SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I found out Xmas eve.

My wayward wife's son (my step son) is getting married tomorrow. This has been in planning for a year. I was supposed to be in it. My daughter is still standing in the wedding. My mom is even going, basically out of concern for her grand daughter.

I'm 99% sure my wife's new lesbian lover will also be there.

I'm pretty distraught over this. I helped raise this stepson since he was 7 (he's 23 now). She's basically replacing me with this new person she's known for 3 months.

I know seeing all the FB photos are going to tear me up inside. Half of me wants to just block her. But the other half, I will just want to see what is happening. I'm also a bit concerned for my daughter and mom.

Did you decide not to attend or did your stepson ask you to step out because of the circumstances?

When she filed for divorce, she also obtained a "no harrassment" order. She's telling people she left because I hit her, not because I discovered the affair. If I showed up, it's likely security would be involved. I dont want to go anyway. Would be too emotional for me.

I am sorry she is being so selfish. I had to miss my nephew’s wedding and that hurt a lot— so I get an idea of how much this hurts.
But absolutely block her on ALL social media.
It’s pain shopping— no good can come of it.

Are you in IC? That might help you process this shit.

Hang in there and do something nice for yourself tomorrow.

"pain shopping" i like that

It never ceases to amaze me how shitty cheaters can act. A friend of mine bought a number of spendy, thoughtful Christmas gifts for the daughters of his cheating ex. He had raised the daughters for years as if they were his own and was close to them. He shipped them via fed express to avoid in-person interaction with the ex. A couple of weeks later, the packages were returned to him with a nasty note telling him not to try to contact the daughters or the police would be called. Each of the gifts had been intentionally broken or damaged, then repackaged and shipped to him.

It would be a $hitshow for you if you went.

Detachment is the best way out.

I wouldn't even ask your Mom and Daughter how it went. If they volunteer any information, just say 'stop'.

If I was your family, I would probably spend that time with you instead, especially after what your wife did to you. That is not a criticism against your family who are going as they probably want to be there for your stepson but in your sad case, I'm not sure if any message was ever sent to your ex about the damage she has caused.

Don't ask, Don't tell. Best policy. Keep cutting the layers out of your life regarding her and be free and happy.

You deserve the best from here on out

also, if you like your stepson and want to maintain any type of relationship with him, I would send him a nice, short satement on why you didn't go but only after the wedding. Non-accusatory but wishing him the best

I agree with Western.. I sent my nephew a wedding gift with a note just wishing them the best. He didnt create this mess and I can’t hold it against him. Take the high road and offer your congratulations.

SOrry.

What a heartless bitch your wife is.

JJ, I’ve been right there also. It hurts. It’s absolute bullshit and unfair. You will ruminate on it. It’s about the tragic irony that I had a hard time getting over. Insult to injury. How did I turn into the bad guy?? She cheated, bailed and I am the bad guy?? It’s infuriating. How can people buy into this?

You don’t know that people are buying into her shit. They probably aren’t. People are a lot smarter than that. A married woman from a long term marriage, with grown kids just suddenly runs off with another woman "because her husband is suddenly harassing her"? It begs the question. It makes people want to hear the other side of story. They KNOW there’s another side to this very peculiar story.

They, out of an abundance of caution, probably wanted to avoid a very awkward situation that could taint or ruin a very special day. Also, you being there, would contradict the narrative your WW is trying to maintain. Of course you weren’t invited. Think about it. If I was invited, I would probably bow out, out of consideration to the bride and groom.

I had to miss my youngest daughter’s HS graduation. I was pissed! My ExWW’s boyfriend got to go, but not me. I’m wondering what will happen when my two adult blood daughters get married.

The kids get caught in the middle and the Mom’s usually come out ahead. Mom always comes first on the holidays and birthdays. The maternal bond is strong. My kids have blocked out their mother’s incredible betrayal. They don’t want to talk about it or think about it. It’s just too disturbing for them. The pain of my WW’s betrayal is mine and mine alone. It’s very lonely to be a BS. We usually suffer alone.

The situation will get more complicated when you begin dating and especially if you remarry.

My kids consider me to be more emotionally stable so they end up coddling my WW at my expense.

I would encourage you to move well on. Make a new life for yourself. Make sure your new life is adequately distracting. I remarried a beautiful woman that I’m crazy about and we are having a lot fun with our new life. If my kids wish to be a part of our new life, they know the door is always open. If they choose to favor their mother, so be it. I’m not going to play a pick-me-dance. Pick-me-dancing is pathetic and drives everyone away.

Live a good and admirable life. Be a good Father and your kids should follow. If not, it’s their loss.

I am so sorry you are going through this. The lies these waywards tell are awful! I agree with others, send a wedding gift to your step son with a non-accusatory explanation. I can’t imagine what you are going through not being able to be there for you step son. I wish I had some advice for you that was better. I am fairly new to this and I am still trying to figure out my own crap. However, the advice given on this forum is great and helpful.

Keep us posted. Hugs!

Just: You are not pain-shopping. You're feeling real pain. Not being at your step-son's wedding is a real loss.

Have you delved into the D/S forum? I expect you can get many tips for your D settlement. (I stay out pf D because I'm superstitious about it.) One tip from me from my son's D settlement: he included numerous dates that he and our grandson are together. Our 9 year old GS specified the dates - World Series, World Cup, NFL playoffs and Super Bowl, my mom's birthday, etc. You might specify that you and a partner will be invited to your daughters' graduations, recitals, engagement parties, weddings, etc.

Again, I'm very sorry you're in this sitch. If you didn't feel beyond awful I'd be worried. Your life is likely to get better. Your W's is likely to get worse. (Some studies have shown that some high percentage of relationships between aps fail.) You're free to find another person with whom you can have a great relationship, especially if you (re)build a great relationship with yourself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:46 PM, Saturday, January 22nd]