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The last time I traveled, I was out walking through the city when my phone died. Even though I had my AirPods and MacBook with me, which H can see the location of, he told me he got triggered because he thought I turned my location off. I told him all about where I went, how I had to draw myself a map before my phone died completely, and how I tripped over a portable light post, bruised my shin, fell flat on my face, and somehow simultaneously smacked myself in the back of the head with my backpack, as I hoped these details would make the recounting believable and assuage his worries. This most recent trip, I made sure to let him know before I left that I was going to several places with no service, so if he couldn't see my location or get ahold of me, that was why. (On this trip I also learned that you can send location via satellite now! Isn't that neat?)

Much of this trip was spend driving, and during one particularly long stretch, I started falling asleep at the wheel. Caffeine was no longer helping, so I pulled off at the nearest exit for a catnap. There were very few businesses there-- I'm talking one functional gas station with limited parking, one abandoned and heavily vandalized gas station, and a dirty little motel. I figured the functional gas station wouldn't be pleased with me loitering there, and I felt unsafe closing my eyes in the abandoned one in case some drugged-up squatter should come out and attack me/the car. The motel, I thought, wouldn't notice if I was sleeping in my car, plus it had shade (I was driving through the desert and it was 100*F, and I was already getting sunburned in the car as it was)... The only thing was that if my BH looked at my location and saw me at a motel, I can imagine that would be triggering. I know SI recommends getting ahead of these things, so before I took my nap, I texted my husband to let him know why I was there, and I made sure not to be there for very long so that it wasn't suspicious-looking. In hindsight, it might have been better to pull off at a different exit, but I was too tired to think that clearly.

I'm trying to think how best to phrase this question... I guess, is transparency/preempting the triggers not triggering in and of itself? I'm praying this next part doesn't make things worse for BS...but like, if I was going to continue to be dishonest and unfaithful (which I definitely DO NOT want to be anymore), this is definitely something I would use to diffuse suspicion. (I used to be such a "good," manipulative liar. How evil, right? ) At the very least, it's got to be a reminder that the infidelity happened, which can't be pleasant, right? What about something like scrambling for the remote or the skip button when there's infidelity on a TV show or in the lyrics of a song?

How do those things make you feel, and do you still prefer that your WS does them? (I plan to ask my own later. But I'm curious about others' thoughts and feelings too.) Also, if you have other examples of things like this that do help you feel safer, I'd love to hear about them.

Thanks in advance.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 1:14 AM, Wednesday, June 24th]

Safe is hundreds of consistent, considerate actions. After a whole bunch of them, I start to believe them and believe in them.

And I always appreciated my wife communicating often when she was on the road. I thought it was sweet for a time when she did literally dive on to the floor to grab the remote when a TV show was displaying infidelity.

My wife’s reaching out proactively was also great, but rare, as no WS gets excited about initiating a conversation about pain that they caused.

All of that was ‘nice’ but I am in charge of healing me, of getting to a point when I understood infidelity is around all of us 24/7, far more than the songs, books, movies and TV shows as entertainment, it happens to friends and family members as life rolls along. Of course, sometimes a memory will kick in, but for me, now, I just see it as my old trauma brain checking in on me.

SI doesn’t ‘trigger’ me anymore, and there is a LOT of new, hurt people dealing with fresh pain everyday here.

Actually, as I am getting to be an old dude, not much triggers me anymore from any corner of life.

My wife and I do newspaper puzzles everyday, something we started during the pandemic. There is an advice column in the paper, and it often includes ‘the topic’ as it did this morning. She saw the headline and grabbed my hand. Again, it is very nice of her to reach out, but I’m good, because I worked my backside off to focus on the things I can control.

Living in the moment, as turns out, has proven to be far better than dwelling on stuff in the past.

It took a long time, but I got here.

All the safe actions my wife showed me, they do add up. I had to up my game too, to be open to her evolving into her best self and again, me healing me.

Transparency goes both ways now, and fairly automatic from each of us.

Hell, I can’t remember when I last check her phone (at least 7-years ago) or email or whatever.

No one wants to play detective. Although, it doesn’t hurt that I know what my wife’s machinations looked like back in the day. I know what the lies sound like. It ain’t paranoia when bad stuff really happened. I can still ask questions as needed, I just haven’t needed to kick up that dust anymore.

Being open and honest everyday kind of turns the M into something different. It’s a team instead of a competition (that could sound weird to some, but that really was our old M, competing for time and attention and loyalty, or similar things, etc.).

We’re both still imperfect and working at it, and that’s kind of where the joy comes from — the effort to be kinder and calmer partners.

Long story short, it is the old SI song, my wife healed up with her work, I healed up, and we both worked to build the M to where we wanted it.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 1:46 AM, Wednesday, June 24th]

That's really sweet, and I'm happy for you guys Thanks for sharing that.

...is transparency/preempting the triggers not triggering in and of itself?

It can be. However, being proactive is usually, if not always, better than being reactive.

Hi Morbs,

I am navigating a similar situation, especially when it comes to travels / going to work, or when something unexpected happens (that I am not responsible for) but can now be a trigger or red flag.

I don’t have any real wisdom to share, but for the catnap example: I bought myself a little recording camera (like a nanny cam). Whenever I feel my BS might be worried/ triggered about my whereabouts, or the situation I am in might be potentially suspicious, I use that to record myself or I just start filming with my iPhone (I don’t think you can use the iPhone to text while making a video).

Videos that show I was actually doing what I am saying I was doing.

For the catnap, I’d have filmed myself while there. I know it’s not great and it’s probably not sustainable long term.

The above helps when I am working from home. Not that easy when I have to go in the office. But if a train is late, I start filming to show I am actually at the train station waiting for the train.

This is something I do voluntarily, I have not been asked.

I want to stress this, because I think it’s unhealthy / abusive if someone is forced to do this (possibly illegal)

It doesn’t solve things, occasionally BS still claims I could find a way to cheat (which is fair, but I wonder if it wouldn’t be still worse if I didn’t have any "proof")

So basically, I try to always have some proofs supporting what I am saying I was doing.

Having said that, there are two sides of the coin. If sometimes I genuinely forget to film or produce proofs (for example simply because the kids are going nuts and I get absorbed by them), it can seem even more suspicious.

[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 9:51 AM, Wednesday, June 24th]

Details are marginal, ok but is not the center.

That you bring it up as in "if the roles were reversed and this happened I imagine I would feel uncomfortable, so I am bringing it up to reassure".

Truth works because the version never changes.

Lies fall because the fantasy will never hold attention and scrutiny.

Even details, you get a sense when they are manufactured or genuine, as in remembering a ton of unimportant details but forgetting or dodgin relevant ones is a teller.

Being upfront and bringing it up because you fear is triggering is showing care, that will be felt.
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