SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hoping this is the correct forum to post, apologies if it is not. I haven't been active here for several years. The EA of my H which occurred in 2010 and brought me here a year or so later is well behind us. He's a good and loving person, our marriage is not unhappy, and divorce isn't something I want to do.

However - I've always been a somewhat independent person. I've always enjoyed alone time. When my H is out running errands and doing doctor appointments (as he is today), or pursuing hobbies that don't interest me I treasure my time to myself. He is also 10 years older than me and has many more health issues than me so we've both always kind of expected I would spend several years alone, especially considering women typically live longer anyway.

I actively took care of both of my parents as they each reached their declining years, and H was very supportive and also did what he could to help them. I expect to find myself doing the same for him sometime within the next 5-10 years. We enjoy many things together, but he is also somewhat needy (and getting more so) both physically and mentally. I am and always have been his 'memory' - not because of dementia but ADHD. He's always needed me to help keep track of commitments and things, though I do have to say the advent of the smartphone has been a godsend for both of us. And his health is declining, I help keep track of his many meds and try to do what I can to help meet his needs. My mother did the same for my dad, she said "That's what they mean by in sickness and in health." I always admired her and she made the best of things and never complained.

So I am fully committed to do the right thing by my husband, and he always thanks me and is appreciative. But - I really enjoy doing what I feel like doing, eating what/when I feel like eating, etc. I'm not someone who gets lonely. So there is a part of me that sort of looks forward to the day when I have only myself to be concerned with. Is that horrible of me? My BIL passed more than 10 years ago and my SIL still grieves continuously and bemoans how much she misses him. I don't see myself doing that. I believe there is a part of me that will be relieved and consider this 'my time' when I am alone. (Assuming I am blessed enough to maintain my good health.)

I get it. I feel the same way right now about someone. It's normal from my perspective, but it's a bit of an orange flag, indicating that you are likely giving more than you want to give.

Try this thought experiment. What if you don't get that buffer? What if your H carries on much longer than expected? What if you get ill sooner than expected? What if it becomes clear you are going to die at the same time? How would you feel about that? If the answer is "devastated" (as it would be for me....) then something needs to change. There are no guarantees in life. Things don't play out the way you think. If you need time for yourself and your own pursuits, you should find a way to work that in now.

It's hard. Especially with needy people. With needy people you can maybe find another way to take care of their physical/medical needs but they want company and conversation all the time and they are not able to get it for themselves. But the thing is, especially as age advances, needy people can become a bottomless pit of needs. You could devote all your time to them and they won't remember, won't appreciate, won't register the sacrifice.

I am writing this post in part to myself, because this is what I am facing, too.

You don’t know how you will feel until you are widowed. You may be surprised.

Good friend of mine was married to a very controlling man - rather nasty at times.

He passed away.

She’s miserable.

I was rather surprised by that - but I guess you just don’t know until you are in that situation. She says her Life is empty.

Annanew- thanks for your response! It's nice to share with people who don't judge!

Re: what if I don't outlive my spouse? I think I'm sort of a pragmatic person. I realize that I could be hit by a car tomorrow and confined to a wheelchair or catch a disease next month that could cut short my life. Devastated? No. Disappointed? Probably.

It's not that I'm miserable in life now. My spouse never objects to my doing things I enjoy. It's just that I always found I'm very content when left to my own devices and expect to do well if/when I am left alone. And if something happens to my husband I believe I would feel more grief around any suffering he might endure than I would at being left behind. I guess I feel safe sharing this here, but wouldn't feel comfortable sharing it with friends or family.

It appears you are in a caregiver situation- not clear from your post if it is family or a romantic relationship. I hope you are able to get the respite you need. It can be challenging for sure. Blessings to you.

Hi, MartialArts, sounded at first like you just are running low on love, which is understandable after a spouse looks elsewhere - or worse yet, goes elsewhere - for intimacy. I get that. As to your mixed feelings, I am thinking you are just trying to balance "you" time with all the time your spouse requires. And as you said, it tends to get worse at the end of life. Not a pleasant prospect for anyone.

But as The 1st Wife says, you may not be able to gauge your true feelings until such a time. A widowed lady friend of mine, age 76, who knows a tiny bit about my BW status, advised "be careful what you ask for..." Her late husband was a pompous sort of tyrant, so she was always living "in his shadow." He has been gone 3 years and she is still struggling to getting her bearings as an individual of worth and value. And she has grown children!

Another dear, long-time friend of mine, now age 77, was married to a much older man who was very controlling. It was a 2nd marriage and she appreciated being "taken care of" economically if not romantically, but as his health declined, he kept her on an increasingly short leash. Or she allowed him to, I was never sure. He was falling and scared to be left alone, so she was never, ever "allowed" to even run to town without him! I watched the light go out in my friend's life as she became more and more a house-slave and allowed him to become her whole life project. He was bedridden the last 3 years of his life, and she lept him alive with Ensure and ice cream, believe it or not. Hospice wasn't even able to help much. She gave 200% that is for sure.

However, now that he finally passed at age 96, it seems to us she has lost her whole late-life purpose. I had hoped she would remember our friendship from the years she used to think for herself, make plans, go on a trip overseas with her son, etc. But it's been a year now, and all she does is stay on her farm and complain about this or that. Moral of the story: don't allow a needy person to swallow your existence entirely. Set limits EARLY! Because we lose our selves bit by bit as caregivers. Look into respite care websites for tips on avoiding caregiver burnout, for the days you anticipate, and see what advice they offer.

Thanks everyone for your perspectives. It's good to have a safe space here to share feelings.

Maybe you're an introvert, just one of the many types of equally valuable human beings.

I, too, think it's natural to fantasize.

I 100% identify with this. My WH has had multiple EAs and at least 1 PA over the last dozen years. We're kinda reconciled. We don't fight much and get along (usually) pretty well. Pretty good sex life. He still turns my crank!

But in the back of my mind, I've always looked forward to doing a "Golden Girls" thing with my friends after our husbands all die off. I too very much value my "me time!" On days he's not working and just lazing about the house (I work from home/breadwinner) I'm all discombobulated.

Found out last month that I have breast cancer. Bilateral mastectomy coming up early next month.

That fucker may outlive me.

I actually just saw a therapist on Instagram saying that it was 100% okay to have those sorts of thoughts momentarily throughout a relationship. Completely normal. The only time to be concerned is it if becomes a predominant thought — then something is not going well.

I think you are strong and not co-dependent, so you can see an independent future and are looking forward to it. Nothing wrong with that— you are not hastening its arrival.

You're describing my mother. My parents were married for over 50 years. My dad loved my mom a lot, but he wasn't good at showing it. He could be very self-centered and dramatic, and he sucked the oxygen from the room. My mother had been raised to defer to her husband, but she resented it (even as she sometimes tried to force me into the same mold). I think my father's death released her to make her own decisions without negotiation or manipulation for the first time since her mid-twenties. At first, I thought her apparent lack of grief was shock, but it's been over a year now, and I think it's peaceful for her. She putters in her garden, cooks and eats and sleeps on her own schedule, and has total control of her friendships and finances. She misses him, but she feels free.

I just wanted to add a couple of things.

First of all, looking forward to "widowhood" – in my opinion – it’s different than wishing your husband it was no longer alive.

My life is spent mostly looking after my H, and I certainly don’t want him to die. But will I enjoy sleeping through the night? Or leaving the house for hours at a time? Probably so.

And also, "not being lonely" doesn’t mean you don’t miss a loved one. I have always thought that those who don’t get lonely are just lucky to enjoy their own company.

Yes, I very much look forward to it.