SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Seriously. How do you stop word vomit? The moments where you are just going off in pain? He eventually stops responding and I still find myself going off. It’s not him. It’s me.

This started as a conversation about trying to start 50/50 custody as his frequent presence is just too much. It hurts and is hindering my ability to move on and heal. I am feeling used. I am feeling punished. I am feeling like I have been unreasonably flexible in always saying yes to him coming over to see the kids. I want a set schedule and as close to 50/50 responsibilities as possible. It wasn’t a great conversation, but to me it wasn’t a full blown fight.

Then I lost it. I went off. Completely. About my actual feelings during the affair. During our marriage. Trying to explain what I felt during that time. Getting madder and madder. It’s like I know I don’t deserve R. And my brain knows that. My heart is broken and shattered and is demanding to know why nothing I did was enough. (And I don’t need an answer. I know that’s an irrational thought.) I am really struggling to let go and move on and I need to. For him and for me. I kept sleeping with him. Without feelings. Like it was comforting to me. It helped me to know it was a mild respite to him. He ended that finally. And now I’m in the fucking downward spiral and don’t know how to break it.

I have days where I am strong enough to be NC with him. Then this shit starts and I have no fucking self control. It’s not ok. I need to get control of my life and emotions.

Remember when everyone was telling you that you're not his punching bag?

Well, he's not yours either.

If you or he can't have a reasonable conversation about custody or visitation without flying off the handle, then you should both get a parenting app that enables you to arrange pickups and dropoffs without having to speak to one another.

All conversations pertaining to divorce logistics can be arranged through your lawyer or mediator.

And for the record, we didn’t see eye to eye but it wasn’t bad. I wanted to set boundaries. Don’t ask me if I slept, don’t ask things you can figure out for yourself, stop small talk. It’s too confusing to make small chat over nothing.

It’s me. I’m the one that lost it. It’s my fault for not stopping. He stopped and I didn’t. I needed to and didn’t. I need to go old school. Put a band on my wrist and snap it when I go to text him about anything but the kids.

I want a mediator. I don’t know that the reality of 50/50 is really setting in for either of us.

I'm sorry IAT. I know all too well how word vomit can effect you. As far as visitation, what do you guys have set now? Do you ask to see the kids on days when they're with him, and does he agree to it? I agree with Blue that using a parenting app may be your best option.

When you feel the need to talk and talk and talk, what about saying those things to your therapist in an email or to a friend you can vent to? Or if your like to write, write it out instead.

I was doing great with journaling for a bit. I did yesterday. I need to stick to it.

He doesn’t have his own place yet. So he’s at the house with the 2 little ones while I work. He also sees them whenever he requests. I haven’t said no. Even though it’s uncomfortable, it’s more uncomfortable for the kids to suffer not seeing him. He just shows up when he’s able. Sometimes for a little. Sometimes for a few hours. He does bedtime routines and meals when he’s there in the evening. I tried to leave when he’s there or be busy. It’s not always easy. After work I want to be home and relax. He’s hesitant to agree to anything until he establishes a place to live. He comes over every weekday so I can get the oldest to school and he can get the babies to the sitter. The mornings aren’t an issue. We see each other for only a moment. Because they live with me, I never have to ask to see them and I’m happy to let him have them alone. I just don’t like always feeling the need to leave or hide. But it’s what’s best for the kids.

Nothing from the marriage matters anymore. The old pain, the resentment, past fights. I go off and then I realize I shouldn’t have. My brain feels relief after I go off and then my heart instantly feels bad. Like I know I shouldn’t go off. I know he can understand this feeling. I know he feels awful when he loses his temper and says things that don’t need to be said. But in the moment I’m sure it is beyond triggering and painful for him when I spray him with word vomit.

The past doesn’t matter. The old resentment don’t matter. So why does my brain rush to painful thoughts when I am upset or hurting? Seriously, who cares what he did or said 6 years ago? Why should it matter now? I have to let go.

Get the custody sorted out in a court order (this isn’t punishing either party, it’s setting up a game plan and boundaries in black and white for everyone to refer to), get a parenting app so you won’t be tempted to get off the kid topic, vent to loved ones.

Remove the situations that lead to these interactions. You’re getting a divorce, accept all that it means. You won’t get perfect closure, neither will he, but you will both get PEACE if you stop re-engaging.

Also, he needs to move out. If the decision was made that you are staying, he needs to find a friend or family member to crash with.

He is out. Staying with family.

I mean out out. No key, no popping over, no hanging out. If he wants to see kids he takes them to wherever he lays his head. Your home is your castle, his home is his.

