SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Unfortunately I just joined this group. I found out my husband of almost ten years was cheating on me while trying to conceive and throughout my pregnancy when I was feeding my baby in the middle of the night and went through his phone. I confronted him the next day and he admitted to buying "content" on only fans and from girls on X. This progressed to meeting up with women for "massages". Overall spending thousands of dollars to cheat on me. He was also texting one of the girls then cut it off when it got "too much" and she was feeling attached to him. Which is an emotional affair on top of a physical one. And financial.

He said he has a problem with porn and thinks he would be considered a sex addict. I knew about the porn but clearly not the full extent. I felt he was sneaky with his phone which ultimately lead me to go through it when I had a gut feeling.

I am obviously devastated about this. Adding on the postpartum hormones and just knowing this time period is so sacred and special and now it’s full of so much sadness adds on to my anger and betrayal. This is our second child and being so newly postpartum it’s not like I can kick him out so we have been living on separate floors of the house and co parenting the best we can.

I am in IC and so if he. I just found a couples therapist we will meet with shortly. I feel like I am just numb. I had him get tested and he was clean, says it was never more than the massages and those only happened in this past year. It’s been a tough year for us with jobs and family drama but when I thought we were leaning on each other he was turning away to others. I just feel so lost. I’m not sure what the next steps of this process looks like. He wants to reconcile and will do anything to save his family. He’s since done things to show how he will show me he has nothing to hide like sharing all passwords and a phone monitoring but I know if someone wants to cheat or watch porn they will find a way, especially with an addiction. Does anyone have experience with a partner with sex addiction? At what point do we start to "rebuild" if that’s what I decide?

I so badly wish this didn’t happen but here we are and there is no clear roadmap on how to navigate this. It’s been four weeks of coexisting and I fear we will get stuck here the longer we do it.

I’m looking for support or advice, honestly anything. The only person who knows about the affair is my therapist. I don’t know when or of involving friends and family is a good idea or not. Right now I couldn’t handle any outside noise or opinions considering my situation. Feeling pretty alone here and happy to have a group of people who can understand some of my pain.

[This message edited by djjdrjm at 6:22 AM, Thursday, December 4th]

Hugs to you, djjdrjm. Betrayal at a time that should be the most bonding and special and yes, sacred, is shattering. I’m so sorry that he’s betrayed you so badly.

Others will be along quickly to offer a lot of great advice. The first thing is usually to make sure that you are focusing on and taking care of yourself and your kids first. You can’t be a good mom for them if you are not eating and hydrating and taking care of yourself, so please make sure that you focus on you and not on him. Don’t give in to the idea of helping him fix this if you’re having that urge. Only he can figure his shit out, and if he isn’t getting right on that in a very active (rather than just verbal) way, that should tell you something.

I just popped in to give you a hug of solidarity, and to say that true sex addiction isn’t nearly as common as cheaters who cry addiction when caught. Either way, this is HIS issue, not a couple issue. You will probably get many comments here saying that it is WAY too early for couples counseling. The marriage doesn’t have this problem (addiction?). HE DOES. The marriage didn’t cheat. HE DID. He needs to figure some things out before the two of you start working on the marriage.

You mention that he is in counseling already, but not every counselor is qualified to diagnose/treat port and sex addiction. If he hasn’t already gotten on finding a specialist and getting evaluated for that after saying that he has a porn/sex addiction, why do you think that is? If he really feels that he has a clinical disorder, he should want to immediately start getting treatment specifically for that—likely in addition to other counseling—so that he won’t continue to harm his wife and children? If it really isn’t just an excuse, what is he doing about it? Because you’re right: there’s the infidelity and then there’s the potential addictive behavior. They have to be addressed separately in therapy.

You say that he’s being transparent with his phone and internet which is good, but as you said, it isn’t foolproof. Is he expecting you to police him and fear of getting caught to keep him on the straight and narrow? This isn’t your job. Do you want a partner or do you want to be the mom/police/hall monitor?

You don’t need to have an answer to these questions right now, but I think you should definitely put getting immediate evaluation and counseling by a professional in diagnosing/treating potential addiction on his to-do list and then step back and see if he follows through. Couples counseling just isn’t the right move this early. You both need to work on your own healing individually, and you need some time to stabilize, begin to heal yourself, and figure out what you want to do next.

