SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

1st Wife- I only meant staying in the area so I can be close to my adult kids. I agree about kids living through a mess like this.

Sisoon- thanks for the traits of a good R candidate, they are very useful. She has started IC, we’ve done a few MC sessions (but may suspend-too early), she’s opened all devices and is transparent about where she’s going, etc. But, she’s still lying, minimizing and shifting blame.
I can’t control the outcome. For the time being, I’m just staying a little detached, taking care of myself and waiting to see if there’s any hope for her.

"doing the work is easier than living with the pain." That’s a great tag line for a therapist’s advert.

Frank- she’s well medically, she’s better emotionally, I think. No decision on the other wife yet. It feels like revenge and I’m not sure there’s much upside to it.

It feels like revenge and I’m not sure there’s much upside to it.

Would you have been angry with someone, like one of your wife’s AP’s OBS coming to you and letting you know what your wife has done? Would you have looked at them and thought to yourself: "How petty. They’re just looking for revenge. I would have been much better off not knowing." ?

Or would you have been grateful to be clued in on what’s actually happened in your marriage, totally unknown to you, but something that immensely impacts not only your marriage, but also your body health and potentially even your life (STD’s) ?

Have you been clear to your wife – as in outlined at a MC session – what you need to see a future in this marriage?
Keep in mind that this is a woman who thought killing herself was a great idea not too long ago. Although it’s a self-imposed trauma, then she is traumatized by the discovery of her past actions. Expecting full logic and sensibility might not be the right thing to do.
However – if she is told directly:
I am still not clear on if I am willing to remain in this marriage or not. What is 100% clear is that I need the following to be clear to possibly see a future together:
Accountability, timeline… (and whatever else is left that you need).

About telling OMW as "revenge"…
If you are already determined to divorce (as you seem to be based on your wording) and are going to be honest to your kids about the reason, do you then intend to keep OM name a secret? How do you figure out that will work?

PS not surprisingly I am 100% in agreement with Sisson. You can distance yourself from your wife, but you will take your traumas with you and need to deal with them. Is it harder with your wife around? Maybe… but lot’s of respected posters on this site have managed it.

My situation didn’t involve kids of any age, but my experience was once I decided divorce was the way forward, a whole hell of a lot of the mind movies and stress just melted away. I still had somewhat of a hard time reconciling with myself that this was going to be my life going forward, not much past the divorce did I have any clue if she was alive or dead and didn’t really care either way.
Life got immeasurably better once the decree was signed.
That’s just me though.

There are many upsides to telling the other betrayed spouse.

First, it is a definitive action that you can actually take in answer to this horrible injustice. It will be good for you.

It shows you are protective of yourself and value yourself and your marriage. Make no mistake, that affair was an assault on you and your family. Taking this action shows you did not leave the assault unanswered.

It is common decency for the poor woman who very possibly has no clue. She deserves to know her reality.

It could protect others. In other words, a simple revelation of this truth could blow this man up, and possibly thwart him from destroying another family.

It shows your wife you mean business. She no longer controls the narrative. She has controlled it too long.

Please tell her ASAP.💪

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 5:50 AM, Monday, April 13th]

LFH, now we know you didn’t read Baseball33’s thread, lol. He got about 2 pages of reasons why he needed to tell the OBS…

I really think you need to tell her. The only reason I will add that has not already been mentioned is that the OBS can be a good source of information for you. If she’s willing, you guys can compare notes. Might help you make sense of the last 10+ years of your life.

Besides, what’s wrong with a little healthy revenge? I mean, sure revenge is bad if you get obsessed with pursuing it, but here you’re just doing the right thing with the little side benefit of making him face the consequences of his actions. If you’re right that he never really cared for your WW, then he was basically willing to destroy his own family and yours for a weekly nooner in his garage. To hell with him.

LfH,

On telling the OBS... I hope that so far in your posting, you feel that you have received some good, solid advice and support LFH. You can see the overwhelming majority, if not all, of the advice is to tell the OBS. You and I are about the same age LfH. I have found, in my life when I reflect, that I have much more regret for the things I -DIDN'T DO- versus regretting the things I did.

In the future, you will come to regret not telling the OBS whether you stay with your WW or not. You will also come to resent your WW, even more so- yes, it's possible, that you had to bear this burden by yourself and be involved with your WW's coverup.

Please do the right thing.

I am also hardcore on always telling the OBS.
I have yet to see a situation where exposure made things worse for the BS. If you read through the last 20 years of threads here, you’ll find a pretty good consensus of "I can’t believe I waited so long to expose"
Not only is it the right thing to do, but the AP deserves whatever is coming to him.
When I exposed, I went nuclear. Everyone knew, both their careers ended. Family,friends,coworkers. All were told. 20+ years later, no regrets. I did exactly what I should have done.

Look, our motives are rarely, if ever, purely altruistic. Yes, informing OBS puts a wrench into the ap's works, but more important, it gives OBS information that they need to set up their future. Finding out now starts their healing now. If you don't inform OBS, it's almost certain to come out later, and then OBS will be lucky to find some reasonable people dealing with As from long ago.

I'm 15+ years out, and I'm still pissed off at OBS because he knew o 12/12/2010, 10 days before i did, and he delayed the start of my healing by 10 days.