SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Checking in with a story as a warning to others.

My NB is now almost 10 years old, with one longer term serious relationship that ended after a few years for various reasons [mental health issues and significant age difference that had us in very different places in life] and a relationship that is about one year old now with a man who I thought had all the potential, except he was separated only, not divorced yet, and clearly not healed from his past marriage.

I had read about this scenario and the pitfalls associated with that on here many times, but I threw all caution into the wind and fell head over heels. Love conquers all, doesn't it? Or so I thought. And to be clear, I am not the OW, the separation had happened prior (total of 4 years with some reconciliation effort in the middle) and he had been moved out fully for a good portion of that time.

I would encourage everybody who is in NB to read carefully what seasoned members have to say. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and clearly, I have some work to do on myself not to repeat the mistakes again and to see the red flags early.

Dating somebody who is not over their past relationship, even though they will assure you that they are, and who is manipulated and controlled by an ex through various means, is simply not an option unless you are pain shopping, no matter how much you love them.

Over the last six months I have seen - in no particular order - withholding of kids as punishment, particularly as holidays and overnights are concerned, all day and night barrages of texts and repeat, harassing calls (at some point about one every 30 seconds for hours), verbal assault and emotional abuse, irresponsible financial activities, child alienation ("you look like me, 12 year old DD, and so dad doesn't love you because he doesn't love me anymore'), trashing of me, unreasonable demands to jump at a moment's notice, kids living in borderline hoarder situation , massive and unreasonable performance pressure on the kids, constant threats about anything in the book - and to my absolute astonishment I am witnessing a man who neither fights for his kids, nor his finances nor his own personal peace but who is either deadly afraid and conditioned or who has still some emotional attachment, and accommodates the craziness just not to stir the pot.

The first 6 months were going well and we were building our relationship; as with any co-parenting situation for underaged kids, of course there was contact but all seemed to be in normal range.

Once his former partner got wind of me and that we were becoming serious, the behavior started and never stopped since. Challenging him on his response leads to stonewalling and pretty much the only statement I can get is that he doesn't want to cause any hurt because he thinks she will do / say something crazy to the kids. This stress has caused him to have health issues having him on a heart monitor, he gained probably 30 pounds, and is a nervous wreck with sleep and stomach issues and frequent nose bleeds. This has so negatively impacted our relationship not only because he is emotionally and mentally unavailable often times but also because I have lost respect for him not to protect his children in this nightmare and to draw the necessary legal, financial and emotional boundaries.

I believe in partnership, commitment, love and that there is somebody out there with whom that is possible and who is emotionally mature enough to be able to work for that and I don't want to be Debbie Downer to anybody. But I wanted to put this out here because I actually saw the red flags and ignored them - even when things were going well for us I saw his need to accommodate her, the underlying fear of her that I heard through our conversations, the tension when there was any level of interaction but I brushed it aside. I should have recognized that we both have much work to do for different reasons and that we were not ready.

Sending ((virtual hugs))

I'm sorry. When you know better, you do better. Everything is a learning experience. You aren't the only one still learning. fraeuken.

Frauken, he sounds like the kind of "nice guy" many of us would appreciate as a BF when you evaluate him "in relationship to yourself." However, you now realize that the way he reacts to the insanely jealous XW is always going to be part of the deal: he is "conflict avoidant."

One problem with this kind of coping pattern is spotting it early enough to bail out without getting hurt! To do that, you'd pretty much have to watch them face a conflict to find out how they'd choose to deal with it, and dating doesn't usually let us see this kind of thing in the early months. So don't be too hard on yourself. (I doubt he'd be different with any other woman, either.) I agree, his lack of protective instincts with his children is hard to admire or ignore. Sorry.

How are you going to exit gracefully? Even if the situation with the XW resolved itself, what would you do?

I fully agree on the conflict avoidance assessment. I don’t like conflict either and it is a last resort but I learned it’s not healthy not to be able to address conflict.

I think it is too late for a graceful exit. Last night, after much of the day was already impacted by various antics, we err going to spend the evening and night together before XW was going to go on a trip with DD and he was, for the first time in long time , going to have his son with him for a week and I encouraged him to absolutely make the most of the time.