It’s a tough call on telling family and friends, but most here would recommend that having at least one person who has your back and can provide in person support is really helpful. We all have wrestled with dealing with the opinions and judgement of friends/family, and yes, even protecting the WS who has devastated us or, more often, protecting our kids. If there is someone that you trust to provide support and honest supportive input, it can be a really blessing.

You’ll get a lot of advice, support and common ground here. We generally say that everyone here gets it, but we don’t all have exactly the same experiences. Some of us found infidelity to be a deal breaker. Some of us had cheating spouses who didn’t have it in them to do the hard work to become safe partners. And some of us tried or are trying to reconcile, some successfully.

So you will hear advice all over the board. Definitely take what you need and leave the rest, knowing that everyone here comes from a place of wanting to help, support and share the hard wisdom that has come from being forced into an experience we never wanted or deserved.

You will find great support and community here. I’m sorry that you had to join this group. Wishing you and your kids peace.

Sending hugs, I'm so sorry you are here.

It's late and I'm too tired to type much but just wanted to send you support as a fellow partner of someone who (among other sexual betrayal), abused porn for 25 years without me knowing.... I dug through his phone and computer for years after multiple d days. I found a lot but NEVER had a suspicion about the porn- he hid it well. It was simple he just used incognito... now there's a tracker on there that he doesn't know about. It has been clean since the last d day when he voluntarily confessed ( I never would have found out on my own)

Regarding therapy a CSAT is a must for him, and if you do go the marriage counseling route. Make sure they are a csat.

It's gonna be a bumpy ride no matter which route you take.

One resource that has really helped me is "The betrayal bind"

Welcome to SI and sorry you became a member of our group. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some unpinned posts that are really good resources. Hou'll have to scroll to find them, but they're distinguishable by the bull's eye icon. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources. I suggest you begin with the post titled Tactical Primer.

Please don't meet with the couples therapist yet. If you happen upon one that will hold your WH's (wayward husband's) feet to the fire, that's great. Many couples therapists aren't equipped to deal with infidelity and can cause more damage to you. We have a saying that the BS (betrayed spouse) heals the BS, the WS heals the WS and then couples therapy is to help heal the M (marriage).

Right now, focus on your healing and taking care of your children. Stay hydrated and eat, even if you can only get a protein drink down right now.

Please see a doctor and get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer and take you away from your babies. If you're having trouble with anxiety, depression or sleeping, ask about meds to get you through this really rough time.

If he wants to R (reconcile), then he should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Right now, observe his actions because his words are pretty worthless. It takes time and consistent, safe behavior to rebuild trust.

There's a good article by therapist Lundy Bancroft about sex addiction, and he's found that a lot of people say they're sex addicts when they aren't. It's easier for them to say it's an addiction or illness and not take accountability.

You may wish to see a lawyer or several to see what D (divorce) looks like. Not saying you need to D, but it will give you knowledge.

Sorry you're here.

Djj

1st take care of yourself and your baby. Postpartum is nothing to mess with! My wife suffered terribly with it after our 2nd child was born. Back then postpartum was known as the Baby Blues and the doctors said "She'll get over it". Good luck

Take Care

This could be an addiction, a compulsion, or just plain cheating. Whatever it is, it is his default behavior. I agree with others. He needs a therapist trained in dealing with this behavior. He needs group therapy because they know every trick, lie, behavior in the book and will hold his feet to the fire.

You need rest and healing. It might be a good thing for you to see an IT for a place to vent.

Your husband might genuinely love you but addictions own the person who has them. They are either thinking about it, planning it, or doing it, but it takes a very long time for the desire to go away. This is your reality.

I hope you make sure you look after your health. This kind of stress will damage your immune system, your ability to relax and sleep. Be very focused on what YOU need going forward.

I’ll be honest I’m not sure how to reply to each of you individually, but I wanted to say thank you for the thoughtful responses and advice.

