number of lies he told.

Hi DoubleRainbow,

Perhaps you could post your question in the I Can Relate forum under "BS questions for WS's"? It's a better way to get the attention of us WS's and you may have more attention paid to your question.

I'll answer you there!

It has taken me years to actually figure out that promises and begging for forgiveness make my BS feel so many unnecessary emotions. I've already put her through so much so why add to it? To make yourself feel like you are doing the work necessary? You're actually setting yourself up for all the emotions and reasons you looked outside of your relationship. More so you aren't respecting the BS.

Thank you for this post. I took me a year and half just to arrive to the conclusion, and many more months to start clean up my act, taking the responsibility and start the change. Still years of work ahead.

My ex-was willing to give us a second/third/etc. chance. But I was nowhere near of understanding the difference between promises and putting in work. Even then, now when I look back at the last year when I really worked hard on myself - there were probably more downs than ups. Sometimes I think that my own situation is pretty awful as I ruined my family, family future for the kids and even my material standing. But then again - my ex went trough 100 times worse ringer, as she got betrayed by the one person (me) that supposed to care for her. So why in the hell she should trust me again?

Make progress in your own life so you can actually be what you say you're going to be.

Yes and yes!

[This message edited by Spaceman at 2:19 PM, Monday, October 31st]

Thanks for posting, this is definitely something my WH does not get yet, that making promises and saying things does not equate to change.

Doing them and actually proving change, being able to see and measure the effort by actions is what matters as the words have been heard before and are not only disbelieved but lost effectiveness altogether.