I found out my wife had a burner phone and was sending let’s say very descriptive audio and photos of herself to another guy. Also texts where they were trying to arrange to meet up in Sicily.
For the sake of our marriage and family I put this to one side
Poldark, this was clear actionable evidence of an affair well in progress. No more setting things aside.
Sorry you’re here and this is by no means self righteous condemnation. We’ve all made the same mistakes that you’re currently making.
We have the luxury of hind sight now and there’s a tremendous amount of collective wisdom accumulated here by contributors who’ve not only been in your shoes, made the same mistakes, but have read through thousands of similar affair scenarios.
Reading through these scenarios you’ll quickly begin to identify commonalities. We joke that cheaters almost seem to operate from a common play book, a manual.
We also see commonalities amongst BSs, how BSs react to infidelity, respond to infidelity and the universal factors that contribute to a BS successfully getting out of infidelity.
You’re going to get an array of responses and different opinions to your scenario based on the contributor’s own experiences, but you’re also going to notice much commonality in our responses. Focus on these commonalities, take what works for your situation and discard anything that doesn’t work for you.
Here’s a short list of commonalities I’ve identified in your responses so far:
-There’s more to her story. Get as much of truth as possible so you can make informed decisions going forward.
-Cheating is not your fault. You and the marriage is not the cause of her malfunction. Something deep inside her is broken.
-If she wishes to R, boundaries need to be erected and enforced to your satisfaction. Probably no more traveling alone.
-Be prepared to ditch the marriage to save the marriage. Don’t play a "Pick Me Dance". No begging or groveling. YOU are the injured party, YOU are the plaintiff, you hold the moral high ground. Don’t except blame shifting. Stand your ground and Grey Rock her, 180 her if she doesn’t comply with universal marital expectations and conditions for R. If you’re passive you will get steam rolled.
-Get STD Tests for you both.
-Tell the OBS
-Demand full transparency, disclosure and hard boundaries.
-Demand NC
-Stay vigilant for the affair to be taken underground. Increase surveillance
-Read in the healing library.
-Protect your dignity.
-Rally your support group.
-Hit the gym
-Consult an attorney or four. Lay the ground for DIVORCE until she comes crawling to you over broken glass begging for a second chance.
-Watch your conduct. You currently hold the moral high ground and protect that position with good conduct. Don’t make decisions when angry. No abuse. Don’t do anything stupid that will compromise your position on the high ground.
-Keep reading here with an open mind.
-Read the other suggested books
-Stay away from MC for now. MC would be premature right now until your WS fixes her shit with IC. (MC-Marriage Counseling IC-Individual Counseling)
-Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated by cheater’s ploys. (Minimization, DARVO, victimization of self, threats, guilt trips, love bombing, sex bombing, indifference, fence sitting, door matting, blame shifting, rug sweeping, promises without action)
-Strap yourself in. Keep your hands and feet within the car at all times. You’re going for the ride of life but…
You’re going to be ok.
[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:49 PM, Saturday, August 6th]