IAT,

Can you please answer one question? Is the home you are presently residing belong to both you and your husband?

Sometimes, a BS is told to throw their WH out,and change the locks. Sometimes the WH has decided to live elsewhere, but still comes back to the marital home. Regardless, they are always told to speak to their attorney first, before changing the locks..Because,if his name is on the mortgage, lease,or rental agreement, unfortunately the BS can't make him stay out of the house, and changing the locks can get the BS in legal trouble.

Same thing when it's a WS wanting to keep the BS out of the house. Before you change the locks,you need to make sure you are legally allowed to do so.

The house was left to me. We just moved into it last October. It’s not shared property.

I don’t want to change the locks. I tried to have a sit down and say that I don’t want him there all the time in what should be my safe space. I originally had told him that I didn’t care if he was there with the kids but I noticed it was becoming increasingly harder and harder for me to have him there all the time because I would either need to leave or isolate myself to a bedroom and I didn’t feel I should have to hide in my own home. When I try to talk to him about this I was told that I was going back on what I had agreed to and that he did not have a place that he felt comfortable taking the kids to. It is a valid point because the person he staying with does not have a house that’s really open to children. It’s turned into him telling me that he just wouldn’t see the kids until June or that he would have his lawyer contact me because I agreed to this and I need to stick to it. It hurts a lot having him there but more than anything I don’t want my children to hurt and they will hurt if they don’t see their dad until June. I feel like I’m playing house with him and I know it that’s not in anyone’s best interest.

It feels that way, because that's what's happening.

The two of you agreed on a divorce, and he needs to act like it.

If he doesn't have a place to take the kids, he can still see them outside of yours. He can take them to the park,or to a kid friendly restaurant. He can come up with kid friendly activities, outside of the home.

Not only is his presence in the home hurting you, its confusing the kids.

He needs to figure it out. This isn't your problem. He doesn't get to come over and be dad, then leave. Nope.

If that means he doesn't see the kids until June, as much as that will suck for the kids, then that's what happens. He is choosing that,not you.

And I am just as guilty of still trying to play house. During our last sexual encounter, I was afraid to ask if it was OK to touch him. I had been trying to fade back and let him initiate if he wanted. I still feel very physically attracted to him. I tried to be completely respectful of his boundaries. The last sexual encounter is on me. I asked if it was OK to touch him. He said yes and then during the act told me that would be the last time we ever be intimate because otherwise we would never detach. I keep including him in things. When I make meals he’s invited to stay. When I do things with the kids I always extend the invite even if I know he possibly won’t take it. I never want my children to look back and say that I isolated them from their father. I would have given anything to have a dad that wanted to be in my life and a mom that encouraged him to be in my life. I am so scared my children will hurt by not allowing him to see them at request.

I tried to encourage that he could take them anywhere he wanted. It was met with anger and telling me that I was threatening to not let him see the kids. I feel like anytime I bring this up I’m told that I’m threatening to not let him see the kids. I’ve never once threatened to not let him be with his children.

The kids are very confused. When he shows up they get excited and exclaimed that dad is home. My oldest will frequently ask when he will see his dad and if I don’t have an answer he gets very angry. Usually my answer is that I don’t know and I always tell him when I do know. One time I told him that he wasn’t going to see his dad and then he showed up and my son was accusing me of lying to him. Even though he doesn’t have his own place yet my son has already told me that he’s going to go live with his dad because he was mad at me and within an hour he was sobbing and apologizing to me and telling me he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. I didn’t react to his threat because I knew he was just angry and confused but it made me feel sad that he felt sad.

I am completely torn. I know I need to set boundaries and follow through no matter what his reaction is. But then he reminds me that I did this. I caused this. And he’s right. He reminds me that I asked him to leave. (And I did. It wasn’t safe for any of us. You need to calm or go.) I feel like I owe the use of my space. He tells me that he has nowhere to take him and that it’s not fair to expect him to be in the car with them all day because there’s nowhere for them to go. And it’s not. The babies don’t deserve to be displaced because of what I did. I keep telling myself this is only temporary.

Everything you are feeling is entirely understandable . It takes time to unlearn the hurt feelings to aggression spinal chord reflex . You are still early on in your healing- i can promise you it gets better with time .

I have a slightly different take from the others on the visitation thing - he is trying to juggle alot of things including your anger his housing situation etc maybe its worth being a little flexible just for now so that the kids get to see him .

i suggest that when he comes over you should deliberately leave for one hour ( go for a run - go shopping - go for a drive ) That way you are teaching yourself that his time with the kids is not family time its dad time only .