10:20 pm, as we were in bed his phone buzzes and XW is calling. He grabs the phone, jumps out of bed, says he needs to answer since her and DD are going on vacation and maybe need still help with packing and disappears to another room for 40 minutes to engage in a conversation that quickly disintegrated into another barrage about all sorts of things.

I could simply not be graceful this morning after addressing this constant disruption now for six months. I was calm, no crying but firm that I was no longer part of these games and he needed to leave.

I'm sorry, fraeuken. Breakups suck, but consider it a dodged bullet.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

Separated is an automatic deal breaker for me. When I was trying OLD last year I started asking the “how long” question early on. This was after I think a total of 5 men not offering the information. It was either the first phone/video call, first couple messages, and one we ended up meeting quickly, so one date. I told them it was a deal breaker too.

I can’t imagine those dynamics that would also include children.

I realize we all have some residual triggers over this shitshow, but I’m coming in healthy to a relationship…I need him to be there too. Good for you in putting your needs and boundaries back in check.

*duplicate

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 3:13 AM, July 13th (Tuesday)]

I was calm, no crying but firm that I was no longer part of these games and he needed to leave

Good for you.

(((fraeuken))) I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. You are wise to step away, but it hurts.

Something you should keep in mind is that you can encounter the same situation even with someone who is fully divorced. If his divorce was to be final tomorrow, you would probably still be dealing with the same dynamic. The important thing is to protect yourself by recognizing and acting on those signs immediately.

(((hugs))) but good for you for making the decision to end that relationship.

Us longtimers here aren't wise because we know more, we are wise because we've been through a lot of shit and have screwed up a few times maneuvering through our own healing.

Welcome to your next step - knowing better so you can do better <3 I've been in this step for years and enjoy learning and occasionally falling on my face in the name of progress

Fraeuken, I also started dating a guy who was in house separated and ended up spending 3.5 years with him. What you described I experienced almost to a T. The child alienation, the withholding, the constant, all consuming conflict that didn’t leave room for anything else. He maintained that he was over her, that she was a crazy bitch, mentally unstable etc etc, but the fact remains that she was all he could talk about.

Like you, I expected him to change, gave him time, but he never did. I believe that when people start a relationship being emotionally unavailable, they stay that way throughout. Real healing is only possible by taking some time off and working on yourself. Alone. A prospective partner would be just a human crutch at that point. I know I was.

I am gutted that I wasted 3.5 years of my life but I am happy that you sobered up a lot quicker than I did. Just stick to your guns now.

Thank you for the feedback and sharing your stories. I am back to working on my co-dependency; it feels to me there is a level of addiction to drama in his life, maybe it makes him feel wanted. I was enabling that because I so wanted this to work. Back to the drawing board !

I dated a man (or more accurately should put "wasted time on a man") whose STBXW was truly mentally ill (as in hospitalizations, lithium treatment, etc.).

He was an incurable KISA. He was totally addicted to the drama because it made him feel needed and superior. At first, he liked my more independent nature, but then it became something that was threatening to him, especially when I pointed out that he was not protecting his child from her.

I ended the relationship and THEN the STBX started harassing me via telephone. I sent her a certified letter indicating that I was willing to press charges if she ever contacted me again. Boy, did that piss him off, but I told him that he was welcome to deal with her--I wouldn't put up with her crap because I didn't have to.

So yes, there are those for whom the drama is as vital as water. Once I see one of those red flags, I'm out.

Cat

Fraeuken, sounds like you drew a proper boundary, and did exactly what needed to be done under the circumstances!

(I am picturing that scene you described last night, and it would have been The Last Straw for me, too!) I actually broke up with "the love of my life" decades ago over just such a "triangle." Of course, it hurts...but from what others have shared, this is not that uncommon. Again, I don't think you necessarily suffer from Codependency, just because you wanted a comfortable relationship to keep working for you...KWIM?

Superesse, I can't stop picturing that scene; it's on repeat in my head.

Usually I would be excited to see a tall, slender and handsome man in his birthday suit but in this instance I looked at him as somebody who has lost his dignity. I felt so humiliated for him, thinking that he was under such distress or control or whatever that he ended up sitting naked in my office for 40 minutes to be berated.

I hope one day I can laugh about it.