As far as the marriage counseling, that’s good to know. It makes sense that we wouldn’t rush to fix a marriage when both people still need healing. What’s there to fix when the marriage was broken and nothing has changed yet. I think I just had this feeling of helplessness and I tend to be a fixer and wanted to feel like I was doing something. But you are right, it’s not mine to fix… I didn’t break it.

I feel like deep down I know in these first weeks it’s easy to do and say the right thing and the what will be telling is if it lasts. Actions over words.

As far as the sex addiction I too felt that was extreme. I think it’s more of cyclic behavior but agree it needs to be evaluated and treated by a specialist. That’s good advice. I know he’s met with some addiction groups and forums and I will give him resources too but at the end of the day it’s his journey to go on because regardless if we reconcile or not that will still exist. And I absolutely do not want to have to police it, as a new mom of two I have enough going on.

Speaking of babies I feel like I have fully focused on them and being the best I can be for them. Trying to keep theirs lives as normal and routine as possible. In doing that I feel like we are in a habit or pretending like it’s all fine for them and when we have seen friends or family and that’s weighing on me. It’s hard to not tell people and it will also be hard if this were to get out and truly having to face a harsher reality of what’s happened. Right now I feel like I’m living in a bit of a fake reality but it’s all I can do to make sure the kids are okay. IC is helping me have a space to feel all my feelings unfiltered but at home I am very aware of the mood/energy I create around my young kids. If anyone has advice on how to navigate co parenting and living in the same space while going through this process that would be so helpful.

I did get an antidepressant from my OB, thank you for the concerns and advice on taking care of myself so I can be the best mom I can through this situation.
Right now the only constant I can have is being the best mom I can be and healing myself no matter the outcome.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to read my story and give your advice and solidarity. I know you all have felt this pain and heartbreak in one way or another and I wish I was further along in this process to give you all the same support.

Xoxo

It sounds like you are doing pretty well, djjdrjm! It can be extremely hard to have any kind of stability and equilibrium this early on. Staying focused on yourself and the kids sounds exactly right.

I think I just had this feeling of helplessness and I tend to be a fixer and wanted to feel like I was doing something.

This is really, really common: both the need to try to take control of something in the overwhelming helplessness of living in a bad reality entirely not of your choosing and the tendency to be a fixer. Many of us here have fallen into that particular trap. It can be way too easy to focus on the person who caused all of this pain and try to do all of the work for them: find resources, make appointments, obsess on what the hell is wrong with them and analyze it. This is exactly what you shouldn’t do, for a variety of reasons.

The biggest one is that he is probably already used to you taking care of and fixing stuff for him. If he is going to be any kind of a safe partner and parent at some point in the future, he has to learn to clean up his own messes and be a big boy. That includes owning his shit and working to become better. He got himself here all by himself in secrecy and deception. He made very bad decisions when operating without input from anyone else (you). If you are not up for being his hall monitor, he has to figure out how to monitor his own impulses and overcome them like all the rest of us who know we can’t just eat every cookie in the jar because no one’s looking.

So I would avoid passing resources to him to try to move him in the right direction. I WOULD provide yourself (and him) with resources that help support YOU. If something that you read expresses your needs/experience perfectly, pass it along to him. Whether or not he reads it, thinks about it, and discusses it with you meaningfully without prompting or reminders will tell you a lot about whether he is capable and interested in understanding what he’s done to you and empathizing with you instead of just wallowing in his own shame and victimhood.

He really, really should see a CSAT as soon as possible and get a diagnosis before he plunges into addiction groups and online activity. Sex/porn addiction can easily become an explanation/excuse for his actions rather than doing the deeper searching and examination needed to really understand why he has been doing what he’s been doing.

It can be really draining and alienating to keep secrets from family and friends. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you feel like you’re faking it. That can really wear, so if you have someone that you can confide in, it would probably be helpful. You have time to think about how much and if you want to tell others in your family or his. Once it’s out, it’s out, so take your time but don’t ignore your own well-being in the mix. Keeping secrets and putting on a happy face take a lot more out of you than you think.

Other than that, you really do seem to have a handle on things. Try to focus on what you need from him and communicating that to him. It will show you a lot if he does it without question. Get as much support as you can and hug your babies. We’re here when you need us.

Hugs of strength and support.