Soon your heart will catch up with your head , he will have a home to bring the kids to and things wont be so raw .

I agree. That is why I won’t change the locks. I don’t want the children to hurt anymore than they already are. I know I go back-and-forth between feeling like I am losing my safe space and wanting to do what’s best for the kids. My children come above the space. The only thing I don’t like is being told that I’m threatening him when I bring up That I’m not comfortable with him being at the house all the time. Even in my discomfort I have never kept the kids from him. He saw them the same day I asked him to leave and the day after. I have not once let my pain impact their relationship.

His first few times alone with the kids I did make it a point to either not be there or to keep myself busy with work outside. Unfortunately the weather here is extremely unpredictable so being able to be outside has been kind of patchy lately. It is also very hard to make plans when I don’t always know when he’s coming. I have previously asked him that even if we are not ready to start the full 50-50 schedule it would be beneficial to have some kind of schedule as to when he will be here and when he will not be here. I feel like when we have bad days I plead for the schedule to follow and because it’s a bad day neither of us is willing to sit and do it. But when we have a good stretch of days it seems like we don’t need it. It would be a lot easier to plan to not be at the house if I always knew when he was going to show up and then it would be easier to make plans. What is hard for me is that after working all day and doing all of the running and things that need to be done throughout the day I don’t know that I necessarily want to go out. And by the time he gets off of work it’s pretty late. The kids need to be fed and they need baths and homework needs to be done. I also have a lot of anxiety around going out especially if it includes being around people. I’m still working on getting over that.

I agree. That is why I won’t change the locks. I don’t want the children to hurt anymore than they already are. I know I go back-and-forth between feeling like I am losing my safe space and wanting to do what’s best for the kids. My children come above the space. The only thing I don’t like is being told that I’m threatening him when I bring up That I’m not comfortable with him being at the house all the time. Even in my discomfort I have never kept the kids from him. He saw them the same day I asked him to leave and the day after. I have not once let my pain impact their relationship.

His first few times alone with the kids I did make it a point to either not be there or to keep myself busy with work outside. Unfortunately the weather here is extremely unpredictable so being able to be outside has been kind of patchy lately. It is also very hard to make plans when I don’t always know when he’s coming. I have previously asked him that even if we are not ready to start the full 50-50 schedule it would be beneficial to have some kind of schedule as to when he will be here and when he will not be here. I feel like when we have bad days I plead for the schedule to follow and because it’s a bad day neither of us is willing to sit and do it. But when we have a good stretch of days it seems like we don’t need it. It would be a lot easier to plan to not be at the house if I always knew when he was going to show up and then it would be easier to make plans. What is hard for me is that after working all day and doing all of the running and things that need to be done throughout the day I don’t know that I necessarily want to go out. And by the time he gets off of work it’s pretty late. The kids need to be fed and they need baths and homework needs to be done. I also have a lot of anxiety around going out especially if it includes being around people. I’m still working on getting over that.

It is not good for the kids to continue in limbo without a sense of security and routine.

Whose fault it is is a moot point once divorce is agreed upon. You have to stop circling back to that in regards to logistical issues.

Gently, I know you love him, but you are both making decisions that are making this so much harder when ripping off the band aid would be far kinder to everyone.

Going to disagree with those who says he needs to take the kids and leave.

First....it's still COVID. There is still a real health risk especially with babies and young children.

Even if the property was purchased or left to you...you have lived there as a married couple. He, in many states, still has a legal claim to the house.

Next...this is brand fucking new. You are asking him to take several children to someone else's home where he is a guest. They may love those kids...but I know I wouldn't sign up to have young children in my home right now with risk of COVID and my sanity. I love babies.. for about 20 mins.

He left HIS HOME..as well. he is legally entitled to be there and he instead he trying to show concern for you and still be there for his kids.

Your children are FIRST. Period. And they are hurt if YOU don't learn to manage your expectations and reactions. Because what everyone is failing to address's is that your reactions WILL NOT STOP once he takes the kids. Then it's going be...I miss the kids, or he didn't do something right, or he fees them junk. Your reactions have very little to do with his presence and more to do with your hurt. And that wont stop when he gets his own place and starts to take the kids.

So make a schedule and a plan for when he is there. Maybe that's your gym time or therapy time. Maybe you craft a book list to read in your room, wine in your room, dinner out.

As far as the kids not beingin limbo...you set boundaries. "This is Daddys time with you..ask him.. "

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 6:57 PM, April 23rd (Friday)]